the divorce pages

  
I dreaded this day forever
but when it finally came
I found myself indifferent
divorce...we will be divorced
after twenty years of marriage
 
I've lived in fear--
I've lived unhappily for years
I love him he is my friend
I thought all the problems with us were mine
with a clear mind, I realize the truth  
I was always more willing to forgive his shortcomings  
with him things are black and white  
it's my fault...
 
I don't blame him for not loving me anymore
I don't love myself
I will miss him like the other half of my soul when he's gone
he is a part of me the biggest part
I can't say that I'm not still afraid...because I am
but the world must be met
I can no longer hide from it like a child
I'm no child
 
he's been my protector and friend for years
it's my fault he is no longer my confidant
I stopped confiding in him because he would judge
I navigate my problems alone the best I can
I don't always make the best choices but they are mine
 
reckless and impulsive at times
I've pushed him to his limit with me
funny how I had no limits on what I would endure with him
other women, drug use, abandonment, and more
it hurts that he would give up on me
but maybe it's for the best
 
this may be a new part of my journey
my soldier could only take me so far
at ease, you've done your tour with me
my hopes for you is that you have what you need in life
without all the grief I've brought you in the end
 
please when you think of me remember me fondly
the lady I used to be before all the complications
I've spent twenty years with you
they weren't all bad...
 
I hold you tight in my heart, keeper of your secrets
the ones I can't even bring myself to write about
just know I loved you...all of you  
for better or worse