deepundergroundpoetry.com
Currently untitled [Part one]
Rain falls heavily on the buildings surrounding me
I leave the lights off, gazing at the large canvas of city lights
It's night, but in a city that never sleeps, shadows run deep
Only within them is where you'll find true darkness
The sound is mesmerizing, splashing off the fire escape
Coating my windows with thousands of dazzling jewels
I lean against my wall, veiled in shadow
Watching the busy streets below me, filled with people up late
My gaze flickers to the soft digital glow of 1:13 am on my wrist
Nearly time to go, I push myself away from the wall
Pulling a charcoal grey long-sleeved shirt then grabbing worn boots
I lace them up in the dark to the sound of the rain and traffic
I put on my jacket, old but still warm, some form of cheap leather
Last thing I do before I leave is grab my gun
matte black, perfect for blending obscurely into the foggy night
and a long serrated combat knife, in the same muted shade
The grimy yellowed lights flicker in the stairwell as I walk down
Making sure my weapons are concealed in my jacket
I make it to the streets, slipping out into the sea of people
rain pelting me and soaking my dark hair
The buildings are countless, towering above me
A daunting maze to any newcomers to the city
But I know my way around these parts well,
Especially those poorly lit alleys that most people avoid
I veer off into one, atramentous and foreboding
And take a moment under an overhanging to pull out a small piece of paper
In the faint lighting I squint to see the address
Back into the icy rain I go, seven blocks east, two north
I reach it, thoroughly soaked now, but a cab wasn't worth a couple blocks
I enter my destination, a dimly lit bar in a shady part of town
This was a new one, the old one getting too conspicuous
Seeing my contact, I walk over and seat myself across him in a unlit booth
He had his hood up, as always, a small man with a nervous tick
I guess in this line of work he had a right to be paranoid
"I have a job for you." he says in a hushed tone,
"No shit." I say impatiently, but relax into my booth, open for business
His small eyes sparkle under his hood as he looks around
his hand reaches into his bag beside him and he pulls out a picture
I take it as he hands it to me, studying the woman's face on it
Soft features, liquid dark brown eyes and red hair
He gives me some details; name, current location, and pay
But never a reason, I was never meant to be judge, just executioner
With that I nod, get up from the booth and head back into the night
I walk two blocks to a main street, and take a cab to my target's position
I leave the lights off, gazing at the large canvas of city lights
It's night, but in a city that never sleeps, shadows run deep
Only within them is where you'll find true darkness
The sound is mesmerizing, splashing off the fire escape
Coating my windows with thousands of dazzling jewels
I lean against my wall, veiled in shadow
Watching the busy streets below me, filled with people up late
My gaze flickers to the soft digital glow of 1:13 am on my wrist
Nearly time to go, I push myself away from the wall
Pulling a charcoal grey long-sleeved shirt then grabbing worn boots
I lace them up in the dark to the sound of the rain and traffic
I put on my jacket, old but still warm, some form of cheap leather
Last thing I do before I leave is grab my gun
matte black, perfect for blending obscurely into the foggy night
and a long serrated combat knife, in the same muted shade
The grimy yellowed lights flicker in the stairwell as I walk down
Making sure my weapons are concealed in my jacket
I make it to the streets, slipping out into the sea of people
rain pelting me and soaking my dark hair
The buildings are countless, towering above me
A daunting maze to any newcomers to the city
But I know my way around these parts well,
Especially those poorly lit alleys that most people avoid
I veer off into one, atramentous and foreboding
And take a moment under an overhanging to pull out a small piece of paper
In the faint lighting I squint to see the address
Back into the icy rain I go, seven blocks east, two north
I reach it, thoroughly soaked now, but a cab wasn't worth a couple blocks
I enter my destination, a dimly lit bar in a shady part of town
This was a new one, the old one getting too conspicuous
Seeing my contact, I walk over and seat myself across him in a unlit booth
He had his hood up, as always, a small man with a nervous tick
I guess in this line of work he had a right to be paranoid
"I have a job for you." he says in a hushed tone,
"No shit." I say impatiently, but relax into my booth, open for business
His small eyes sparkle under his hood as he looks around
his hand reaches into his bag beside him and he pulls out a picture
I take it as he hands it to me, studying the woman's face on it
Soft features, liquid dark brown eyes and red hair
He gives me some details; name, current location, and pay
But never a reason, I was never meant to be judge, just executioner
With that I nod, get up from the booth and head back into the night
I walk two blocks to a main street, and take a cab to my target's position
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 22
reading list entries 5
comments 38
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The author encourages honest critique.
