Poetry competition CLOSED 1st November 2020 10:14pm
WINNER
PoetsRevenge
PoetsRevenge
RUNNERS-UP:
summultima
and Eerie
Nothing But Color
The view of a deserted island
I awoke with a start—
a dozen or so people were peering down
at me in a very curious way.
The last thing I recalled
was talking into my dictaphone,
repeating my conversation with a shopkeeper.
As I lie there, slowly looking up
at an old man, I tried to ask
what happened ; but only a weeping,
stumbling cry escaped his mouth.
I wanted to recall the last words
I had spoken into the dicataphone;
but, all I remembered were words
spoken by the shopkeeper:
"...unadulterated by anything but silence and its directions".
I turned my head to the only person
who was not wearing such a solemn,
worried expression—
a young boy with a glowing twinkle
growing in his eyes, put a finger to his lips
and began to smile.
a dozen or so people were peering down
at me in a very curious way.
The last thing I recalled
was talking into my dictaphone,
repeating my conversation with a shopkeeper.
As I lie there, slowly looking up
at an old man, I tried to ask
what happened ; but only a weeping,
stumbling cry escaped his mouth.
I wanted to recall the last words
I had spoken into the dicataphone;
but, all I remembered were words
spoken by the shopkeeper:
"...unadulterated by anything but silence and its directions".
I turned my head to the only person
who was not wearing such a solemn,
worried expression—
a young boy with a glowing twinkle
growing in his eyes, put a finger to his lips
and began to smile.
Written by nomoth
Go To Page
The Dawn
now that you are gone…
..may I for once unfossiliferously
rewind unto those dungeons of
doggoned hollows
... all that has but sacrilegiously been
the lifeline currency coinage that you count
upon dearly in its clattering ~ clink clank
corroboree of haphazard(ous) materialistic
maniacal gluttonies until endless nights those
never ripens to the dawns of a simple touch...
if not to the core of l o v e, awaiting in gracious
bridal vain to be at the least gazed momentarily
if not dig deep to be pound~ hard deconstructs
in all the viciously viscous slippery bogs you easily
slip me in your seemingly naļve web of a vincible
ignorance you smother airtight in an indecipherable
cold-(s)mug silence…
many draining nights of cruel quick desertion
you insipidly empty me as feudal leeches.. delibly
sealing as if kiss~ like marks of only stinky dirt
writhing plaques & a melodramatic frothy moist~
dearth of a salival bug coldness in its allegorical
lingering allergically still~ remnant toxicities… that
by my hallowed soul~ flame sublimities, a destiny,
break off to brittle blown off bonelessly evaporating
nontraceable nothingness, an antidotally nature’s
saving blissful grace..
that just expels your blind night’s vile greenery
of roaring slavish breweries’ slapping concoctions....
out of my fragrant bouquet’s throbbing pure
chalice holding decoctions of a red~ rosaceous
heart, now in an evermore fuller fluorescence
crop~ bloom of a blood fill~ thickening arterial
succulence…. & thus, this in exuberance, the
self-Pollock’s pain-(s)peaking streaks of my
vermilion verses splattering a free new dawn
Written by summultima
(uma)
Go To Page
Hello, Lovelies! We've had a couple of late entries so we are on this. Also, we are triple checking to see if any entries have been edited since we first reviewed them. We appreciate your patience! In the interim, please visit this month's competitions featuring Rita Dove and Lord Byron. xo
Greetings, Entrants, muchos gracias for your patience throughout this process! Congratulations to our winners, runner-ups, and honorable mentions! Thank you ALL for braving Ai Ogawa. Please keep in mind that the following critiques of your entries are designed to help you IMPROVE your poetry, and hopefully future entries to the classics.
Feel free to carry over any discussion of your critiques to the Classic Corner Discussion thread in the speak easy.
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/10855/
Don't forget to VOTE in next month's CCC poll, also located in the speakeasy:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/11641/
Join us for this month's CCC's featuring Rita Dove and Lord Byron.
Sonata Mulattica: https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11642/
She Walks in Beauty:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11643/
=====
Eerie: Indifference
As noted on your page, you took the essence of Ai's poem and conveyed it as your own. Your greatest strength is your ability to open your heart and honestly convey your emotion. This comes across as real and genuine, and enables those who cannot relate from personal experience to relate from a supportive perception.
Technically, there are a few suggestions we could offer. Please keep in mind that these critiques are geared to help you improve your writing skills.
Firstly, in reference to punctuation:
¯ Commas should always be used to separate two or more coordinate adjectives that describe the same noun; or, if they can be flipped and joined by 'and' ( Coordinate adjectives are a series of two or more adjectives that independently modify a noun and are roughly equal in importance. ), i.e. - silky, black magnitude and craggy, pink scars.
¯ Hyphenation could also be used between two adjectives, i.e. - patent[-]leather and tip[-]toeing ( albeit the latter is actually a hyphenated word ).
¯ That brings me to 'in a pair of patent-leather sin'—
is sin a metaphor for shoes, i.e. - walking in sin? I feel I am missing something significant in this line; I keep wanting it to say a pair of patent-leather sins, as I would say patent-leather shoes because pair denotes more than one; thus, I feel the noun would be plural. However, I am unsure the context you intended; therefore, would love for you to eleborate on that line.
¯ What should not be comma'd is the following because you'd be interrupting an idenpenent clause not containing cooordinate adjectives or conjunctions ( and, etc ). It also doesn't begin with a subordinating conjunction ( Although, etc. ), nor does it emphasize a contrast ( 'despite', and so on ). These are the main points, though there are others.
"The memory of what has been cut away forms deep pockets bent on"
A good rule of thumb is the * sentence rule *. If you can write the line as a sentence vs poetic lines, would you use a comma ( in this context )? The answer should be, No.
¯ In S2 the following should be semicoloned instead of comma'd because a new dimension is being added:
There is never enough courage
to slip into irreverent contours;
your dusty fingertips grazing
¯ Your enjambments were superb in S1 until:
what the bedroom represents /
has buried me in guilt.
By shifting 'has' to the last line, you carry over a wondrous consonance of s, as well as create a half-rhyme and nice t consonance between represents/guilt. ( Also, I played around with moving courage to L1 to play off contours in L2. This is completely personal and by no means a technical aspect which needs correcting. )
In S2 they falter in a few places:
mangled, canyon depressions/ and
craggy[ , ]pink scars [s]that[/s]
yawn[ing] in outright boredom.
'[ A ]nd' is a very weak enjambment as well as a detractment from the powerful imagery of mangled, canyon depressions. A principle of imagism is to use absolutely no word that does not contribute to the presentation of the line, or image you are attempting to portray. Read with and without, and see how the use of 'and' deminishes the power of the imagery by forcing the reader to focus on what is next, rather than take a moment to revel in what they'd just read. Also, I suggest removing 'that', and altering the tense of yawn to yawning for two reasons: firstly, because it picks up a half-rhyme with craGGY/yawnING; and, secondly, because that doesn't contribute ( or does so very weakly ) to the presentation of imagery you're desiring to convey.
The memory of what has been
cut away forms deep pockets/bent on
Read this couplet with and without bent on, and tell me which is more powerful? Does the suffix detract or add to the imagery of the line? Excellent enjambment on L1, btw.
bent on spoiling the fruit [s]and[/s][ — ]/
tossing out any love that remains.
You were once unburdened
by my catastrophe[ , ] and I was unsoiled
by chemical castration.
In the above, I've removed 'and' and inserted an em dash for emphasis for two reasons: firstly, its repeated in L4; and, secondly, the em dash signals a continuation, but in a less boring format than a comma or conjunction such as 'and' et al. I suggest relocating tossing out to the next line to create a better enjambment. I would seriosly consider substituting ellipses for 'was' to create a train of thought.
and I . . . unsoiled
Your final three lines are perfect except for a comma to allow the reader a brief pause to contemplate before continuing with new imagery. This is also a perfect example of how to use a repetitive word, in this case 'by'.
Eerie, you ucaptured the essence of Ai perfectly from your inspirational poem. However, being that this was an extremely emotional write, sometimes we become caught up in that emotion and technicalities fall by the wayside. While there were some substantial technicalities, they weren't enough by any means to take away from the impact of the poem, or knock you out of placement.
Contratulations on your Second Place win, and thank you for braving the CCC's. We hope to see you back next month.
How am I to comprehend you
in a Sunday suit, your starched pinstripe
feigning virtue while you sweat buckets
in a pair of patent-leather sin.
I cannot pretend what it is you need
under this silky, black magnitude
of ruffled disappointment.
Requirements for tip-toeing around
what the bedroom represents
has buried me in guilt.
There is never enough courage
to slip into irreverent contours;
your dusty fingertips grazing
mangled, canyon depressions
and craggy, pink scars
yawning in outright boredom.
The memory of what has been
cut away forms deep pockets
bent on spoiling the fruit—
tossing out any love that remains.
You were once unburdened
by my catastrophe, and I . . . unsoiled
by chemical castration.
=====
Due to length of critiques, this will take a few posts; please be patient with us.
Feel free to carry over any discussion of your critiques to the Classic Corner Discussion thread in the speak easy.
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/10855/
Don't forget to VOTE in next month's CCC poll, also located in the speakeasy:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/11641/
Join us for this month's CCC's featuring Rita Dove and Lord Byron.
Sonata Mulattica: https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11642/
She Walks in Beauty:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11643/
=====
Eerie: Indifference
As noted on your page, you took the essence of Ai's poem and conveyed it as your own. Your greatest strength is your ability to open your heart and honestly convey your emotion. This comes across as real and genuine, and enables those who cannot relate from personal experience to relate from a supportive perception.
Technically, there are a few suggestions we could offer. Please keep in mind that these critiques are geared to help you improve your writing skills.
Firstly, in reference to punctuation:
¯ Commas should always be used to separate two or more coordinate adjectives that describe the same noun; or, if they can be flipped and joined by 'and' ( Coordinate adjectives are a series of two or more adjectives that independently modify a noun and are roughly equal in importance. ), i.e. - silky, black magnitude and craggy, pink scars.
¯ Hyphenation could also be used between two adjectives, i.e. - patent[-]leather and tip[-]toeing ( albeit the latter is actually a hyphenated word ).
¯ That brings me to 'in a pair of patent-leather sin'—
is sin a metaphor for shoes, i.e. - walking in sin? I feel I am missing something significant in this line; I keep wanting it to say a pair of patent-leather sins, as I would say patent-leather shoes because pair denotes more than one; thus, I feel the noun would be plural. However, I am unsure the context you intended; therefore, would love for you to eleborate on that line.
¯ What should not be comma'd is the following because you'd be interrupting an idenpenent clause not containing cooordinate adjectives or conjunctions ( and, etc ). It also doesn't begin with a subordinating conjunction ( Although, etc. ), nor does it emphasize a contrast ( 'despite', and so on ). These are the main points, though there are others.
"The memory of what has been cut away forms deep pockets bent on"
A good rule of thumb is the * sentence rule *. If you can write the line as a sentence vs poetic lines, would you use a comma ( in this context )? The answer should be, No.
¯ In S2 the following should be semicoloned instead of comma'd because a new dimension is being added:
There is never enough courage
to slip into irreverent contours;
your dusty fingertips grazing
¯ Your enjambments were superb in S1 until:
what the bedroom represents /
has buried me in guilt.
By shifting 'has' to the last line, you carry over a wondrous consonance of s, as well as create a half-rhyme and nice t consonance between represents/guilt. ( Also, I played around with moving courage to L1 to play off contours in L2. This is completely personal and by no means a technical aspect which needs correcting. )
In S2 they falter in a few places:
mangled, canyon depressions/ and
craggy[ , ]pink scars [s]that[/s]
yawn[ing] in outright boredom.
'[ A ]nd' is a very weak enjambment as well as a detractment from the powerful imagery of mangled, canyon depressions. A principle of imagism is to use absolutely no word that does not contribute to the presentation of the line, or image you are attempting to portray. Read with and without, and see how the use of 'and' deminishes the power of the imagery by forcing the reader to focus on what is next, rather than take a moment to revel in what they'd just read. Also, I suggest removing 'that', and altering the tense of yawn to yawning for two reasons: firstly, because it picks up a half-rhyme with craGGY/yawnING; and, secondly, because that doesn't contribute ( or does so very weakly ) to the presentation of imagery you're desiring to convey.
The memory of what has been
cut away forms deep pockets/bent on
Read this couplet with and without bent on, and tell me which is more powerful? Does the suffix detract or add to the imagery of the line? Excellent enjambment on L1, btw.
bent on spoiling the fruit [s]and[/s][ — ]/
tossing out any love that remains.
You were once unburdened
by my catastrophe[ , ] and I was unsoiled
by chemical castration.
In the above, I've removed 'and' and inserted an em dash for emphasis for two reasons: firstly, its repeated in L4; and, secondly, the em dash signals a continuation, but in a less boring format than a comma or conjunction such as 'and' et al. I suggest relocating tossing out to the next line to create a better enjambment. I would seriosly consider substituting ellipses for 'was' to create a train of thought.
and I . . . unsoiled
Your final three lines are perfect except for a comma to allow the reader a brief pause to contemplate before continuing with new imagery. This is also a perfect example of how to use a repetitive word, in this case 'by'.
Eerie, you ucaptured the essence of Ai perfectly from your inspirational poem. However, being that this was an extremely emotional write, sometimes we become caught up in that emotion and technicalities fall by the wayside. While there were some substantial technicalities, they weren't enough by any means to take away from the impact of the poem, or knock you out of placement.
Contratulations on your Second Place win, and thank you for braving the CCC's. We hope to see you back next month.
How am I to comprehend you
in a Sunday suit, your starched pinstripe
feigning virtue while you sweat buckets
in a pair of patent-leather sin.
I cannot pretend what it is you need
under this silky, black magnitude
of ruffled disappointment.
Requirements for tip-toeing around
what the bedroom represents
has buried me in guilt.
There is never enough courage
to slip into irreverent contours;
your dusty fingertips grazing
mangled, canyon depressions
and craggy, pink scars
yawning in outright boredom.
The memory of what has been
cut away forms deep pockets
bent on spoiling the fruit—
tossing out any love that remains.
You were once unburdened
by my catastrophe, and I . . . unsoiled
by chemical castration.
=====
Due to length of critiques, this will take a few posts; please be patient with us.
Wally: Eight-Year-Old Boy
Wally, you selected what is probably the most disturbing of Ai's poems, The Kid. Hers leaves the reader completely on their own to fill in the blanks regarding a disturbed child. Were his parents overly stern? Was he the victim of bullying and abuse? She leaves the reader very little room outside of their imaginations to deduct why a 14 year old boy would murder his family and the farm animals, then pack his mother's nightgown and sister's doll.
This all resembles thoughts many teenagers have brought to life! There were times I wanted to kill my parents, and definitely my brothers. So perhaps this was Ai's way of acting out something she felt as a teen herself. We will never know, except the ending is something out of a psychological thriller or cowboy drifter movie—I’m a wind from nowhere./ I can break your heart.”
In regards to essence, we felt you missed the mark on this one. Yours is along the same vein of boy and age; however, what you're recalling in yours is a frightening memory of a cat on a dark night. It almost seems that your grandma and aunt came to your rescue vs murdering them in the night ( I'm not complaining ). Yes, it makes for a highly entertaining poem, but it overlooks family dysfunction that Ai wish to bring attention to.
"The Kid" was a glimpse into the lives of psychologically impaired children who are conditioned into believing violence is an answer to family dysfunction. Ai tried to illustrate this through a depiction of escalation ( behavioral problems allowed to get out of control by ignoring them ) and reinforced this with symbolism.
For instance, the sister shoving her inanimate doll's face in the mud symbolizes a person incapable of speaking up for himself --- muted so to speak. The Kid, who feels muted, then goes on to ignore his Father in his own way of muting others in retaliation. Frustration escalates to the point that The Kid physically lashes out towards his Mother, but his attempt falls short. He's "a stone's throw away" from criminal behavior until he compensates for his ineffectiveness by violently "following through" with a swing of an iron bar, clunking his Father to death.
As far as technicals such as punctuation, we urge you to read our suggestions to Eerie regarding comma useage; or read up on their proper use in Ahavati's Punctuation Workshop:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/workshop/read/11235/
Thank you always for supporting the classics! We appreciate you and hope to see you back this month for Rita Dove and Lord Byron.
