April 16, 2024

Attempting to journal again for the first time in so very many years…

It just all starts to crumble when my daughter’s fiance comes home from work in the afternoons. They will go into their bedroom to be alone together for the rest of the night, which is clearly understandable and something I want to be able to give them without annoyance or interruption or being a burden…

But then, I am alone.

I have my interests to keep me busy… But I am mentally ill, and when left alone, my thoughts can travel to dark places.

I am 50 now. Still struggling with the loneliness and isolation of bipolar depression. With the loneliness and isolation of being morbidly obese. Even though I won’t give up trying to lose this weight. To somehow attain my dreams… To perhaps find love again someday. To become a grandma.

With whatever little time I may have left.

But I am so morbidly sensitive. As I have been all my life. I seem to feel so much. I’m like an open wound emotionally. I feel so much passion inside me, so much love and tenderness aching to spill onto something or someone…

Lately I’ve begun making Tiktok videos, just short confessional rants… I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s to feel a sense of connection with the outside world. We live in a somewhat rural area and sometimes it feels like I'm on the edge of the world. I'll sit outside and listen to the cars drive down the country road and just stare out over the landscape, hearing the roosters crying from the farmer's property next door… And it can feel so lonely.

I have no significant other. I recently had a falling out with my best and only friend (besides my daughter), and I sorely miss having someone to talk to multiple times throughout the day. I have my daughter during the day when her fiance is at work, but again, I try not to burden her. Even though she is my truly my best friend, and my support system. And everything to me.

Today I watched a movie that just tore me up inside. I've been reeling from it all day. A story of obsessive love, the kind of love that eats you up inside and swallows you whole. The way I tend to love, with every cell and fiber of my being, with no room in between for breathing… I'm consumed by it.

I'll make this brief tonight. And maybe try again tomorrow to express the soft storm that sometimes goes off inside my head.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRToWJLh/