Rabbit hole

I’m sat here drinking and thinking
Which are two bad combinations  
Because I can’t stop looking at my body and I can’t stop thinking of how small I used to be  
The way my fingers wrapped around my waist like Christmas decorations and now they struggle to hold onto my hips without losing grip  
I can’t stand to look at it
i continuously think of just going back to old habits  
It would be so much easier than healthily losing the weight  
It would be faster
It’s one of the best highs  
I’m lying, I don’t want to invite you into this rabbit hole, I don’t know how to talk about this without doing so. Recovery is so hard when you never learned how to love specifically when people continue to tell you to lose weight
when you didn’t tell anyone about the recovery and how hard it was to get here
Now I just binge drink and eat instead of counting calories and working out seven days a week twice a day even  
It would be so easy to let the calculator restart