den's song

It's beautiful because you share your pained emotions so honestly.  Your lines and images flow so well here too.

Thank you so much. Im honored to be on your reading list. This was such a hard time for me, every word is exactly how I felt. Sometimes I felt I couldn't even breathe the pain was so excruciating .

This is exactly how you capture an emotion, Marielle. You write it out, and this captures it perfectly. The pain, desolation, and potential hope.

It's not until the feeling passes, perhaps years later, that you revisit to edit unemotionally. This could use some tightening and spaces to breathe since you're interested in honest critique.

I'll return to offer them when I have more time today.

Marielle, this needs very little, imho. I very much enjoyed the raw and emotional nature of it. I would suggest spaces for empasis on shifting thought, as well as consistency in punctuation. For example, your title is punctuated in possessive apostrophe; therefore, the remainder of the verse should be, i.e. - i'd vs id.

I've also eliminated a few repeating
words, e.g. - but and those. Also corrected some spelling, i.e. latter.  Lastly a tense, i.e. - awake vs awakened.

You've a knack for capturing emotion. So capture it without thinking about edits. Edits can come much later; that particular emotion won't.

den's song

there was a time [when]
i lived for you
broke bottles
hid in snow dens
i created
sleeping, wading
wasting away
flesh and bone
uneaten
slept awake

[space]

there was a time/[split line for consistency with S1]
i lived for you
barely breathing
but . . .
heart flew
upon an open wound

[space]

there was a time
i'd give you
every single smile
even if later on/
i was  dead inside  
hiding in bathroom stalls  
hating my own
harpering solitude

i'd still live for you
your kiss , brown eyes
those times you held me tight
just to wake and dream
“i love you , i miss you”

my heart could live upon it
my life could depend

I love this edit, cant thank you enough.

You're very welcome.

You're very good at what you do. [happycritiquingbunny]

[purpleheart]

I agree completely too.

Excellent use of the word "harpering" , which is only slang and not recognized in anything but the Urban Dictionary.  

Thanks but are you being sarcastic?

Nope. It's great to see seldom used wordage that officially doesn't exist. And the more it gets used, the more likely it will be recognized by actual dictionaries.

☺