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Under The Mercury Moon

 
a token shared;  
I read into  
the sentiment  
...was it from you?  

or had I given this freely  
only to be returned?
 

an Irish blessing  
upon a medallion  
the message is clear but  
I canít exactly remember  
some too many years ago  
even a decade longer  

since I knew your love  
and we were stronger
 

youíve returned to me  
an art collection  
I gathered back then  
still, no recollection  
did you place it here  
intentionally?  

or is the message rejection  
of what could have been?
 

a few weeks go by, and I  
seek the answer still  
though I do not ask you  
instead this box again, I spill  
the content: more boxes  
artistic packs of cigarettes  
a creative expression  
Iíve lost, and now lack  
the will for connection  
wish you only the best  

even if that means  
we can no longer be friends
 

so I search within  
each box, mostly intact  
for perhaps a clue  
I may have before missed  
I can see it in my mind  
a message on a note  
folded up secrets  
hidden depths of romance  

but as my fingers pry open  
these empty spaces reflect  
empty promises I left you  
expecting more than I gave  



...Iím not surprised at my heartache  
~  
Iím certain it reflects what you felt...
 



still  
I long to break this silence  
desire the passion we once held  
youíve left me again with no sign  
but I really donít blame you  
from all those years ago  
when you read my tarot  
I should have listened to you then  
I shouldnít have returned to those men  
and I should have hugged you goodbye  

but I couldnít stand anymore  
to be the one who made you cry
 

for all the struggles Iíve survived  
I have only learned better  
how to spread my wings  
to rise above as a feather  
and have hope for a better life  
but it is the loss of your friendship  
a laden remorse I still hide  
I am brought once again  

to knees, weeping  
no respite
 

my biggest regret so far  
is not having more courage  
you only ever wanted the best  
and now the cards foretell  

it is time  

I will rise above, break my shackles  
I will shine radiant and strong  
so you may see my light  
no withholdings  
I will not ignore my reading  
like I did of yours, so long ago  
the voice of the cosmos speaks:  

three monthsí time, I will reach out  
I must tell you what Iíve buried  
the last time we spoke  
the truth is, we had something  

more than friendship  

and maybe you still donít know  
if thatís your sensual identity  
Iím not really sure either but  
this silence deafens me  

and I will not end my life  
neither by suicide or natural decay  
until my voice has been heard  
forever in my heart, you will remain  

my sweet friend of a lady  
you were intimate and also inspiring  
you were always the warrior woman  
that I wished to exemplify within me  

so I will rest my woes for a while  
let my poor choices subside  
work through PTSD on my own 'cause  
you donít need to see me cry  

you need to see me in strength  
need reassurance, I am now right  
I have chosen to overcome  
and will not disappoint  

an aching desire  
an inkling of prediction  
the cards dangle before me  
a future may still be possible  

with you  

I will take the days as they come  
just one at a time  
until I may breach this barrier  
Iíve created to protect you  
and please also, you must know  
I will have no expectations  
your fate is your own  

but I will no longer deny my destiny  
 
I will come to you in time  
three months as Iíve been instructed  
my heart sings for such promise  
to unveil whatís been stifled  
unrequited love no longer  
I will show her...  


 
...Iíve never wept over a regret  
~  
like that last lost hug...
 



Written by nightbirdblue (enbyblue)
Published
Author's Note
December 5, 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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