DEPRESSION

Suicide      
Unhealthy thoughts taking a free ride        
Should I just keep walking by        
Or write a poem for someone else’s mind to decide        
There are so many people out there        
Not caring if they have a last breath to spare        
Not having remorse to no longer care        
   
Stress, Life, Hopeless, down on luck        
Not having a penny let alone a buck        
You’ve had it to the point you’re ripping out your hair        
Some people’s mind freefalling into thin air        
A silent battle of the brain within        
If I comment suicide no more problems taking me on a major tailspin        
I know you are tired, worn out, and yes, from taking it on the chin        
Think of a time when your life was soaring and then think again        
   
Think of a time your life was going great, very good as it should        
Starting first with memories of your childhood        
During those times things were never misunderstood        
Now you’re knocking your head against hardwood        
Trying to figure it all out        
Finding ways to keep your mental status up no doubt        
   
Reminiscences that once stirred your heart        
Mental breakdowns from the initial start        
Unspoken anger now for the most part        
Has the world now cloaked your brain in mental darkness        
Allowing no one to reach you, oh, that concept sounds so heartless        
We all have walked a mile in tight shoes        
Dark storms of the mind from society abuse        
   
Hanging on by a thread hoping no one judges your ruse        
However, who gives you that sole right to choose        
A word no one likes to comprehend win or lose        
God giveth, not for man or woman to taketh away        
As your life flashes you by as acting it out on Broadway        
SOS, May Day, Wait, I think I’ve changed my mind        
Noose has tightened to my neck, blood running from my wrist, sleeping pills have all been washed down        
   
Stomach pumped, oh no        
I really really never intended to go        
Save me please        
The next time I will ask for these thoughts to be removed on my knees        
Paddles of life to chest couldn’t help        
The third time it worked, yelp        
   
As I lay still        
No more turmoil to fit this earthly bill        
Had I hung in, would this had passed, but still        
There was always a tomorrow        
Tears from someone else’s eyes at the expense of my sorrow        
I’m on my ascending pathway        
You will see the understanding of this self-demise revealed to you on Judgment Day        
There will be no more words from you to say        
   
When you’re dealing with the mental blues I know it’s not my call        
I have to pass this insight of this universal protocol        
I was ordained and yes, I want my Angel wings        
Sent back here to say or do some strange things        
All for a great cause        
Under God’s universal laws        
   
However, I will never know where you come from        
Slow down, let’s talk, I may be able to tell you how to channel that raging weather, and then some        
This is not a fad, way out, or words to get lost in        
Surrendering your last breath is when your life truly begins        
You think you are experiencing hell on earth now        
Going up against God with the excuse I refuse to give earth my final bow        
Trust me you shall reap what you sow upon its disavowal         
   
No reasons accepted I thought this was my only way out from a mental drought        
A shake of God’s head for an eternal lockout        
It hurts if only you knew from the soul’s earthly remembrance to let it be        
At the Pearly Gates begging if only you could see        
Do not allow your mind to attempt to unlocked God’s universal mysterious        
You can’t        
Therefore, when you’re feeling down, pray, meditate, or chant        
   
No one wants to come back here        
And still adhere        
To the same plan you thought for a quick escape        
Accepting your fate again on this planet we call earth, denied until you reshape        
Trust me that’s not a Heavenly debate        
At any rate        
You never get those moments in time to backdate        
   
When in doubt, talk it out, take medication if you must to get you through        
I know this has been tried and true        
Just please keep this angle of view in mind        
And allow your thoughts to naturally unwind        
Channel your temple and leave the negative energy of your mind behind        
Once you close your eyes        
No more second chances to understand, the what, when, or the whys        

You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been,
You know, been not alone ----
ever.
I know I’ve, at one time been in
Solace refrain
And perhaps even happy at one time…
It has been so long I can barely remember.

In a crowded room, a family, a school
One can become lonely when
One notices a difference
In the way one is not treated ~
When the family pet gets better love. . .

How many,
how many opportunities have I shunned?
Passed on?
Good-Bye.

It is of no surprise to me that
I am companion-less:
No mate, no wife, no intimate significant other.
When You have already met, Your intimate immortal
then the fucking Reaper steals her away ----
How can i ever FEEL, truly feel again?

Forever, I pine I seek and in searching
I emptied the 357 of every fucking chamber
Into the empty spot in my heart
to fill that awful void
that emptiness that loneliness
and when I awaken from my lifelong
Depression
I see clearly . . .

Death cannot come soon enough.

For in life
I AM ALONE.

