Scream! (A Prequel to "Panic Attack")

My watery eyes, bathed in the blue glow of my computer screen,
Searching every page of every shop I've ever seen
In the near vicinity of my home,
Hastily looking for a job, so I don't have to go stay at the home
Of my grandmother (or at least not for long),
We've never been close, and if I told her who I really was, I knew we wouldn't get along,
For she would worry too much about me,
Because she doesn't understand me,
Or really anything about LGBTQIAP+
It hurts my soul, but I am family, and must rush thus
To and fro, to help out family members in need,
And not worry about my own need.
 
I know this isn't about me,
And she just got back from the hospital, you see,
But that house always feels so devoid of any real emotion,
Other than an unease that belies and lies underneath an emptiness,
An unease tinged with a real fear she has, of the world going into chaos, over there is no real happiness,
Everyone walks on eggshells there,
No one understands the world there,
I don't want to go there.
 
...But what choice do I have? I have to be a good grandson-I mean, "granddaughter",
I can't even tell her I'm a boy, for being in danger
Of being misunderstood, and overly worried for,
And asked about every little aspect, until I give up and say to them that I am a girl,
 
I'll get the whole package, the whole parcel,
I'll constantly be spoken of with the wrong label,
I'll have Jesus, closed minded and angry politics, and having to be innocent, perfect, and in pink, shoved down my throat,
It's too much of an overload,
My brain's going to explode!
And it really makes me sore,
The only parent near me, is off the night before,
Spending the night with a friend to make sure he doesn't hurt himself,
Because he's been released from the hospital early, and his family can't come see him,
I just can't fathom.
 
I want to scream!
Into a pillow,
Into someone's face, who I'm sure, has a mind hollow and narrow.
I wish I was meaner and could hurt someone, to release this rage, overwhelming feeling, and heartbreak,
I've built emotional walls around me, so thick, they seem almost opaque,
If it weren't for Brad Dourif, and my pets,
There'd be many threats
Of me just packing up and running away
But I can't break my family's hearts that way.