if it feels like...

I read a poem
by one of my favourite poets

Home

It made me think of you
it made me want to cry
it reminded me of all the
wrongness
in my life
and how there is nothing
I can do to make it right

I have never
and will never
feel like I'm enough
because I never have been
for anyone that's
claimed to love me

I am always the wrong thing
and you can't tell me otherwise
when your actions have neon lights
and your words have lost their voice
in this limbo of certain uncertainty

Your pain feels like
and has always felt like home
you laughter breaks my tower walls
your mind is a fucking wonder
and when you're around
nothing has ever felt more real
but it's your absence
your silence
that I know best of all

Like the shadow of a familiar breath
I know where you are
and I know where you're not

You're not here
you've never really been here
you just like to keep a hand in
hold me up to the light
and tell your other lovers
"be like this"
when you don't understand
what it is to love me
as more than just
an object
as more than a fantasy
of someone
you could have loved
in another life
in another universe
in another place
that isn't here

So yeah, you feel like home
you feel like bittersweet ecstasy
and disappointed
you feel like broken plates
in the sink
and hiding under the covers
when someone has a belt out
you feel like double standards
and two dollar coins

You're every story I ever loved
but couldn't will to life
and that sounds like home to me