valentine thoughts

i feel safe and i can breath
for i don't have to pretend my head
is not pounding
for it is another moment
when i peek at the clock
and realize i was feeling special
this exact moment -
365 days ago

and the specific playbacks
flash inside me like
horror flicks.

now things are just empty and i feel safe
because i don't have to spend this year's today
trying to put effort in making someone feel special
when i am not special enough to do that.

i maintain my stand-still
believing this is
the best choice for me
because any other decision will hurt me
and nothing can hurt if you're emotionless.

but it is hard to be emotionless.

i look at a photo now in the place
of the one we had 365 days ago
with the sickening nostalgia
filling my head and i ask myself
if you bought her a rose
like you did me
365 days ago.

and i ask myself if  
months from now you'll still be drawing hearts
on her face
without breaking the one inside her
because you know it is for you only
i ask myself if
months from now you would love her  
for who she was
because you know what you did
and perhaps -
perhaps
you are conscious of the girl you once broke and
left to waste

and realize how much you need to fix
to become a better person
now.