=====
PoetsRevenge: 'Through The Cane'
As expected, you took the essence of Ai's poem and transformed it into your own. It's an amazing tribute to Ai's poem by illuminating the meaning of Juanita's feet being cut off through your crafty merging of woman and cane into a singular crop.
If we could suggest anything in terms of improvement, it would be the following:
I walk among the cane
where I kill her, feet still walking.
How would you know it was me [ omit the comma ]
not redemption laying you bare;
girl I remember, touched as a blushing rose [ — ]
face down and wilted.
A crushed candy rock / [ line break ]
you were drawn from
so long ago in my mind.
We suggested you omit the comma after me, because there is already a natural pause present. We suggest an em dash vs comma after rose because the comma was much too weak to precede the following imagery, which is stellar, btw. Lastly, the line would read much stronger if your enjambment ended with rock vs you.
That metaphor, both, actually; the rose and candy rock are chilling.
The second stanza echoes a lot of what we did in the first in regards to replacing a very weak comma with an em dash for a stronger emphasis, to prepare the reader.
Earth gave us this: Each other.
We weep, but only from the wind
as it takes you with it.
A wagon rolls by [ — ]
the cut cane like limbs;
how gratifying are its legs[ / ]
oozing crystal, feet left to sink lower
and run home to our barren souls.
The enjambment issue would work better if you moved 'oozing' to the next line; or,comma'd after legs as such:
how gratifying are its legs, oozing
crystal, feet left to sink lower
On a personal note ( Ahavati ), I want to note how wonderfully you've captured the the imagery of the cane! [O]ozing crystal is perfect! We lived beside a sugarcane farmer when I was very young, and I remember chewing on a freshly cut one. It was DELICIOUS and looked exactly as you described.
Lastly, we also suggest a revision to the final stanza with an omission of "woman" or "girl" because of the redundancy occuring in such close proximity with one another. Here is one possible alternative:
Sweet, succulent [ woman ],
we were together, and now
I push you along
to be refined and purified
of your old[ , ]brown self [ ; ]
bitterness [ killed* ]/
by a force within.
* Watch for those red lines in regards to misspellings! We replaced the comma with semicolon because the final two lines contain a new statement relevant to the previous. Also, reference Eerie's critique in regards to commas between adjectives.
PR, thank you for your dedication and commitment to the Classics. Your ability to hone in on an essence and talent to make it your own are practically unsurpassed. Congratulations on your First Place Win!
We look forward to seeing you this month for Dove and Byron.
=====
Wally, you selected what is probably the most disturbing of Ai's poems, The Kid. Hers leaves the reader completely on their own to fill in the blanks regarding a disturbed child. Were his parents overly stern? Was he the victim of bullying and abuse? She leaves the reader very little room outside of their imaginations to deduct why a 14 year old boy would murder his family and the farm animals, then pack his mother's nightgown and sister's doll.
This all resembles thoughts many teenagers have brought to life! There were times I wanted to kill my parents, and definitely my brothers. So perhaps this was Ai's way of acting out something she felt as a teen herself. We will never know, except the ending is something out of a psychological thriller or cowboy drifter movie—I’m a wind from nowhere./ I can break your heart.”
In regards to essence, we felt you missed the mark on this one. Yours is along the same vein of boy and age; however, what you're recalling in yours is a frightening memory of a cat on a dark night. It almost seems that your grandma and aunt came to your rescue vs murdering them in the night ( I'm not complaining ). Yes, it makes for a highly entertaining poem, but it overlooks family dysfunction that Ai wish to bring attention to.
"The Kid" was a glimpse into the lives of psychologically impaired children who are conditioned into believing violence is an answer to family dysfunction. Ai tried to illustrate this through a depiction of escalation ( behavioral problems allowed to get out of control by ignoring them ) and reinforced this with symbolism.
For instance, the sister shoving her inanimate doll's face in the mud symbolizes a person incapable of speaking up for himself --- muted so to speak. The Kid, who feels muted, then goes on to ignore his Father in his own way of muting others in retaliation. Frustration escalates to the point that The Kid physically lashes out towards his Mother, but his attempt falls short. He's "a stone's throw away" from criminal behavior until he compensates for his ineffectiveness by violently "following through" with a swing of an iron bar, clunking his Father to death.
As far as technicals such as punctuation, we urge you to read our suggestions to Eerie regarding comma useage; or read up on their proper use in Ahavati's Punctuation Workshop:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/workshop/read/11235/
Thank you always for supporting the classics! We appreciate you and hope to see you back this month for Rita Dove and Lord Byron.
=====
PoetsRevenge: 'Through The Cane'
As expected, you took the essence of Ai's poem and transformed it into your own. It's an amazing tribute to Ai's poem by illuminating the meaning of Juanita's feet being cut off through your crafty merging of woman and cane into a singular crop.
If we could suggest anything in terms of improvement, it would be the following:
I walk among the cane
where I kill her, feet still walking.
How would you know it was me [ omit the comma ]
not redemption laying you bare;
girl I remember, touched as a blushing rose [ — ]
face down and wilted.
A crushed candy rock / [ line break ]
you were drawn from
so long ago in my mind.
We suggested you omit the comma after me, because there is already a natural pause present. We suggest an em dash vs comma after rose because the comma was much too weak to precede the following imagery, which is stellar, btw. Lastly, the line would read much stronger if your enjambment ended with rock vs you.
That metaphor, both, actually; the rose and candy rock are chilling.
The second stanza echoes a lot of what we did in the first in regards to replacing a very weak comma with an em dash for a stronger emphasis, to prepare the reader.
Earth gave us this: Each other.
We weep, but only from the wind
as it takes you with it.
A wagon rolls by [ — ]
the cut cane like limbs;
how gratifying are its legs[ / ]
oozing crystal, feet left to sink lower
and run home to our barren souls.
The enjambment issue would work better if you moved 'oozing' to the next line; or,comma'd after legs as such:
how gratifying are its legs, oozing
crystal, feet left to sink lower
On a personal note ( Ahavati ), I want to note how wonderfully you've captured the the imagery of the cane! [O]ozing crystal is perfect! We lived beside a sugarcane farmer when I was very young, and I remember chewing on a freshly cut one. It was DELICIOUS and looked exactly as you described.
Lastly, we also suggest a revision to the final stanza with an omission of "woman" or "girl" because of the redundancy occuring in such close proximity with one another. Here is one possible alternative:
Sweet, succulent [ woman ],
we were together, and now
I push you along
to be refined and purified
of your old[ , ]brown self [ ; ]
bitterness [ killed* ]/
by a force within.
* Watch for those red lines in regards to misspellings! We replaced the comma with semicolon because the final two lines contain a new statement relevant to the previous. Also, reference Eerie's critique in regards to commas between adjectives.
PR, thank you for your dedication and commitment to the Classics. Your ability to hone in on an essence and talent to make it your own are practically unsurpassed. Congratulations on your First Place Win!
We look forward to seeing you this month for Dove and Byron.
=====
Sex_on_the_Joe (Joe-D): 2 hrs. of Peace
Hi, Joe-D; as convyed on your poem, you've certainly captured the essence of Ai's inspirational poem, so there's no squabble there. Grammatically, we suggest the following edits:
[ The ] house is [ in ] disarray
Drawn to life [ in ] [ a ] trail
[ Her ] toys [ and ] stuffed animals [ lie ]
All lifeless [ and ] war-torn
Memories [ of ] [ a ] 3yr old’s tale
[ Her ] bowl [ lie ]-bruised [ and ] battered
[ A ] washed-up waterfall
Full [ of ] victims [ of ] [ the ] war
Firstly, grammatically it should read lie/s vs lays. Lay/s is a transitive verb, meaning it always needs an object: i.e. - I am going to lay [ this book < - object ] here for later; or, the hen lays [ many eggs < - object ]. More simply put, lay/s means 'to place something down flat,' while lie/s means 'to be in a flat position on a surface.' The latter is the case for the toys and bowl. Secondly, it should be three-year-old's or 3-year-old's. Typically the rule of thumb is to spell out anything under ten, and numerically list 11 and above. A good litmus test is to be consistent with other numbers if you're using them. Because you're not, then 3-year-old's would be perfectly acceptible.
Thirdly, all of the bracketed words have been used two or more times in the same stanza. We understand that you are stepping out of your box by entering these comps, and we feel that's a very brave move on your part. It demonstrates how committed you are to growth as a writer; therefore, we want to encourage that gesture with honest critique to help you improve as a poet. Please understand that these critiques are geared positively to help you win in the future. Thusly, we would recommend you truly step out of that box and expand your vocabulary; find new ways to say things rather than selecting words already in your box.
