deepundergroundpoetry.com
Easter
...And church is not what I remember.
Where is the elegance?
Where is the faith?
Where is the hope?
What is this place?
Is it my hope that is lost?
Or is it the enthusiasm,
that is forgotten
And what is left,
is reluctance.
Simple followers,
lost.
For blindness is the reason for the season.
And I am committing treason,
I've opened my eyes.
And spread the disease
of lost simplicity.
You may have a Shepherd
(and hes dead,
and in your head)
but your still just sheep.
Where is the elegance?
Where is the faith?
Where is the hope?
What is this place?
Is it my hope that is lost?
Or is it the enthusiasm,
that is forgotten
And what is left,
is reluctance.
Simple followers,
lost.
For blindness is the reason for the season.
And I am committing treason,
I've opened my eyes.
And spread the disease
of lost simplicity.
You may have a Shepherd
(and hes dead,
and in your head)
but your still just sheep.
Published 10th Apr 2012
| Edited 26th Dec 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
10th Apr 2012 5:15am
2nd May 2012 4:32am
8th Jul 2012 6:18pm
Hey there. I feel the same about church but more so since I lost my faith. But enough of my bs, let's get to your poem. Here's a few notes:
1) The first line is clumsy. I think you probably just wrote it in a hurry, maybe threw in an extra 'of'.
2) Stanza 2, Line 2 it is spelled 'enthusiasm.'
3) The structure of the second stanza can be reworked for much greater effect. Focus on your line breaks and you will absolutely rip out the emotion from your readers.
4) Stanza 3: Line 1 - it is spelled 'followers.' Line 4 - it is spelled 'treason.'
5- Stanza 3 is powerful! Great work there!
6- Stanza 4: Line 1 - it is spelled 'Shepherd' and must be capitalized because it refers to Christ. The same goes for any pronoun such as 'He' that refers to him as well. You use two 'but's here and it loses it's impact. Try changing the second one to an 'and.'
Great sentiment (a shared one) and a huge ending. Keep on writing.
1) The first line is clumsy. I think you probably just wrote it in a hurry, maybe threw in an extra 'of'.
2) Stanza 2, Line 2 it is spelled 'enthusiasm.'
3) The structure of the second stanza can be reworked for much greater effect. Focus on your line breaks and you will absolutely rip out the emotion from your readers.
4) Stanza 3: Line 1 - it is spelled 'followers.' Line 4 - it is spelled 'treason.'
5- Stanza 3 is powerful! Great work there!
6- Stanza 4: Line 1 - it is spelled 'Shepherd' and must be capitalized because it refers to Christ. The same goes for any pronoun such as 'He' that refers to him as well. You use two 'but's here and it loses it's impact. Try changing the second one to an 'and.'
Great sentiment (a shared one) and a huge ending. Keep on writing.
2nd Aug 2012 3:55am