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 00:26am
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 00:36am
Yes please continue! I like this a lot. It's so subtly dark until the end, and I have a feeling part two will be much darker. Love the imagery in this one. Masterful. :)
1
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 00:44am
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 00:52am
I would love it if you choose to continue with this one. The build up is outstanding as well as the image due to your amazing knack for story telling. Your extensive vocabulary never ceases to amaze me.
"He gives me some details; name, current location, and pay
But never a reason, I was never meant to be judge, just executioner
With that I nod, get up from the booth and head back into the night
I walk two blocks to a main street, and take a cab to my target's position"
This ending stanza has me dying to know what happens next. Fantastic job hun, I thoroughly enjoyed it from the first line on.
"He gives me some details; name, current location, and pay
But never a reason, I was never meant to be judge, just executioner
With that I nod, get up from the booth and head back into the night
I walk two blocks to a main street, and take a cab to my target's position"
This ending stanza has me dying to know what happens next. Fantastic job hun, I thoroughly enjoyed it from the first line on.
1
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 2:09am
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it so much :) I'll let you know when Part two is out. ;)
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 1:00am
amazing......i am awe struck by all the imagery that bombarded me at all times yes it would be such a waste to not hear the rest of this story
1
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 2:09am
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 1:46am
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 2:10am
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 2:06am
Keep that going. You reminded me of someone we both know well ;p Reading this outta make me the first-person narrator's partner-in-crime or something haha.
1
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 2:11am
Haha, your too hilarious, thanks for reading it, you and Gigi can both be partners, haha
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 11:24am
I really enjoyed the structure you use in this prose and the imagery was positively above and beyond.
'Only within them is where you'll ever find true darkness'
This line felt a bit off kilter and might benefit from being revised, IMO.
Still Yours,
Duncan
'Only within them is where you'll ever find true darkness'
This line felt a bit off kilter and might benefit from being revised, IMO.
Still Yours,
Duncan
1
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 7:37pm
Thanks Duncan for your gracious comments :) I'll see what can do about that line, it's giving me trouble.
Redundantly yours,
AlwaysCaliban
^ hahaha
Redundantly yours,
AlwaysCaliban
^ hahaha
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 5:17pm
Wow fantastic poem, i really like the way you use the city and bulidings as characters im a big fan of writers who do that.
amazing work and i look forward to part 2
cheers
zenith
amazing work and i look forward to part 2
cheers
zenith
1
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
4th Oct 2012 7:38pm
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
5th Oct 2012 7:03pm
Of course, continue! Suspense is killing us.
*Tapping foot impatiently..
(Like it, obviously)
*Tapping foot impatiently..
(Like it, obviously)
1
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
6th Oct 2012 6:16pm
You use language with incredible ability. You especialy have a gift for metaphor. Thank you for sharing this with me.
1
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
6th Oct 2012 10:57pm
Annie, You are such a wonderful writer! I mean the details of your story telling was brilliant!Im waiting on your novel! :-)
1
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
6th Oct 2012 11:51pm
Hey you! xoxoxo
Thanks for your gracious comment. It wasn't meant to be a novel, but then when i reread it I was like "Hmmm, this could go somewhere."
Hope to see your pretty face here more often. Mush love,
Caliban
Thanks for your gracious comment. It wasn't meant to be a novel, but then when i reread it I was like "Hmmm, this could go somewhere."