The second stanza was less repetitive; however, still had some points which could be improved.
Those brave enough to float
In her oval ringed lake
Quietness brakes my train
All is still [ , ] all is quiet
I hear the minutes tick [s]by[/s]
[ These ] precious anniversary
Moments
That tumbleweed through my day
The house is mine
When repeating a phrase such as "All is. . .", it's best to comma between them to allow the reader a bit of a pause. Think of the Christmas song, "All is calm, All is bright. . ." Do you REALLY need 'by'? I feel that ticking minutes implies they are passing. You could also reduce one 'Those' by replacing the second with 'These' to reduce repetition.
This was a rather innovative take on Ai's poem, and it can be interpreted in different ways. The child's disregard for the parent's want of a quiet, orderly house. The parent's need to disregard the child's mess requiring cleanup, in order to just chill and enjoy the quiet.
For that you earned and honorable mention! Congratulations!
=====
Hi, Joe-D; as convyed on your poem, you've certainly captured the essence of Ai's inspirational poem, so there's no squabble there. Grammatically, we suggest the following edits:
[ The ] house is [ in ] disarray
Drawn to life [ in ] [ a ] trail
[ Her ] toys [ and ] stuffed animals [ lie ]
All lifeless [ and ] war-torn
Memories [ of ] [ a ] 3yr old’s tale
[ Her ] bowl [ lie ]-bruised [ and ] battered
[ A ] washed-up waterfall
Full [ of ] victims [ of ] [ the ] war
Firstly, grammatically it should read lie/s vs lays. Lay/s is a transitive verb, meaning it always needs an object: i.e. - I am going to lay [ this book < - object ] here for later; or, the hen lays [ many eggs < - object ]. More simply put, lay/s means 'to place something down flat,' while lie/s means 'to be in a flat position on a surface.' The latter is the case for the toys and bowl. Secondly, it should be three-year-old's or 3-year-old's. Typically the rule of thumb is to spell out anything under ten, and numerically list 11 and above. A good litmus test is to be consistent with other numbers if you're using them. Because you're not, then 3-year-old's would be perfectly acceptible.
Thirdly, all of the bracketed words have been used two or more times in the same stanza. We understand that you are stepping out of your box by entering these comps, and we feel that's a very brave move on your part. It demonstrates how committed you are to growth as a writer; therefore, we want to encourage that gesture with honest critique to help you improve as a poet. Please understand that these critiques are geared positively to help you win in the future. Thusly, we would recommend you truly step out of that box and expand your vocabulary; find new ways to say things rather than selecting words already in your box.
The second stanza was less repetitive; however, still had some points which could be improved.
Those brave enough to float
In her oval ringed lake
Quietness brakes my train
All is still [ , ] all is quiet
I hear the minutes tick [s]by[/s]
[ These ] precious anniversary
Moments
That tumbleweed through my day
The house is mine
When repeating a phrase such as "All is. . .", it's best to comma between them to allow the reader a bit of a pause. Think of the Christmas song, "All is calm, All is bright. . ." Do you REALLY need 'by'? I feel that ticking minutes implies they are passing. You could also reduce one 'Those' by replacing the second with 'These' to reduce repetition.
This was a rather innovative take on Ai's poem, and it can be interpreted in different ways. The child's disregard for the parent's want of a quiet, orderly house. The parent's need to disregard the child's mess requiring cleanup, in order to just chill and enjoy the quiet.
For that you earned and honorable mention! Congratulations!
=====
Valeriyabeyond (Valeriya) The Passage Contains Shadows
Hi, Val. Firstly, this was a very unique take on Ai's Passage For Allen Ginsberg. Ai's contains the metaphor of riding a train to describe the life one could be living being passed by. The train ride only continues as long as desire to deviate from routine is suppressed. The rider can't be like a sunflower along the tracks reaching for potential, growing in the encouragement of the sun. She's adopted her mother's beliefs and remains discouraged by such.
Yours speaks of a man on a bus whose spirit has been deflated by his years of routine, while your narrator watches him from a bench remains optimistic. She's going places, not content to sit still, even though she is depicted as what is being passed by in a reverse sort of fashion. She is Ai's sunflower.
Your imagery and attention to detail is impeccable; you have a real gift of drawing the reader in to your landscape to experience your vision. It's a beautiful offering; however, there are several areas that could stand for improvement:
First, and most importantly is your over-use of commas. In poetry the end of each line holds a naturally brief pause; therefore, the use of a comma at the end of every line interrupts the flow of the reading, particularly when it occurs in the middle of a sentence.
Time stands to pause,
from the everyday,
the too familiar,
the knowing, of one's heartbeat.
As I explained to Eerie in regards to comma useage:
¯ What should not be comma'd is the following: 1) an independent clause that doesn't contain coordinate adjectives or conjunctions ( 'and', etc ); 2) an independent clause that doesn't begin with a subordinating conjunction ( 'Although', etc. ); 3) if there is no emphasis on contrast ( 'despite' etc. ); 4) if there is no condition ( 'If' etc. ). Those are the main points but there are others.
Again, a good rule of thumb to use when determining commas is the * sentence rule *. If you were to write out the first two lines at a sentence, does it follow comma rules? Your answer should be, No.
Time stands to pause from the everyday
Thus, in the above, no commas would be needed.
Secondly, repetition. You've used 'the' three times in four lines. Could you say these lines differently to eliminate a portion of the repetition? How about something this:
the too familiar,
the knowing, of one's heartbeat.
[ a ]too familiar knowing
of one's hearbeat
Thus, if you accept the recommendations, the stanza would read as such:
Time stands to pause
from the everyday—
a too familiar knowing
of one's heartbeat.
Do you see how streamlined it reads? I personally added the em dash because I substituted 'a' for 'the', which altered the dynamics of the structure.
We want you to take every stanza and put it into sentence structure as demonstrated below with your second stanza:
Consistent shadows,
in their progression,
pass through Cottonwoods,
that urge me on,
to sit on this bus bench,
where paint peels,
into curls, off old pine boards.
Consistent shadows, in their progression, pass through Cottonwoods, that urge me on, to sit on this bus bench, where paint peels, into curls, off old pine boards.
Now read that ^. How does it feel having to pause every two or three words? Does it interrupt the flow of the stanza? THIS exercise can teach you the benefits of NOT using too many commas. Let's take a second look:
Consistent shadows, in their progression, pass through Cottonwoods that urge me [s]on[/s] to sit on this bus bench, where paint peels into curls off old pine boards.
In the above we eliminated four commas and the repetitive word, on. Once you've grammatically corrected the stanza in sentence form, let's put it into poetic form:
Consistent shadows
[i]in their progression
pass through Cottonwoods
that urge me to sit
on this bus bench
where paint peels into curls
off old pine boards.[/i]
Two things thing I want you to note: firstly, is that a non-essential clause or phrase which would ordinarily be set apart by commas, in their progression, can be emphasized with italics instead; secondly, look at the enjambments—have they changed at all with these suggested revisions? No, because you have an excellent grasp of that technical aspect. You just need to slay the pervasive comma useage.
We'll be checking back to see how the exercise turns out, and are very excited for the results. You can repost here or in the Classic Corner discussion thread.
Val, again, you have an excellent intake on the essence of a poem, as well as solid imagery and a good grasp of enjambment. But your punctuation really needs work, as well as your repetition. Those are the only aspects which knocked you out of placement.
Thank you for braving Ai! We hope to see you back this month for Dove and Byron!
=====
Hi, Val. Firstly, this was a very unique take on Ai's Passage For Allen Ginsberg. Ai's contains the metaphor of riding a train to describe the life one could be living being passed by. The train ride only continues as long as desire to deviate from routine is suppressed. The rider can't be like a sunflower along the tracks reaching for potential, growing in the encouragement of the sun. She's adopted her mother's beliefs and remains discouraged by such.
Yours speaks of a man on a bus whose spirit has been deflated by his years of routine, while your narrator watches him from a bench remains optimistic. She's going places, not content to sit still, even though she is depicted as what is being passed by in a reverse sort of fashion. She is Ai's sunflower.