Life made sense to me when I felt your touch
I thought you’d stay forever in my arms
Darling, you brought me short-lived happiness
I didn’t know love before you found me
You took me close to a place like heaven

You were sweeter than a woman could be
Darling, you said that your love would save me,
But it wasn’t true; you came to end my life.
I’ll die with a broken heart because you left me
I can’t go on living without the love I had

Every day feels like my last day on earth
A life with prolonged sorrow isn’t worth living
I remember you with gratitude and affection
The love that I lost weighs heavily on my mind
Darling, I’ll surely die with a broken heart

For Stacy-Ann  
   
The woman I loved was sitting at the ground floor of the North Stand.  
I underwent three years of depression after our affair went wrong.  
My heart was throbbing, and I was burning to tell her how sorry I was.  
She briefly spoke to my partner so she definitely knew that I was there.  
I concealed my misery when I learned that she did not ask after me.  
   
She was amid the crowd just a few meters from the playing field.  
Even though she was out of sight, I felt her energy in the atmosphere.  
I could not articulate my eagerness to see her at that moment;  
Nevertheless, I knew that I was not going to show up abruptly at her seat.  
I had a feeling that she would not greet me with her arms open wide.  
   
Considering the situation between us, I did not know how she felt;  
Neither did I have the slightest thought that she still loved me.  
I seriously felt that I would never stop loving her regardless of the futility.  
It took everything within me not to go over there and speak to her.  
And my decision to avoid her plunged me back into deep depression.  
   
She has been harbouring resentment towards me since we broke up.  
And I was afraid that she would humiliate me in front of the crowd.  
It was a very difficult situation, and the distress was too much for me,  
So I hung my head in shame and left the facility without seeing her.  
I regretted that I did not go to her, and I cried inside on my way home.  
   
I reflected with sorrow on the loss of the fervent love we shared in secret.  
My greatest wish came true when I met her in the small classroom.  
The first time she smiled at me, I knew that I would love her endlessly.    
She was an inexperienced lover, but her touch filled me with emotion.  
I appreciated her love, and I treasured no other woman as I treasured her.  
   
Even though she was a shy virgin and it was her first relationship,  
She loved me the best way a virtuous woman could love a man.  
I loved her excessively then, and now I still have the same love for her.  
The passion brought tears of joy to my eyes when she kissed me,  
But I have shed only tears of grief since the day fate separated us.  
   
I was so careless that I lost her unique love, and it destroyed me;  
Nevertheless, the thoughts of her continue to obsess my mind.  
Why am I unable to forget the love and the happiness she brought me?  
She is the object of my affection, the woman I desire most of all.  
It seems that nothing on earth can make me stop thinking about her.  
   
I am falling apart, and I cannot live with this sadness anymore.  
O Lord, take away my life if my arms will never embrace her again.  
Please take this painful instinct of love from my broken heart.  
Do not let me be constantly in love with someone I cannot have.  
Make the woman I love come back to me or make me stop loving her.

Every word and every thought
Was mine when all was said and bought  
Who knew? that in my own desire  
Your kindled spirit lights that fire  
 
Who drew me close? Who called you near?  
Who weaps when life would bring you cheer?  
Who knew the empty, sullen train  
Should bring me back to you again?  
'Twas not men  
 
I knew your words, and know them still  
To fear them not who maim and kill  
For flesh and fragrance in a flash  
Would last a moment's bitter lash  
 
And on that road when I did weep  
And saw them sow what you did reap  
You told me:  
Woman! Shead thy tears and not for me  
But for the children borne of thee  
For if they kill in this array  
What pain will be on judgement day!  
 
And so I held your due impart  
Within my soul and in my heart  
The blood I saw, and power felt  
That makes the mind of man to melt  
 
I knew it not when it would be  
That prophesy would come to me  
Nor to my own, nor neighbors still  
Of when they'd come, like they, to kill  
 
And still I see and hold it true  
The words that flowed like blood from you  
And oozing from the wounds that bled  
I saw the armies that you led  
 
I saw you hold my fractured soul  
And witnessed how you make it whole.

When I close my eyes
I can see the screaming stars
Threatening to leave the night
Till I'm alone in the suffocating dark

It's terminal torture
Living with dying synapses
Bricks crumble one by one
Till the brain finally collapses

Everything's exposed
But I still breathe
My heart lies crushed on the floor
Yet I don't bleed

I search for my lost soul
I must've dropped it along the way
Asking for help
But everyone just stares or looks away

Was life meant to be
A puzzle impossible to complete
Or did I miss something
Caught a disease that can't be beat

The doctor says to lie back
And just relax
But he's not the one
With all the knives stuck in his back

I just want to know
Why I'm different from everyone else
Why I'm haunted by a burning brain
And why no one can seem to help

Plastic smile
On a plastic face
No one can tell
But you know it's fake

Enveloped by covers
No one will see
This waste of space
I have come to be

No more fun
No more games
No more lies
No more pain

I'll just close my eyes
And make you all go away