why do i miss you?

why do i miss you
the one who brought the drought
and, at the same time,
drowned me for everything that i had?

why do i miss you
the one to abuse me
at 13 years old
and locked me up in his room?

why do i miss you
the stupid, selfish
purely immature
teenage boy?

tonight, there’s no answer
there’s just a lack
lack of love and worth
of myself

there’s lack of physical touch
and kisses
and words of affirmations
words i fell for
and kisses i used to die for

so why
why the fuck do i miss you
the one who embodies
nothing i value, nothing i really like?

because sadly
you showed me
what loving physically was like
and - at 13 years old
i simply couldn’t tell the difference