Your imagery and attention to detail is impeccable; you have a real gift of drawing the reader in to your landscape to experience your vision. It's a beautiful offering; however, there are several areas that could stand for improvement:
First, and most importantly is your over-use of commas. In poetry the end of each line holds a naturally brief pause; therefore, the use of a comma at the end of every line interrupts the flow of the reading, particularly when it occurs in the middle of a sentence.
Time stands to pause,
from the everyday,
the too familiar,
the knowing, of one's heartbeat.
As I explained to Eerie in regards to comma useage:
¯ What should not be comma'd is the following: 1) an independent clause that doesn't contain coordinate adjectives or conjunctions ( 'and', etc ); 2) an independent clause that doesn't begin with a subordinating conjunction ( 'Although', etc. ); 3) if there is no emphasis on contrast ( 'despite' etc. ); 4) if there is no condition ( 'If' etc. ). Those are the main points but there are others.
Again, a good rule of thumb to use when determining commas is the * sentence rule *. If you were to write out the first two lines at a sentence, does it follow comma rules? Your answer should be, No.
Time stands to pause from the everyday
Thus, in the above, no commas would be needed.
Secondly, repetition. You've used 'the' three times in four lines. Could you say these lines differently to eliminate a portion of the repetition? How about something this:
the too familiar,
the knowing, of one's heartbeat.
[ a ]too familiar knowing
of one's hearbeat
Thus, if you accept the recommendations, the stanza would read as such:
Time stands to pause
from the everyday—
a too familiar knowing
of one's heartbeat.
Do you see how streamlined it reads? I personally added the em dash because I substituted 'a' for 'the', which altered the dynamics of the structure.
We want you to take every stanza and put it into sentence structure as demonstrated below with your second stanza:
Consistent shadows,
in their progression,
pass through Cottonwoods,
that urge me on,
to sit on this bus bench,
where paint peels,
into curls, off old pine boards.
Consistent shadows, in their progression, pass through Cottonwoods, that urge me on, to sit on this bus bench, where paint peels, into curls, off old pine boards.
Now read that ^. How does it feel having to pause every two or three words? Does it interrupt the flow of the stanza? THIS exercise can teach you the benefits of NOT using too many commas. Let's take a second look:
Consistent shadows, in their progression, pass through Cottonwoods that urge me [s]on[/s] to sit on this bus bench, where paint peels into curls off old pine boards.
In the above we eliminated four commas and the repetitive word, on. Once you've grammatically corrected the stanza in sentence form, let's put it into poetic form:
Consistent shadows
[i]in their progression
pass through Cottonwoods
that urge me to sit
on this bus bench
where paint peels into curls
off old pine boards.[/i]
Two things thing I want you to note: firstly, is that a non-essential clause or phrase which would ordinarily be set apart by commas, in their progression, can be emphasized with italics instead; secondly, look at the enjambments—have they changed at all with these suggested revisions? No, because you have an excellent grasp of that technical aspect. You just need to slay the pervasive comma useage.
We'll be checking back to see how the exercise turns out, and are very excited for the results. You can repost here or in the Classic Corner discussion thread.
Val, again, you have an excellent intake on the essence of a poem, as well as solid imagery and a good grasp of enjambment. But your punctuation really needs work, as well as your repetition. Those are the only aspects which knocked you out of placement.
Thank you for braving Ai! We hope to see you back this month for Dove and Byron!
=====
slipalong: Salome
Hi, Slip. This is an excellent example of capturing the essence from an inspirational poem and making it your own. Your imagery is commanding, unique, and very impressive. Your vocabulary is also to be commended. We have seen such a REMARKABLE improvement from you over the last year in regards to all of the above; however, where you're really faltering is in the technical aspects.
For example, let's look at the first four lines:
White waterlilies, [ the ] pale beauty
decapitated, [ the ] heads [ seemed ] detached [s]from stem[/s]
hovering, floating like childhood wishes
and in reality; the darkness of the pond.
The imagery is excellent; however, you have some repetitive as well as unnecessary words. Firstly, because waterlillies is plural, we suggest using their pale beauty vs the. This would eliminate the repetitive word, 'the', used five times in five lines. Secondly, 'seems' is weak; you need a stronger word, such as 'appear', which would also add some nice consonance to the p sound of pale, decapitated, and pond. Also, 'from stem' is redundant, as decapitated infers they are detached from the stem. Lastly, your final line reads a bit awkward: 'and in reality' is a fragment; thus, the semicolon is misused. We understand what you're attempting to say; however, the way you've written it confuses the reader.
Let's try the following:
White waterlilies, their pale beauty
decapitated, the heads appear detached
hovering, floating like childhood wishes;
but, in reality are [the] darkness of a pond
anchoring self in wonderment.
Do you see the difference in how that reads now? It's clear and concise. There are no extra or repetitive words, nor punctuation interferring with the flow. Everything is in its place. The bracketed 'the' could be removed; however, also works as it is.
Mothers words, my life's book of commands
a woman's adolescent need[ , ] to be put to the sword
hot kisses dreamed, the rapid percussion
hard [ an ] stiff [ like ] starch, lay open the impenetrable fort.
You did great with your possessive on life's and woman's; what happened on Mother's? The first word of a sentence or stanza can set the tone in the reader's mind. Check check double-check! You have an incorrect use of the comma in L2. Watch those repetitions again; you used 'the' three times in four lines. If you combine that with the previous five, that's eight times in the first nine lines. We can do better than this ( we know you can ).
Also, watch for assonance and consoance opportunites in your vocabulary. For example, if you change dreamed to dreamt, you add to the t consonance already between adolescent, put, to, hot, stiff, starch, impenetrable, and fort. There is a lot of deliciousness in these lines, Slip; we just need to eradicate so much repetition, unnecessary punctuation, and smooth out the flow.
Mother's words, my life's book of commands
a woman's adolescent need[ , ] to be put to the sword—
hot kisses dreamt, a rapid percussion
hard, stiff as starch opening an impenetrable fort.
We want you to make a cup of tea; take your time when you have an hour or so, and comb through this again. Take note of your punctuation useage. Also make sure your caps and lower cases are consistent. You can post the revision here or in the Classic Corner discussion thread in the speakeasy forum when you're finished.
Slip, we are really impressed with your remarkable progress, especially in regards to your vocabulary and imagery; however, we feel you're slipping somewhat on punctuation and consistency. Let's slow down and get that in tune. A machine can't run smoothly without all the components it needs.
Thank you for braving Ai! We hope to see you back this month for Dove and Byron!
=====
Hi, Slip. This is an excellent example of capturing the essence from an inspirational poem and making it your own. Your imagery is commanding, unique, and very impressive. Your vocabulary is also to be commended. We have seen such a REMARKABLE improvement from you over the last year in regards to all of the above; however, where you're really faltering is in the technical aspects.
For example, let's look at the first four lines:
White waterlilies, [ the ] pale beauty
decapitated, [ the ] heads [ seemed ] detached [s]from stem[/s]
hovering, floating like childhood wishes
and in reality; the darkness of the pond.
The imagery is excellent; however, you have some repetitive as well as unnecessary words. Firstly, because waterlillies is plural, we suggest using their pale beauty vs the. This would eliminate the repetitive word, 'the', used five times in five lines. Secondly, 'seems' is weak; you need a stronger word, such as 'appear', which would also add some nice consonance to the p sound of pale, decapitated, and pond. Also, 'from stem' is redundant, as decapitated infers they are detached from the stem. Lastly, your final line reads a bit awkward: 'and in reality' is a fragment; thus, the semicolon is misused. We understand what you're attempting to say; however, the way you've written it confuses the reader.
Let's try the following:
White waterlilies, their pale beauty
decapitated, the heads appear detached
hovering, floating like childhood wishes;
but, in reality are [the] darkness of a pond
anchoring self in wonderment.
Do you see the difference in how that reads now? It's clear and concise. There are no extra or repetitive words, nor punctuation interferring with the flow. Everything is in its place. The bracketed 'the' could be removed; however, also works as it is.
Mothers words, my life's book of commands
a woman's adolescent need[ , ] to be put to the sword
hot kisses dreamed, the rapid percussion
hard [ an ] stiff [ like ] starch, lay open the impenetrable fort.
You did great with your possessive on life's and woman's; what happened on Mother's? The first word of a sentence or stanza can set the tone in the reader's mind. Check check double-check! You have an incorrect use of the comma in L2. Watch those repetitions again; you used 'the' three times in four lines. If you combine that with the previous five, that's eight times in the first nine lines. We can do better than this ( we know you can ).
