When Tears Aren't Cried

 

I was engrained
from a very young age
to stifle the pain
never reveal rage
to stuff it down

but as I’ve grown older
my ‘perma-frown’
has forced me to look
behind the corruption
rising above
societal conventions
to build my own Crown
of Gems that I now
wear proudly, although
from time to time it still

slips and strangles me

“inappropriate reactions”
to every-day interactions
be them justified or just
raw to my ego’s mind
when I blush red, inside
it feels like the razor’s bite

I’ve held in my tears
for so many years
all logic and reason
gets thrown aside

I judge myself harsher
than any abusive partners
whom have only further
trained me in these ways
when ‘no’ is not an option
to any proposed ‘suggestion’
“it’s for your best interest”
(that line is fucking bullshit)

due to such programming
I find myself still running
away from those
who sincerely do care
my loved ones who might
have been here all along

I don’t wish to hide
anymore, but yet I run
concealing a lack of reaction
of conventional normality
but there are no tears for me
at times when it is expected
that my cheeks become damp

I find that crying comes
only when most unexpected
and I fear that you and others
will judge me at times when
my lack of expression may
be seen as lack of empathy
when the truth couldn’t be
further from this absence

and so I seek to find my voice
yet again, I have no choice
but this time, it’s self-motivated
I must find a way to
crack open communication
scheduling the demolition
of my self-inflicted walls
barriers of protection
they seem no longer needed
self-harming habits in remission

now I push my Crown of Gems
back up to my Higher Chakra
in attempt to poetically express
what for so long I have kept silent
quiet tears may remain inside
but I know that one day
soon I will realize
the only thing I’ve ever needed
is a loving hug to help me feel
this emotional reality
peeling back the layers

some tears do need release