deepundergroundpoetry.com
Valerie
told me you'd be with your girl today:
the one you run to
when you need to be loose
of the confines, the monotone
of us
the lady in red gloss
an insatiable roar climbing her chest
when you lay into her
the way she deserves
she was made for it:
your guiding her curves
between open wings of sand
straddling black -
the tarmac
ride her to exhaustion
clench teeth and hold on for the screams
with a bourbon on the side
and if you spot a glimpse, a glimmer
a gleam on the horizon
catch up
i'll race you
the one you run to
when you need to be loose
of the confines, the monotone
of us
the lady in red gloss
an insatiable roar climbing her chest
when you lay into her
the way she deserves
she was made for it:
your guiding her curves
between open wings of sand
straddling black -
the tarmac
ride her to exhaustion
clench teeth and hold on for the screams
with a bourbon on the side
and if you spot a glimpse, a glimmer
a gleam on the horizon
catch up
i'll race you
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likes 12
reading list entries 2
comments 18
reads 1274
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Comment
Anonymous
- Edited 22nd Dec 2011 11:17am
22nd Dec 2011 11:16am
The first verse and last four lines are great. They convey a concise, powerful poetic vision which slips smoothly off the tongue. I also like the "open wings of sand." A lovely phrase.
"Your guiding" should be "you're."
The occasional capitals disrupt the flow somewhat, simply by virtue of being so apparent. I'd recommend removing them all. JMHO of course. Thanks for the read, jolais.
"Your guiding" should be "you're."
The occasional capitals disrupt the flow somewhat, simply by virtue of being so apparent. I'd recommend removing them all. JMHO of course. Thanks for the read, jolais.
1
re: Comment
22nd Dec 2011 4:28pm
Hi Jack. I appreciate your keen eyes, but that "your" is meant to be that way. "[One's] guiding of [another one's] curves" is the grammar I was going for. I hope that makes sense.
I did take on the removal of capitals.
Your attentions and critique are always valued, thank you.
I did take on the removal of capitals.
Your attentions and critique are always valued, thank you.
re: re: Comment
Anonymous
- Edited 23rd Dec 2011 4:57am
23rd Dec 2011 00:09am
Oh of course! Sorry, "your" does make sense in that context. Thanks for explaining, jolais.
0
LA
22nd Dec 2011 11:20am
Terribly sad, a beautiful tale to flow through, the end confused me. From the line 'and if you spot...' it felt it strayed from the original tale though I'm not sure it is in a bad way. Well done, Jolais, as always.
1
re: LA
22nd Dec 2011 4:47pm
LA, I have a feeling your generous interpretation is giving me more credit than I deserve for this little number. It was meant to start as a pseudo metaphor and grow clearer coming into focus as a simple nudge of playful jealousy. Many thanks for taking the time to read and comment, my friend. :)
comment
22nd Dec 2011 2:10pm
This is just excellent. At first time getting through it, then I read it a couple more times and found it to be flawless. In regards to the ending, going off my interpretation it is a great ending
1
re: comment
Hey Matt, flawless is an extreme compliment. Now, whether I crafted it that way or it was just a lucky shot, works out either way by me. Thank you very much.
Valerie the Volks?
Anonymous
22nd Dec 2011 2:40pm
Hey Jolais. Can't believe I just lodged a poem about cars in my drafts ledger and I come to my 'Updates' and there's this one.
So what kind of lady is 'Valerie' exactly? Do you ever visit the track or is this just a fantasy?
Liked it all except the line about 'bourbon on the side' (bourbon just didn't seem to fit in - unles you like drinking at the track which I kinda doubt!)
Do tell. Nice write. R.
So what kind of lady is 'Valerie' exactly? Do you ever visit the track or is this just a fantasy?
Liked it all except the line about 'bourbon on the side' (bourbon just didn't seem to fit in - unles you like drinking at the track which I kinda doubt!)
Do tell. Nice write. R.
0
re: Valerie the Volks?
22nd Dec 2011 5:02pm
Hi Red, it's funny how that works sometimes, isn't it? Writers on a wavelength.
This poem is based on a real red Valiant but she doesn't belong to me. And the 'track' is more along the lines of a desert road winged by sand on either side, and in this case, the bourbon fits in only because of the 'you' character. :)
I always enjoy your stopping in. Thanks.
This poem is based on a real red Valiant but she doesn't belong to me. And the 'track' is more along the lines of a desert road winged by sand on either side, and in this case, the bourbon fits in only because of the 'you' character. :)
I always enjoy your stopping in. Thanks.
<3
22nd Dec 2011 4:39pm
re: <3
22nd Dec 2011 5:05pm
Thank you, Mamba. I expect to return the sentiments on some of yours. Or maybe I already have? :)
By christ...
Anonymous
22nd Dec 2011 8:22pm
...'tis a hymn for the mighty red val....love it :-)
DP
DP
0
I love this!
1st Feb 2012 3:00am
As sad as the tone/subject seem, I couldn't help but smile when I read the last line. I suppose your ability to instill so many emotions in one piece is what makes this wonderful poetry :)
0
yesindeed....
1st Feb 2012 12:59pm
Re: Valerie
Anonymous
31st Jan 2014 8:50pm
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