Also, watch for assonance and consoance opportunites in your vocabulary. For example, if you change dreamed to dreamt, you add to the t consonance already between adolescent, put, to, hot, stiff, starch, impenetrable, and fort. There is a lot of deliciousness in these lines, Slip; we just need to eradicate so much repetition, unnecessary punctuation, and smooth out the flow.
Mother's words, my life's book of commands
a woman's adolescent need[ , ] to be put to the sword—
hot kisses dreamt, a rapid percussion
hard, stiff as starch opening an impenetrable fort.
We want you to make a cup of tea; take your time when you have an hour or so, and comb through this again. Take note of your punctuation useage. Also make sure your caps and lower cases are consistent. You can post the revision here or in the Classic Corner discussion thread in the speakeasy forum when you're finished.
Slip, we are really impressed with your remarkable progress, especially in regards to your vocabulary and imagery; however, we feel you're slipping somewhat on punctuation and consistency. Let's slow down and get that in tune. A machine can't run smoothly without all the components it needs.
Thank you for braving Ai! We hope to see you back this month for Dove and Byron!
=====
nomoth: The view of a deserted island
Hi, nomoth. The first thing we want to say is that this is a beautiful poem in and of itself. You've selected one of the most difficult of Ai's poems, The Killing Floor, which is from the perspective of Leon Trotsky undergoing nightmares of assassination attempts before actually being assassinated. It's a poem brimming with grisly premonitions and ensuing violence. The opening aspect of a river baptism is interesting because one of Trotsky's most famous quotes is: Religions are illogical primitive ignorance. There is nothing as ridiculous and tragic as a religious government. Perhaps Ai was defining the alienation of his beliefs with the contrasting action in the line: ninety-three million miles from myself.
Your essence encapsulates the death aspect of your inspirational choice, in that you've already been killed ( or perhaps are injured/dying ), from what can only be speculated as an attack of sorts described by the commotion in the background. Or perhaps your narrator awakens from a possibly nightmarish dream. Regardless, A lot of speculation is required by the reader to rationalize what is going.
In regards to technical aspects, there are a few things we could suggest:
The view of a deserted island
I awoke with a start [ , ]
a dozen or so people were peering down
at me in a very curious way.
The last thing [s]that [/s] I recalled [s][ ; ][/s]
[s]I [/s] was talking into my dictaphone,
repeating [ a ] conversation [s]I had[/s] with a shopkeeper.
In L1, your comma should be either a semi or em dash ( we suggest the latter ). '[T]hat' is not needed in L4, and we highly recommend removing the semicolon along with 'I' in L5 for a smoother transition between lines. 'I had' is unnecessary in L6 because it's implied by 'repeating a conversation'. Lastly, you've used 5 a's in this stanza. The first three aren't apparent; however, the final two being in the same line are. You can remove one by replacing it with 'my', which defines the conversation you had with a shopkeeper.
Taken into consideration, this stanza would read as such:
I awoke with a start—
a dozen or so people were peering down
at me in a very curious way.
The last thing I recalled
was talking into my dictaphone,
repeating my conversation with a shopkeeper.
Slowly as I lay there looking up
at everyone's expressions on their faces,
it grew on me that something very serious had just occurred.
In the background I heard distant noises
of panic and confusion.
Firstly, L1's syntax could use a bit of revision ( also see notes to Joe-D in regards to the correct useage of lay and lie ). Or you could use a comma after 'Slowly'. Which do you prefer?
Slowly, as I lie there looking up
or
As I lie there, slowly looking up
[s]Looking[/s] at an old man[ , ] I tried to ask [s]him[/s]
what [s]had[/s] happened[ ; ] but[ , ] [s]nothing but[/s] ( only a ) weeping,
stumbling cry escaped his mouth.
The repetition of looking and but is very noticeable in L2 & 3 due to proximity. You can get away with some repetition ( like the 4 a's in S1 ); however, too much too soon will appear you have no extensive vocabulary, and we are well aware of you're proclivity for the opposite. We suggest removing the second looking; it's not needed. A bit of substitution would also remove the second 'but'. [H]im is redundant as you've expressed you're looking at an old man; therefore, because you are, it's implied you are trying to ask him what happened.
Taking suggestions into account, your stanza would read as such:
As I lie there, slowly looking up
at an old man, I tried to ask
what happened ; but only a weeping,
stumbling cry escaped his mouth.
Notice how we've italicized your query as well as added appropriate punctuation in the form of a comma after man, and semi after your query.
I wanted to recall the last words
[i]that I had spoken into the dicataphone[ ; ]
but[ , ] all that I remembered were [s]the[/s] words
spoken [s]to me[/s] by the shopkeeper [ : ]
"...unadulterated by anything but silence and its directions"[ . ][/i]
This stanza contains mostly unnecessary words or implied phrases that we recommend you remove. It's also missing an endstop, which is inconsistent with your previous stanzas. If taken into consideration, your stanza would read as such:
I wanted to recall the last words
I had spoken into the dicataphone;
but, all I remembered were words
spoken by the shopkeeper:
"...unadulterated by anything but silence and its directions".
We also added a semi after dictaphone and colon after shopkeeper to signal a quote. We've also italicized the shopkeeper's quote.
I turned my head to [s]face[/s] the only person
who was not wearing such a solemn,
worried expression[ ; ]
a young boy [s]who instead[/s] with a glowing,
twinkle growing in his eyes, put a finger to his lips
and began to smile.
We only recommend a couple of revisions to the final stanza because we don't feel they're necessary. If taken into account, they would read as such:
I turned my head to the only person
who was not wearing such a solemn,
worried expression—
a young boy with a glowing twinkle
growing in his eyes, put a finger to his lips
and began to smile.
nomoth, your poem was beautiful in and of itself, despite technicalities; however, we felt between the amount of those technicalities combined with the ambiguity of your essence, it was a bit too much for placement this time around. Thus, we awarded third place to Uma ( who was tied with you ), being she captured more essence of her inspirational poem.
We do appreciate your support of the CCC's, and hope to see you back this month for Dove and Byron.
=====
Hi, nomoth. The first thing we want to say is that this is a beautiful poem in and of itself. You've selected one of the most difficult of Ai's poems, The Killing Floor, which is from the perspective of Leon Trotsky undergoing nightmares of assassination attempts before actually being assassinated. It's a poem brimming with grisly premonitions and ensuing violence. The opening aspect of a river baptism is interesting because one of Trotsky's most famous quotes is: Religions are illogical primitive ignorance. There is nothing as ridiculous and tragic as a religious government. Perhaps Ai was defining the alienation of his beliefs with the contrasting action in the line: ninety-three million miles from myself.
Your essence encapsulates the death aspect of your inspirational choice, in that you've already been killed ( or perhaps are injured/dying ), from what can only be speculated as an attack of sorts described by the commotion in the background. Or perhaps your narrator awakens from a possibly nightmarish dream. Regardless, A lot of speculation is required by the reader to rationalize what is going.
In regards to technical aspects, there are a few things we could suggest:
The view of a deserted island
I awoke with a start [ , ]
a dozen or so people were peering down
at me in a very curious way.
The last thing [s]that [/s] I recalled [s][ ; ][/s]
[s]I [/s] was talking into my dictaphone,
repeating [ a ] conversation [s]I had[/s] with a shopkeeper.
In L1, your comma should be either a semi or em dash ( we suggest the latter ). '[T]hat' is not needed in L4, and we highly recommend removing the semicolon along with 'I' in L5 for a smoother transition between lines. 'I had' is unnecessary in L6 because it's implied by 'repeating a conversation'. Lastly, you've used 5 a's in this stanza. The first three aren't apparent; however, the final two being in the same line are. You can remove one by replacing it with 'my', which defines the conversation you had with a shopkeeper.
Taken into consideration, this stanza would read as such:
I awoke with a start—
a dozen or so people were peering down
at me in a very curious way.
The last thing I recalled
was talking into my dictaphone,
repeating my conversation with a shopkeeper.
Slowly as I lay there looking up
at everyone's expressions on their faces,
it grew on me that something very serious had just occurred.
In the background I heard distant noises
of panic and confusion.
