Happy Birthday Dear Trash, Happy Birthday to me....

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday, dear traaash,
Happy birthday to me....
 
*Xbox beep* Achievement Unlocked "One Year Closer to Death" -Description: "Get your living streak up to twenty-three years."
 
Is this what I've become?
Earth scum.
I've achieved some great things throughout my life,
I've been in five local art shows, was an extra in an unreleased movie "Ninety-Nine Killer Clowns", and best of all, met the most perfect person I've ever had the pleasure to meet in my entire life,
I've also started learning about my gender and sexuality (just lables, nothing physical), and found that some day, I would like to be a husband, not a wife,
And written over one hundred and seventy poems,
But now, I'm stuck in the doldrums,
And I'm spirling downward like a fibonacci spiral,
But like an ugly fractal, showcasing all my failures, as down, I spiral.
I was selfish, it's not about me, it's about more.
I was overwhelmed by social media's irritating popular personalities, politics, anger, hate, false and conflicting information, and more,
And stayed away from the digital jungle,
Instead of puttin' on my spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle,
And riding through the muck,
To pluck
Out the posts with real meaning,
And say pleasantries, holiday greetings, and appreciation to those in my life with the most meaning.
How can I say that I care about them,
When I hid from the world, in my shell, and didn't even say a word to them?
And I can't even come out as gender nonconforming male, to my father due to my anxiety,
Which is a real shame, he's not a hateful person who would hurt me or kick me out of his house, my saftey is not on the line, so why the anxiety?
I wish I could just be me,
But I worry
About what he would think about me on the inside,
Would he fully try to understand how I feel inside?
Or would he just smile and accept me
But wonder if I'm just attention seeking, and worry about what I might get into, alternatively?
Not meaning to be brash,
But I am nothing but trash.
I even start written and typed sentences with "but" and "and" as if they were spoken,
And I know better, I think I'm broken.
I'm like a china doll, once beautiful, and well cared for,
Until the world got it's digital hands on me, and now I'm cracked galore,
Hiding under layers of paint,
My moral value it does taint.
I've been told by a few (I don't let that many get close to me), that I am beautiful, unique, intelligent, creative, and kind,
But I just don't see it, it's so hard to find.
Gods, I hope this is just a situational depression,
I don't know If I could handle session after session
Of these bad feelings,
Except that I've got someone to look up to, to block these feelings,
But I wouldn't blame him, if he hated me from now on,
Or didn't even realize what was going on,
Because I am so insignificant, because our circles don't meet,
I wish I could go back and relive the day we did meet,
The only day he ever saw me,
The only day (I'm sure), he has ever thought about me.
I'm sorry for the pitty party,
I guess I'll just go crawl back into the hole I've dug for myself,
This smelly, disgusting, latrine of a hole
That houses my soul.
I wish for no pity,
All I hope for in reality,
Is the hope that you can accept my apology,
I won't let it happen again, I'll be a better person, and maybe I can remedy
This catastrophe.