The love letter that was never sent

 
a token shared;  
I read into  
the sentiment  
...was it from you?  
 
or had I given this freely  
only to be returned?  
 
an Irish blessing  
upon a medallion  
the message is clear but  
I can’t exactly remember  
some too many years ago  
even a decade longer  
 
since I knew your love  
and we were stronger  
 
you’ve returned to me  
an art collection  
I gathered back then  
still, no recollection  
did you place it here  
intentionally?  
 
or is the message rejection  
of what could have been?  
 
a few weeks go by, and I  
seek the answer still  
though I do not ask you  
instead this box again, I spill  
the content: more boxes  
artistic packs of cigarettes  
a creative expression  
I’ve lost, and now lack  
the will for connection  
wish you only the best  
 
even if that means  
we can no longer be friends  
 
so I search within  
each box, mostly intact  
for perhaps a clue  
I may have before missed  
I can see it in my mind  
a message on a note  
folded up secrets  
hidden depths of romance  
 
but as my fingers pry open  
these empty spaces reflect  
empty promises I left you  
expecting more than I gave  
 
 
 
...I’m not surprised at my heartache  
~  
I’m certain it reflects what you felt...  
 
 
 
still  
I long to break this silence  
desire the passion we once held  
you’ve left me again with no sign  
but I really don’t blame you  
from all those years ago  
when you read my tarot  
I should have listened to you then  
I shouldn’t have returned to those men  
and I should have hugged you goodbye  
 
but I couldn’t stand anymore  
to be the one who made you cry  
 
for all the struggles I’ve survived  
I have only learned better  
how to spread my wings  
to rise above as a feather  
and have hope for a better life  
but it is the loss of your friendship  
a laden remorse I still hide  
I am brought once again  
 
to knees, weeping  
no respite  
 
my biggest regret so far  
is not having more courage  
you only ever wanted the best  
and now the cards foretell  
 
it is time  
 
I will rise above, break my shackles  
I will shine radiant and strong  
so you may see my light  
no withholdings  
I will not ignore my reading  
like I did of yours, so long ago  
the voice of the cosmos speaks:  
 
three months’ time, I will reach out  
I must tell you what I’ve buried  
the last time we spoke  
the truth is, we had something  
 
more than friendship  
 
and maybe you still don’t know  
if that’s your sensual identity  
I’m not really sure either but  
this silence deafens me  
 
and I will not end my life  
neither by suicide or natural decay  
until my voice has been heard  
forever in my heart, you will remain  
 
my sweet friend of a lady  
you were intimate and also inspiring  
you were always the warrior woman  
that I wished to exemplify within me  
 
so I will rest my woes for a while  
let my poor choices subside  
work through PTSD on my own 'cause  
you don’t need to see me cry  
 
you need to see me in strength  
need reassurance, I am now right  
I have chosen to overcome  
and will not disappoint  
 
an aching desire  
an inkling of prediction  
the cards dangle before me  
a future may still be possible  
 
with you  
 
I will take the days as they come  
just one at a time  
until I may breach this barrier  
I’ve created to protect you  
and please also, you must know  
I will have no expectations  
your fate is your own  
 
but I will no longer deny my destiny  
 
I will come to you in time  
three months as I’ve been instructed  
my heart sings for such promise  
to unveil what’s been stifled  
unrequited love no longer  
I will show her...  
 
 
 
...I’ve never wept over a regret  
~  
like that last lost hug...