Freedom

What a release for freedom!

Well done Rachel....

Strider

Thanks Strider. I appreciate you.

Great story and write Rachel. I think you could write a gripping fictional novel based around reality, you are so good at these.

That's an awesome compliment Magdalena. Thank you. I think it still needs some work, but I'm getting there. :)

This is excellent.
Gripping from the beginning to the end.

Thanks Kitty. I appreciate that!

rachel

straight to business

'twenty years together
I never once met her mother [not once i met her mother]
she despised our love for each other [for each other is redundant IMO]
said we’d both go to hell

we didn’t care, we were happy  
we didn’t need anyone else [ too many 'we's . feel it could be altered.]
she was my everything

and I was hers [these two lines could be tweaked a bit IMO.]

it was a Friday night
the night before Italy

she was on her way home
there was a drunk driver
like a tornado he weaved [in this context, 'weave one's way' should be used.
otherwise 'weave' would mean 'knit.' hence you might add 'his way']
searching for his victim

he found her

tubes came from every opening [loved this transition. cinematic jump cut. 'came from'
could be tweaked to be more visceral. e.g-'tubes came in thru']
extra ones were created [ 'extra ones' can be altered. e.g- others]

kept alive only by electricity
a wish she demanded against [theoretically a bit unclear. if one is kept alive on life support
or by the use of electricity, how can she express her wish. just me.]  

I met her mother that day

she was the next of kin
the one who could decide
my love’s wishes [ loved the weight in this stanza.]

twenty years together
and I had no say
for we were not married
we were not allowed
the law said so  [and it is carried forward, well enough]

her mother’s own guilt
kept those machines running
I pleaded for months with her [ a little unclear in meaning. did the narrator plead to spend
months with the comatose lover? ]

she stopped letting me see her
another decision she was allowed to make
now my love was alone
I had to do something  [ DRAMA. beautiful.]

a week passed
I studied the hospital
it was busier in the day than the night
no one would have time to notice strangers

I bought a nurses uniform
walked past her mother in the waiting room
walked past the empty nurses station [apostrophe needed]
walked into my loves room [apostrophe needed again]
and thanked her [and can be removed. 'thanked her' should stand on its own.
importance of the action]

I thanked her for the life we had together
for the memories she gave me [ 'she had given me']
the strength she helped me find ['had helped me find']

I kissed her forehead
squeezed her hand

unplugged her machines
and muted the alarms [remove the and. singularity of the action makes me more potent]

I walked out of the room
past the empty nurses station [apostrophe]
past her mother in the waiting room

and into the freedom of knowing

I had just freed my love.' [ smooth. clinical ending.]

a very powerful write, rachel. you have used your expertize well in this poem. loved the balance
inherent in the poem. all the suggestions JMHO. thanks for the read. happy writing,

sumeet

Thank you Summet. I agree with a lot of what you said, the second time I read it ;)

One thing to clarify:

kept alive only by electricity
a wish she demanded against [theoretically a bit unclear. if one is kept alive on life support
or by the use of electricity, how can she express her wish. just me.]  

If you are wise, when you plan to spend your life with someone, it is very important to make known your wishes regarding life support. These two women have been together for 20 years, and it's likely they spoke about their wishes to one another.
Perhaps demanded is too strong of a word here. Maybe it sounds too "in the now" rather than something that was expressed in the past? I will try to think on that for a bit.

As always, I look forward to your feed back and appreciate it fully.

Thanks again. :)

XxX

rachel

now i get the idea, but still not fully
sure as a reader [first time, always a
first time reader that is]

'demanded' indeed is strong. it carries
a certain scale of unreal awareness along
with it. as if she KNEW she would be at this
point. though i welcome that depth you have
shown. as a man, i can't think of sharing
my thoughts on such issues with my love.
means i still need to grow up a lot.
thank you for that. about 'demanded',
yes a tweak will make it better.

will wait to see the 2.0. and you warm
my heart with edits. no surprises there.

good job again, rachel.

x

sumeet

I appreciate your question there, and I hope I was able to make it more clear now with the changes.

I don't want to lecture, but if you have wishes, I recommend you make them known, somehow. Either in writing somewhere, or to a loved one.
It is the one time I think it is important to discuss the "just in case".

I have seen too many times, someone not express their wishes, and families fighting over what to do.

As always, I thank you.

XxX

Wow Rachel, sadly beautiful this piece is :)
You have penned this tear jerker well...in awww of your ability...I love your work

Milkyway, thank you for that. I always love when someone say's "wow".

I am so glad you stopped by and left such kind words.
Much appreciated. :)

XxX

Not just kind words... you are a screen writer as you craft personalities and a sense beyond cardboard, trite emotions.  Reminds me of Meryl Streep in acting.

Ahh, Meryl Streep should smack you. I however, thank you. What a compliment. Geez.

I am so glad you stopped by. Such kind words. :)

I like that the poem's main theme is freedom rather than sorrow. It shines a whole new light on the poem.
Not much to interpret but again, it's more of a story and I think it's better off that way rather than it being all artsy fartsy and poetic.
Nice work :)

I am glad you said that. I was concerned at the lack of poetic words, and when I tried to add some, they stuck our sorely. I keep forgetting that it is in the category of "story poem" and it is okay if it doesn't have all the fancy words. :)

I am so glad you stopped by to leave your kind feed back, it means a lot to me. :)

Love this. Such a great story here. A captivating read, excellent job.

Thank you a ton WoundedHeart. So grateful you stopped by :)

You write so well in these competitions.  Fitting too since you are in healthcare.  

I will say it once again, you are such an inspiration.

Cheers my friend.

Aww Kym, you are always so kind :)
I appreciate your presence so much.
Thank you for stopping by

XxXxX

Rachel,
first! let me say I love this! such an expression of unconditional love and secondarily an apt comment on the same sex marriage argument.

I agree with much of Sumeet's critique as to word placement, ie. [not once i met her mother], [ 'she had given me'].

I understood the thought
"kept alive only by electricity          
a wish she expressed against  
in the past" but felt it might be clearer initially, if you'd noted 'she'd' or 'she had'. IMHO. This would have also cleared up the thought
"her mother’s own guilt          
kept those machines running          
I pleaded for months with her"..again IMHO.

Overall, a lovely write and I vehemently agree with your suggestion to make things clear with loved ones in the NOW! A thought I preach to all who'll listen    
       

HAD!

Perfect! Such a small word to fix everything. Thank you for that :)

I am very appreciative of you stopping by and saying such nice things.

I preach it too when I can :D

Wow Rachel great write perfect title too!

Thank you meme. I am so glad you stopped by. It's been awhile. Great pic!!!