Autumn Leaves

I’m so fucking low I might as well be high
And it’s so tragically funny that I wish to die alone
Among autumn leaves and country music
Though it’s only that one song that can make me cry
And want to expunge the emptiness from my heart
… Will you remember?  
 
Close your eyes and pick a card, any card…
Smack me down for a 52 card pick up  
78 for the tarot deck I’m avoiding
When St Valentine wishes to pay me a visit  
And nothing ever came from love, but the need  
To self destruct and light my world on fire  
Cigarette burn on the back of my hand…
I remember the day it left a scar on the inside of my thigh  
Among the amber dreams that left me  
Stumbling around in my underwear  
Self-denial was so beautiful, until I violated myself  
With someone else’s manhood.  
 
I never meant to fall in love, like a sapiosexual
For a mind, as though it was its own entity  
And I loved him like the air I need to breathe
And I never hated love so much, then to give me  
Something I could never have.
And I find no liberty in liberation  
Lying drunk on the floor with a knife in hand  
To try and bleed the pain away  
While they’re asking me, what am I so afraid of?  
As though my existence is something that’s easy  
To comprehend in a psychically violent world.  
 
And I have to say, “Fuck God!”  
For all he never did for me
While I was being beaten with scripture  
Discovering the hating hand of religious love.  
There will be no saving my soul  
Devil’s advocate tattooed on the wrist  
I once tried to slit when no one could love me right  
For I’d rather go to hell with the damaged  
Than live in heaven with the fake.  
And I’m so agonisingly alive
Though I’m doing it wrong again
Chasing demons through the park just to take a peek  
At the dark form with angel wings  
While obsession only led to beautiful torment
And I can do without her “love” when  
I’m just another drug to smoke up when she gets lonely.  
 
And I’ve never been so lonely then when I’m honest  
Wide-eyed and looking for something in a face  
That doesn’t care, and long ago gave up the pretense  
And I don’t know why I’m trying to be understood  
When we speak different languages  
And mine is all gray and meaningless  
To everyone but me.  
 
I’m so fucking low I might as well be high
And it’s so tragically funny that I’m certain I’ll die alone
Among autumn leaves and country music
Though it’s only that one song that can make me cry
And want to expunge the emptiness from my heart
… Will you remember?  
 
© Indie Adams 2012