Firstly, L1's syntax could use a bit of revision ( also see notes to Joe-D in regards to the correct useage of lay and lie ). Or you could use a comma after 'Slowly'. Which do you prefer?
Slowly, as I lie there looking up
or
As I lie there, slowly looking up
[s]Looking[/s] at an old man[ , ] I tried to ask [s]him[/s]
what [s]had[/s] happened[ ; ] but[ , ] [s]nothing but[/s] ( only a ) weeping,
stumbling cry escaped his mouth.
The repetition of looking and but is very noticeable in L2 & 3 due to proximity. You can get away with some repetition ( like the 4 a's in S1 ); however, too much too soon will appear you have no extensive vocabulary, and we are well aware of you're proclivity for the opposite. We suggest removing the second looking; it's not needed. A bit of substitution would also remove the second 'but'. [H]im is redundant as you've expressed you're looking at an old man; therefore, because you are, it's implied you are trying to ask him what happened.
Taking suggestions into account, your stanza would read as such:
As I lie there, slowly looking up
at an old man, I tried to ask
what happened ; but only a weeping,
stumbling cry escaped his mouth.
Notice how we've italicized your query as well as added appropriate punctuation in the form of a comma after man, and semi after your query.
I wanted to recall the last words
[i]that I had spoken into the dicataphone[ ; ]
but[ , ] all that I remembered were [s]the[/s] words
spoken [s]to me[/s] by the shopkeeper [ : ]
"...unadulterated by anything but silence and its directions"[ . ][/i]
This stanza contains mostly unnecessary words or implied phrases that we recommend you remove. It's also missing an endstop, which is inconsistent with your previous stanzas. If taken into consideration, your stanza would read as such:
I wanted to recall the last words
I had spoken into the dicataphone;
but, all I remembered were words
spoken by the shopkeeper:
"...unadulterated by anything but silence and its directions".
We also added a semi after dictaphone and colon after shopkeeper to signal a quote. We've also italicized the shopkeeper's quote.
I turned my head to [s]face[/s] the only person
who was not wearing such a solemn,
worried expression[ ; ]
a young boy [s]who instead[/s] with a glowing,
twinkle growing in his eyes, put a finger to his lips
and began to smile.
We only recommend a couple of revisions to the final stanza because we don't feel they're necessary. If taken into account, they would read as such:
I turned my head to the only person
who was not wearing such a solemn,
worried expression—
a young boy with a glowing twinkle
growing in his eyes, put a finger to his lips
and began to smile.
nomoth, your poem was beautiful in and of itself, despite technicalities; however, we felt between the amount of those technicalities combined with the ambiguity of your essence, it was a bit too much for placement this time around. Thus, we awarded third place to Uma ( who was tied with you ), being she captured more essence of her inspirational poem.
We do appreciate your support of the CCC's, and hope to see you back this month for Dove and Byron.
=====
summultima (uma): The Dawn
Uma, your entry is about one person expressing disapproval of another person who has sucked the life out of a relationship. Also, if we are interpreting correctly, the sexual component of the relationship involved the other being innedbriated. While you nailed the aspect of one feeling / being disregarded, there is a further dynamic of culpability present in Ai's poem to explore.
"Disregard" by Ai expresses a narrator's longing for physical contact bordering on the sexual. This is reinforced by her husband's lack of interest in her. She has resigned to his overall disregard of her existence, favoring her bodily thirst being quenched above anything else. Thus, she perpuates the cycle by her own disregard of everything else she is feeling. All of this is reinforced by the symbolism of "imagined heat" and rock salt in relationship to a bag of ice she is bringing home. By day's end, she's beyond weather warmed, like the melted ice cream mentioned.
now that you are gone…
[ dot ]..may I for once unfossiliferously
rewind unto those dungeons/
of doggoned hollows
This expression captures your signature command on vocabulary as well as unique imagery. Watch your consistency in regards to punctuation; in this case, the second elipses is missing a dot. It may seem insignificant, but when critiquing it stands out. Also, we would recommend a break after dungeons to create a stronger enjambment between L3/4.
...[space]all that has but sacrilegiously been[—]
the lifeline currency[ , ] coinage that you count
upon dearly in its clattering ~ clink clank
corroboree of haphazard(ous)[ , ] materialistic
maniacal gluttonies until endless nights [s]those[/s]
( which ) never ripen[s]s[/s]to the dawns of a simple touch...
Another demonstration of excelled vocabulary combined with ethereal imagery. Again, watch the consistency of your punctuation, in this case, spaces. Inconsistencies like these tend to jump right off the page ( though they are considered very minor in the critiquing process ). We strongly recommend an em dash after been to emphasise L2.
Because you have three consecutive nouns ( lifeline, currency, and coinage ), we strongly recommend a comma after currency. Typically you wouldn't separate two nouns that appear together as a compound subject or object, i.e. - currency coinage; however, because you've preceded them with an additional noun that implies the type of currency, then separating them would be apt in this instance ).
Please read our comment to Eerie regarding comma useage between two
coordinate adjectives that can be flipped as well as joined by and. We've recommended a comma between haphazard(ous) and materialistic because the rule is applicable.
We strongly recommend relocating those to the next line, as it detracts from the imagery. Relocating creates a very strong enjambment.
[/i]those never ripen[s]s[/s]to the dawns of a simple touch... [/i]
Lastly, ripens should be singular because those is plural.
if not to the core of l o v e, awaiting/
in gracious bridal [ vanity ]
to be at the least gazed[ , ] momentarily[ — ]
if not dig deep to be pound[ed] ~ hard
deconstructs in all the viciously[-]viscous[ , ] slippery bogs/
you easily slip me in your seemingly naļve web/
of a vincible ignorance you smother
airtight in an indecipherable
cold-(s)mug silence…
l o v e is a perfect example of how to create emphasis with space. The above verse ( as well as the following ) are so thick in language that the reader can feel overwhelmed attempting to decipher its meaning. We are providing you with suggestions as contrast by which you can see opportunities to manage thick stanzas. The shorter the lines, the less "out of breath" mentally the reader will be in trying to keep up. Pease understand, this is not an attempt to rewrite your poem, nor be dismissive of your personal stylings. On the contrary, it's to assist the reader's comprehension, as well as not wanting to overwhelm you with grammatic technicalities.
many draining nights of cruel quick desertion
you insipidly empty me as feudal leeches.. delibly
sealing as if kiss~ like marks of only stinky dirt
writhing plaques & a melodramatic frothy moist~
dearth of a salival bug coldness in its allegorical
lingering allergically still~ remnant toxicities… that
[ Many draining nights of cruel, quick desertion
you insipidly emptied me as if feudal leeches
delibly sealing with kiss~like marks
of stinky, dirt-writhing plaques and melodramas—
frothy, moist~dearth, salival~bug coldness
in all its allegorical lingerings
of allergically still~remnant toxicities. ]
by my hallowed soul~ flame sublimities, a destiny,
break off to brittle blown off bonelessly evaporating
nontraceable nothingness, an antidotally nature’s
saving blissful grace..
that just expels your blind night’s vile greenery
of roaring slavish breweries’ slapping concoctions....
out of my fragrant bouquet’s throbbing pure
chalice holding decoctions of a red~ rosaceous
heart, now in an evermore fuller fluorescence
crop~ bloom of a blood fill~ thickening arterial
[ My hallowed soul~flame sublimities
became destiny's nontraceable nothingness, broken off
into a brittle~blown, boneless evaporation—
antidotally nature’s saving blissful grace
expelling your blind night’s vile greenery
of roaring, slavish breweries’ slapping concoctions
from my fragrant bouquet’s throbbing, pure chalice
holding decoctions of a red~rosaceous heart
in an evermore fuller, fluorescent crop~bloom
of a blood~fill thickening, arterial succulence. ]
succulence…. & thus, this in exuberance, the
self-Pollock’s pain-(s)peaking streaks of my
vermilion verses splattering a free new dawn
[ And in exuberance, the self-Pollock’s pain-(s)peaking
streaks of my vermilion verses splatter
a free, new dawn ]
Uma you are one of DU's most prolific writers, who should be getting much more views and many more RL's than you currently receive ( regardless if that is your intent or not ). You do a remarkable job, being English is not your first language! Your command of vocabulary alone are mind-boggling and exceed many whose native tongue is English. It's because your poems are very thick and dense in imagery and metaphor that many readers feel overwhelmed and lost in the meaning.
