deepundergroundpoetry.com
Small
I am often told that I should just love myself, that I am making it too complicated, that I am indeed doing this all to myself.
When I hear this, it is as if a hole has opened inside of the walls of my chest, and it hurts to breathe.
There are days like these when I wish I could be someone else, anyone other than me.
I remember being the only little girl in my class to ask about weight watchers, the only one who didn't dare wait in line for the chocolate pudding everyone else got at lunchtime.
I don't exactly remember when the hatred for myself began, but I do remember how fast it spread, and god, it spread so fucking fast.
I think that the pain that lives inside of me began to grow when I realized that boys didn't like girls like me, and when the word fat was hurled at my body like sharp jagged knives.
And when the stares would bore into my skin as I sat down to eat lunch, eating became my biggest shame, my ultimate fear.
I remember asking Santa Claus to make me skinny, and praying to Jesus on Sundays for
smaller thighs, and I think that that is when it all began,
When I began cutting away at pieces of myself in hopes to become smaller, to become this beautiful frail creature I had imagined myself to one day become.
And after the praying and the Christmas wishes and the birthday candles didn't work I discovered something darker, something shameful.
There are moments in time that I will always regret, and slipping my fingers down my throat will always remain the biggest regret that I will ever carry upon my chest,
And what it shaped me into is one of the most painful feelings I think that I will ever feel.
But after it all, there are days and nights like these where I crave the feeling, the cold water on an empty stomach or my fingers slipping down into the wells inside of my desert dry throat,
All in hopes to become what I've always dreamed of;
Small.
When I hear this, it is as if a hole has opened inside of the walls of my chest, and it hurts to breathe.
There are days like these when I wish I could be someone else, anyone other than me.
I remember being the only little girl in my class to ask about weight watchers, the only one who didn't dare wait in line for the chocolate pudding everyone else got at lunchtime.
I don't exactly remember when the hatred for myself began, but I do remember how fast it spread, and god, it spread so fucking fast.
I think that the pain that lives inside of me began to grow when I realized that boys didn't like girls like me, and when the word fat was hurled at my body like sharp jagged knives.
And when the stares would bore into my skin as I sat down to eat lunch, eating became my biggest shame, my ultimate fear.
I remember asking Santa Claus to make me skinny, and praying to Jesus on Sundays for
smaller thighs, and I think that that is when it all began,
When I began cutting away at pieces of myself in hopes to become smaller, to become this beautiful frail creature I had imagined myself to one day become.
And after the praying and the Christmas wishes and the birthday candles didn't work I discovered something darker, something shameful.
There are moments in time that I will always regret, and slipping my fingers down my throat will always remain the biggest regret that I will ever carry upon my chest,
And what it shaped me into is one of the most painful feelings I think that I will ever feel.
But after it all, there are days and nights like these where I crave the feeling, the cold water on an empty stomach or my fingers slipping down into the wells inside of my desert dry throat,
All in hopes to become what I've always dreamed of;
Small.
Published 25th Aug 2021
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likes 6
reading list entries 3
comments 3
reads 470
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The author encourages honest critique.
25th Aug 2021 2:57pm
Dear FA,
The poignancy of your poem is almost too much to bear. There are so many relatable elements to this write in terms of making oneself small, and not just in the sense of the physical but the emotional side as well.
Your raw and honest style of writing grabs your reader and you can’t help but go where the story goes it’s so captivating and understandable. I’m very sorry for the personal pain and so appreciative of the honesty and direct speak of the writing. H🌷
The poignancy of your poem is almost too much to bear. There are so many relatable elements to this write in terms of making oneself small, and not just in the sense of the physical but the emotional side as well.
Your raw and honest style of writing grabs your reader and you can’t help but go where the story goes it’s so captivating and understandable. I’m very sorry for the personal pain and so appreciative of the honesty and direct speak of the writing. H🌷
25th Aug 2021 11:43pm
I hope that you can find peace with yourself, if you already haven't. This is a beautiful emotional share.
~LJ
~LJ
28th Aug 2021 4:34am
I know it's hard, not from personal experience (the biggest I've weighed was 190 pounds due to medication but I've slimmed down again) but from this cruel world. Beautifully spoken poem.
If I told you the truth, there's this bigger girl who I consider to be the most beautiful girl in the world. She will always be memorable to me. Maybe for you, I will share that song related to her soon (It's called Thick Girls).
I wish I could erase your pain as well as mine because body image issues are tough.
Sending love and hugs <3
If I told you the truth, there's this bigger girl who I consider to be the most beautiful girl in the world. She will always be memorable to me. Maybe for you, I will share that song related to her soon (It's called Thick Girls).
I wish I could erase your pain as well as mine because body image issues are tough.
Sending love and hugs <3
