.

I think I ran to you
Because you were home
For so long
And I'm toxic
So I dont know the difference between old and new
I was toxic
I don't think i am anymore
And I'm sorry to everyone i hurt
I cant take everything back
I cant show you my sorrow
You wont understand it,
I don't think I should even explain it
I dont think it matters anymore to anyone but me and I cant explain why I hold so tightly to the past
Maybe it has to do with how things seem to move to fast for me
And I cant ever hold onto them the way I want to
Or maybe it has to do with how I've never been able to let go of things
Like I hold my dad responsible for my upbringing after 17 years
And how I hold my mom accountable for all of mental illnesses after 6 years.
Maybe how I hold grudges and resentment and how I refuse to forgive the ones who have not apologized
And how I still want to bash his skull in
And how I still wish I would have said no louder and how badly I wish I wouldnt have had to turn to drugs and older men
I just wish
I wish I would have been different
I hope that one day I'll awake up as another human
And I cry
I weep so loudly I wake up the neighbors
I scream into the pillow
I had cut words into this skin
This flesh reminds me of all I dont want to remember
Reminds me of everything I want to forget
Everything i cant forgive.
So i cry
I cry hard and loud
And no one hears because no cares
Because I dont tell anyone