Hope to see your pretty face here more often. Mush love,
Caliban
re: re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
7th Oct 2012 4:56am
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
7th Oct 2012 1:48am
Miss T
Interesting story, a snapshot if you will easily followed up with more, just as easily left to the imagination.
couple of words seemed like they stuck out for me.
Rain falls heavily, not much I know but I think in the voice of the narrator , a simple heavy would work better.
"my gaze 'flickered' to.." didn't work for me. I think with your vast pool of vocab you'll easily come up with a better word.
some nice subtle rhyme in there that could almost be accidental such is their comfort fitting.
not an easy thing to pull off, I think you done it well enough to be proud of.
suggestions for names:
District nine
Three times a killer
Lights camera action
that is all.
good stuff :)
Interesting story, a snapshot if you will easily followed up with more, just as easily left to the imagination.
couple of words seemed like they stuck out for me.
Rain falls heavily, not much I know but I think in the voice of the narrator , a simple heavy would work better.
"my gaze 'flickered' to.." didn't work for me. I think with your vast pool of vocab you'll easily come up with a better word.
some nice subtle rhyme in there that could almost be accidental such is their comfort fitting.
not an easy thing to pull off, I think you done it well enough to be proud of.
suggestions for names:
District nine
Three times a killer
Lights camera action
that is all.
good stuff :)
1
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
7th Oct 2012 4:05am
Thank you for your feed back, it's always good to see some constructive advice.
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
Anonymous
7th Oct 2012 9:44am
Fascinating!! You may have already come to this conclusion but you as well as I, are growing and evolving with every published poem of yours, not only is your newest poem wonderfully structured and thought out, I can tell you've put some serious work into it.
And the name of your poem adds to this "Currently Untitled", may I suggest, to compliment the inability to properly title this, you honour that with the title. That may bring you some satisfaction.
Forgive me for the lack of haste in my replies, as i've been beaten and broken, but i'm steadfast in recovery :)
Well done, AlwaysCaliban, you never cease too amaze me with your poetic ability.
And the name of your poem adds to this "Currently Untitled", may I suggest, to compliment the inability to properly title this, you honour that with the title. That may bring you some satisfaction.
Forgive me for the lack of haste in my replies, as i've been beaten and broken, but i'm steadfast in recovery :)
Well done, AlwaysCaliban, you never cease too amaze me with your poetic ability.
1
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
7th Oct 2012 11:24pm
Aw, thank you. Your comments are always well-received. I store them away in my heart and draw on them whenever I need inspiration and a pick me up.
Much adoration,
AlwaysCaliban
Much adoration,
AlwaysCaliban
re: re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
Anonymous
9th Oct 2012 8:21am
You're more than welcome! Right back at you, haha.
0
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
8th Oct 2012 00:06am
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
8th Oct 2012 00:08am
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
9th Oct 2012 00:03am
Where's the rest of it damn you!!! ;P Very good. Sucks you right in. Just wish that it hadn't ended so abruptly. :)
1
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
9th Oct 2012 00:06am
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
10th Oct 2012 2:20am
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
12th Oct 2012 00:38am
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
24th Oct 2012 8:27am
Please continue. You have a talent for storytelling, young lady. Have you ever considered crossing over from writing verse to writing prose?
1
re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
Thank you so much for the comment.
I have considered as much, I've always wanted to be a writer, though fear that I might lack the dedication. I still need to write Part 2. haha
I have considered as much, I've always wanted to be a writer, though fear that I might lack the dedication. I still need to write Part 2. haha
re: re: Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
24th Oct 2012 8:46am
Nonsense. You are a writer. It sounds to me like the dedication is what requires some consideration. I eagerly await Part 2.
Holly
Holly
1
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
26th Oct 2012 5:10pm
Life will keep going around us, even if it seems we are stuck. I really liked this ! If you have time, check out my poems !
1
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
13th Dec 2012 6:19am
Re: Currently untitled [Part one]
13th Feb 2013 4:33am
wow, this is a great read! well done. ive always admired your powers of description.
0