deepundergroundpoetry.com
Irrelevancy
I don’t know in which part of the
“my-slim-ankles-on-your-shoulders,
your-strong-hands-under-my-ass,”
conversation to insert
the unimportant matter
that I have loved you
since before the heavens
and earth fell from each other;
and I will still
long for the taste of
myself
on your lips,
when the world is
a faded dream in the ether,
and I am but a ghost
on its surface.
“my-slim-ankles-on-your-shoulders,
your-strong-hands-under-my-ass,”
conversation to insert
the unimportant matter
that I have loved you
since before the heavens
and earth fell from each other;
and I will still
long for the taste of
myself
on your lips,
when the world is
a faded dream in the ether,
and I am but a ghost
on its surface.
Published 13th May 2012
| Edited 15th May 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 1
comments 9
reads 1240
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
14th May 2012 9:04am
I enjoyed the matter-of-fact nature of this, it holds a certain charming awkwardness.. Only quibble is a couple of commas, one after 'and' in line 9 and after 'ether' in line 14.
Either way, it's adorable and i thank you for a read that i understand all too well!
Either way, it's adorable and i thank you for a read that i understand all too well!
14th May 2012 2:35pm
AWESOME read... charming awkwardness is a fan-flipping-tastic phrase.
I see what you mean. I actually have to look that up, because I think I could have it technically accurate, dividing independent clauses, but the forced pauses stilt it. (I'll honestly look it up. I enjoy the chance to fine-tune my comma usage. It is, and this is the damn truth, my biggest problem.)
THANK YOU. I totally dig your review!
I see what you mean. I actually have to look that up, because I think I could have it technically accurate, dividing independent clauses, but the forced pauses stilt it. (I'll honestly look it up. I enjoy the chance to fine-tune my comma usage. It is, and this is the damn truth, my biggest problem.)
THANK YOU. I totally dig your review!
15th May 2012 7:08am
I totally killed the that in like 9, which changed the structure and killed the comma. I couldn't find definitive support. (STRUNK AND WHITE'S FAILED ME!) But, since it worked without it, why not.
Thanks again,
Betty
Thanks again,
Betty
17th May 2012 2:50pm
I know how people get about format and all that but for me it's always about the wording and it totally kicked me in the nads.nice one
18th May 2012 00:51am
Thanks Viwe. Speaking of nuts...
You ever smell mothballs?
Hard getting the lil' legs apart, isn't it?
(I've been waiting, WAITING to use that. MUWHAHAHAAA... I win!)
I mean, uh, dude, really, that's such a nice thing to say. I appreciate it.
Betty
You ever smell mothballs?
Hard getting the lil' legs apart, isn't it?
(I've been waiting, WAITING to use that. MUWHAHAHAAA... I win!)
I mean, uh, dude, really, that's such a nice thing to say. I appreciate it.
Betty
Anonymous
17th May 2012 11:03pm
Proof, if proof were needed, that a poem doesn't need to be an epic to be a BIG poem. This juxtaposition of raunchy sex and heroic love seems to be a theme with you and you handle it with a unique style that some would call a poetic 'voice'. It works on many levels.
I mean, isn't it strange that raunchy sex and heroic love should be such natural candidates for juxtaposition? Shouldn't these things be strings to the same bow? Shouldn't you compare him to summer's day? Hell no - fuck that! This is ... Betty... more Amy Winehouse than Tony Bennett. But then - didn't those two do a duet just before she died? Great poem. Red
I mean, isn't it strange that raunchy sex and heroic love should be such natural candidates for juxtaposition? Shouldn't these things be strings to the same bow? Shouldn't you compare him to summer's day? Hell no - fuck that! This is ... Betty... more Amy Winehouse than Tony Bennett. But then - didn't those two do a duet just before she died? Great poem. Red
18th May 2012 00:56am
Raunchy sex and heroic love... I'm totally chuckling up my sleeve over that. Very astute, Red.
Is that a genre? Can I claim it? I totally want to be the Grand Poo-Bah of Raunchysexheroiclove. With a hat. I want a damn hat.
Your enthusiasm is contagious. I love getting up a good head of steam and just ranting about stuff, in a positive way. That, good sir, was a badass rant.
Thank you for it.
Betty
Is that a genre? Can I claim it? I totally want to be the Grand Poo-Bah of Raunchysexheroiclove. With a hat. I want a damn hat.
Your enthusiasm is contagious. I love getting up a good head of steam and just ranting about stuff, in a positive way. That, good sir, was a badass rant.
Thank you for it.
Betty
26th Feb 2024 11:14pm
Gotta love the non-chalant approach in those first lines, filling the reader's mind with images that leaves us smiling.
Well penned Betty.
Well penned Betty.
7th Mar 2024 2:57am