Because you did capture the essence of being 'Disregarded' by one's object of affection, you nudged nomoth out of third place. Congrtulations on placing Third!
We hope to see you back for this month's CCC featuring Dove and Byron!
Uma, your entry is about one person expressing disapproval of another person who has sucked the life out of a relationship. Also, if we are interpreting correctly, the sexual component of the relationship involved the other being innedbriated. While you nailed the aspect of one feeling / being disregarded, there is a further dynamic of culpability present in Ai's poem to explore.
"Disregard" by Ai expresses a narrator's longing for physical contact bordering on the sexual. This is reinforced by her husband's lack of interest in her. She has resigned to his overall disregard of her existence, favoring her bodily thirst being quenched above anything else. Thus, she perpuates the cycle by her own disregard of everything else she is feeling. All of this is reinforced by the symbolism of "imagined heat" and rock salt in relationship to a bag of ice she is bringing home. By day's end, she's beyond weather warmed, like the melted ice cream mentioned.
now that you are gone…
[ dot ]..may I for once unfossiliferously
rewind unto those dungeons/
of doggoned hollows
This expression captures your signature command on vocabulary as well as unique imagery. Watch your consistency in regards to punctuation; in this case, the second elipses is missing a dot. It may seem insignificant, but when critiquing it stands out. Also, we would recommend a break after dungeons to create a stronger enjambment between L3/4.
...[space]all that has but sacrilegiously been[—]
the lifeline currency[ , ] coinage that you count
upon dearly in its clattering ~ clink clank
corroboree of haphazard(ous)[ , ] materialistic
maniacal gluttonies until endless nights [s]those[/s]
( which ) never ripen[s]s[/s]to the dawns of a simple touch...
Another demonstration of excelled vocabulary combined with ethereal imagery. Again, watch the consistency of your punctuation, in this case, spaces. Inconsistencies like these tend to jump right off the page ( though they are considered very minor in the critiquing process ). We strongly recommend an em dash after been to emphasise L2.
Because you have three consecutive nouns ( lifeline, currency, and coinage ), we strongly recommend a comma after currency. Typically you wouldn't separate two nouns that appear together as a compound subject or object, i.e. - currency coinage; however, because you've preceded them with an additional noun that implies the type of currency, then separating them would be apt in this instance ).
Please read our comment to Eerie regarding comma useage between two
coordinate adjectives that can be flipped as well as joined by and. We've recommended a comma between haphazard(ous) and materialistic because the rule is applicable.
We strongly recommend relocating those to the next line, as it detracts from the imagery. Relocating creates a very strong enjambment.
[/i]those never ripen[s]s[/s]to the dawns of a simple touch... [/i]
Lastly, ripens should be singular because those is plural.
if not to the core of l o v e, awaiting/
in gracious bridal [ vanity ]
to be at the least gazed[ , ] momentarily[ — ]
if not dig deep to be pound[ed] ~ hard
deconstructs in all the viciously[-]viscous[ , ] slippery bogs/
you easily slip me in your seemingly naļve web/
of a vincible ignorance you smother
airtight in an indecipherable
cold-(s)mug silence…
l o v e is a perfect example of how to create emphasis with space. The above verse ( as well as the following ) are so thick in language that the reader can feel overwhelmed attempting to decipher its meaning. We are providing you with suggestions as contrast by which you can see opportunities to manage thick stanzas. The shorter the lines, the less "out of breath" mentally the reader will be in trying to keep up. Pease understand, this is not an attempt to rewrite your poem, nor be dismissive of your personal stylings. On the contrary, it's to assist the reader's comprehension, as well as not wanting to overwhelm you with grammatic technicalities.
many draining nights of cruel quick desertion
you insipidly empty me as feudal leeches.. delibly
sealing as if kiss~ like marks of only stinky dirt
writhing plaques & a melodramatic frothy moist~
dearth of a salival bug coldness in its allegorical
lingering allergically still~ remnant toxicities… that
[ Many draining nights of cruel, quick desertion
you insipidly emptied me as if feudal leeches
delibly sealing with kiss~like marks
of stinky, dirt-writhing plaques and melodramas—
frothy, moist~dearth, salival~bug coldness
in all its allegorical lingerings
of allergically still~remnant toxicities. ]
by my hallowed soul~ flame sublimities, a destiny,
break off to brittle blown off bonelessly evaporating
nontraceable nothingness, an antidotally nature’s
saving blissful grace..
that just expels your blind night’s vile greenery
of roaring slavish breweries’ slapping concoctions....
out of my fragrant bouquet’s throbbing pure
chalice holding decoctions of a red~ rosaceous
heart, now in an evermore fuller fluorescence
crop~ bloom of a blood fill~ thickening arterial
[ My hallowed soul~flame sublimities
became destiny's nontraceable nothingness, broken off
into a brittle~blown, boneless evaporation—
antidotally nature’s saving blissful grace
expelling your blind night’s vile greenery
of roaring, slavish breweries’ slapping concoctions
from my fragrant bouquet’s throbbing, pure chalice
holding decoctions of a red~rosaceous heart
in an evermore fuller, fluorescent crop~bloom
of a blood~fill thickening, arterial succulence. ]
succulence…. & thus, this in exuberance, the
self-Pollock’s pain-(s)peaking streaks of my
vermilion verses splattering a free new dawn
[ And in exuberance, the self-Pollock’s pain-(s)peaking
streaks of my vermilion verses splatter
a free, new dawn ]
Uma you are one of DU's most prolific writers, who should be getting much more views and many more RL's than you currently receive ( regardless if that is your intent or not ). You do a remarkable job, being English is not your first language! Your command of vocabulary alone are mind-boggling and exceed many whose native tongue is English. It's because your poems are very thick and dense in imagery and metaphor that many readers feel overwhelmed and lost in the meaning.
Because you did capture the essence of being 'Disregarded' by one's object of affection, you nudged nomoth out of third place. Congrtulations on placing Third!
We hope to see you back for this month's CCC featuring Dove and Byron!
You're very welcome, Eerie. Thank you for your patience. This was a tough month with everything going on in the world right now. I'm glad we can contribute in some small way to your enormous talent. You've come out of the gate full speed ahead on these competitions, and we're thrilled to see how vastly you're improving.
Uma placed third, but it looks like she's left the building. With all this taxing energy swirling about the globe, I don't blame anyone for disappearing to recoup.
Uma placed third, but it looks like she's left the building. With all this taxing energy swirling about the globe, I don't blame anyone for disappearing to recoup.
Very big congrats to Poetsrevenge for the win. Again such a thoughtful utterly outstanding piece of writing. And a very big bravo to Eerie who just killed it with your piece. It is so inspiring to read your work.
Thank you so so much Ahavati for the critique, apart from one question I absolutely can see the major improvements you suggest. I really wanted to write s something in a fresher style for me and with your critique I will attempt this again with such a better understanding. Truly a class's lesson worth learning. so thank you again.
The question is this....as I was writing in the past tense, is not the past tense of to lie down, to 'lay' down? I saw this at grammerly.com ...https://www.grammarly.com/blog/lay-lie/
"There’s still one more thing you need to know. When you are talking about reclining, the past tense of lie is lay! Here’s an example.
Yesterday, he lay down to sleep at ten o’clock. Tonight, he won’t lie down until midnight."
I do get this confused often and you have noticed my use of lie/lay in one of my other poems. Pls correct me if I am wrong or confused with this. Is this an English/US thing maybe?
Again well done to all the entries just to attempt these challenges is so worthwhile.
Thank you so so much Ahavati for the critique, apart from one question I absolutely can see the major improvements you suggest. I really wanted to write s something in a fresher style for me and with your critique I will attempt this again with such a better understanding. Truly a class's lesson worth learning. so thank you again.
The question is this....as I was writing in the past tense, is not the past tense of to lie down, to 'lay' down? I saw this at grammerly.com ...https://www.grammarly.com/blog/lay-lie/
"There’s still one more thing you need to know. When you are talking about reclining, the past tense of lie is lay! Here’s an example.
Yesterday, he lay down to sleep at ten o’clock. Tonight, he won’t lie down until midnight."
I do get this confused often and you have noticed my use of lie/lay in one of my other poems. Pls correct me if I am wrong or confused with this. Is this an English/US thing maybe?
Again well done to all the entries just to attempt these challenges is so worthwhile.
