knocking on an imaginary door

The imagery of this and the way it was written read seamlessly until this part:  

playing with eachother with     
eyes and     

Firstly, using 'with' x's 2 lessons the impact. Secondly, though a mere typo or miss of the key, the lack of space between each/other will trip the reader, thus interrupting the poem's flow.  

Try saying what you wish to say differently to lose the repetition. An example would be to simply remove the first 'with'. This would play into your earlier keyboard.  

playing each other with     
eyes and     

Also, some other areas could be tightened for emphasis, i.e. -  

pressing the keys on his keyboard[']s eternal landscape     

could be trimmed to read,  

pressing his keyboard's eternal landscape

It's saying the exact thing more concisely.  

Lastly, spaces. This could really benefit from some. Examples would be:  


i am writing you a poem, from the star stretched waves of my heart     
darting     
effortlessly     
draped     
against the curtains     
of a pianist’s silk gown     
pressing the keys on  his keyboards eternal landscape    
    
we were bubbles     
floating     
apart     
we were circlular clouds     
amongst     
cupid’s drunken darts     
playing with eachother with     
eyes and     
a saxophones heart     
pressing and unbuttoning     
your shirt    
    
each sounds is you     
each slamming of the door     
is you searching through     
a frozen closet     
entering an icicle world     
and i on the other side of the wall     
knocking     
knocking     
do you know i am here?     

wondering of you     
slumped against the streetlights of my minds vacation     
hoping for an eternal gaze     
of thoughtfulness

Overall I really enjoyed this offering. Emotionally it captures the essence of separation beautifully. The imagery was striking and unique.  

We have a group 'Honestly Crafted Critique' if you'd like assistance with these older ( or newer ) works.  

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/groups/honestly-crafted-critique/discussion/

Thank you so much for the critique. I was honestly stumped on how to fluff this, and break it apart, this was a quick write i had never edited, written five years ago. Thanks again, i will definitly cut this up later.

There is no one better equipped to assist you in improving your writing skill than Ahavati. 📝💻

Thank you. 💜

Such a beautiful and dreamy write. You led me to a wonderland  and I saw the "curtains  of a pianist’s silk gown " ,  "a saxophones heart " ,   "a frozen closet" ,  " the streetlights  of my mind's vacation" , "an eternal gaze of thoughtfulness". You are such a romantic poetess. Love this so much.

much love
RoseJasmine                

Oh rose thank you so much, your comment made my day. I am so touched that you loved it :)

Amazing poem. Loved all the imagery

thank you for reading and comment! it means a lot to me!

Oh good first line
"star stretched waves of my heart "

"pressing the keys on  his keyboard's eternal landscape"- i really want to go see a live orchestra play now.


"we were bubbles          
floating          
apart          
we were circlular clouds "           -a daydream drifting away in a thought built for 2.rolling down steep lime green hills by the dam.a perfect picnic posing for a picture.

"a saxophones heart    
pressing and unbuttoning    
your shirt   "- make me coin change in your buskers case


"each sounds is you    
each slamming of the door    
is you searching through    
a frozen closet     " - Lovers were a sound and i was a baseball bat in a room full of glass,god help us all.

wonderful poem mariellewrites

well penned.

let love be a hallway of unlocked doors constantly under construction.

wow thank you so much! i love reading your comment, brought a smile to my face. :)

Marielle, you have a fascinating talent for describing this in abstract terms. Your poems are kind of Daliesque to me. This passage is case in point for me:
"slumped against  
the streetlights   of my mind's
vacation "
Just an awsome way to think. Brava!

Wow what a compliment! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, I truly appreciate it.

With the passage you cited you evoked, for me, a mysterious, noir, image of a trench coat,  fedora wearing mysterious figure representing the mysteries of the mind.