the meth diaries~reality

 
day three without meth
I feel better today though not good
the biggest issue is mental
meth was created by the Nazis
it was used to keep the soldiers alert
 
later it was used to treat depression
so it alters your brain chemistry
my mind is missing the drug
 
I fought with drug demons all night
horrible dreams chased me out of my sleep
I awoke early today afraid to go back to bed
 
I believe as time passes it will get easier
it's my belief my bipolar  
made me susceptible to this drug
 
I'm really frightened...  
I won't be much of a writer sober
before this I used to write drunk
I don't drink anymore
and I won't be returning...  
to that nightmare either
 
truth is as an adult I've never been sober
starting at seventeen
I used pot, crank, cocaine then heroin
heroin to methadone
spent thirteen years there
 
quit methadone  
was given Xanax by docs at the hospital
seven years saw me there
to alcohol, cocaine and then meth
 
I'm afraid... what if I just can't cut it clean
there is no option I can't fail
I love my husband
I refuse to let my end be addiction
loveless, family-less, possibly homeless
 
I have to be brave and face this
the fears will come I will meet them head on
the nightmares will fade away
 
it will get better with each passing day
mental illness and addiction
the reality is confronting me