Marnie (Mother)

From embryonic start our relationship was problematic    
You risked your life for mine repeatedly for seven months  
The fact that I suffered no permanent consequence    
a miracle, as divine the blessing of my old-new name    
Before it was mine you had to swear to never change it  
 
It never has, and it never will, I give my promise    
   
The world never was your friend    
You were abused, used, seduced, betrayed.    
with little help and less mercy    
Chronically ill in agonizing pain constantly    
vodka and prescription drugs were your solace    
Filled your world with a haze that gave refuge    
from pain, crushing poverty, your unusual children    
for whom you felt nothing you did was ever enough    
   
You would tell your sister in law, your best friend    
I was her child, not your daughter.    
You would insist that you were a carrier of genetics    
A surrogate, you have no idea your accuracy    
that she is in truth my mother in all ways  
  
You've been dead twelve years and now  
 
I am her daughter, the treasure of her heart    
in all ways that truly matter because at the last    
your family is the one you choose for yourself.    
Blood gives existence, love makes life worth all.    
I have your blood, true, but you never loved me    
Your mind could not fathom such a concept    
   
When I was nine, I stood before a court of law    
condemning you and my father for your sins    
Of most heinous abuse, neglect, but I was jailed    
eleven years to a family that never let me forget  
  
I was Different, I would always be Other.    
In the world of blonde Mennonite Christians    
My Jewishness, my dark ringlets, my revered name    
incited a rabid hatred that almost killed me.    
   
Even reunion did not make us mother and daughter    
We were too logical, too far in time, from sentiment    
content in the trajectories of our distinct lives    
Vomiting force-fed Christianity, I embraced my heritage    
You, who wore the orange, believed in logic above all.    
   
When you decided to die, I was expecting a daughter    
I couldn’t mourn you, I had no idea until far too late    
For a half-hour I sat on the ground, reminiscing    
Suddenly realizing death was your desired goal    
I stood, feeling nothing but peace for our souls  
 
You took the last of your dwindling agency    
refused to take the medication that gave you life    
You knew you would die, literally stop your own heart    
   
Your best friend, my now-mother, filled your wishes    
She adopted me as her own treasured daughter    
She spilled your ashes with no tears or prayers    
into a free-flowing river, leaving no trace of you    
   
I forgive you, Marnie    
Blaming you would be cruel    
Thank you for fighting ,not giving up on me    
Wherever you are, may you have repose eternally.