Prayers for Rain

for J.

Maybe you're just not alive anymore.

I find my heart is glass today...
Not hard... It's soft and brittle
And breakable. You're gone.
One I never thought would go.
All your speeches, all that breath
You put in to those words...
Just say goodbye if you want to stop talking,
I told you. You know I don't make
Demands from guys. You know
I make it my priority to enjoy
Whatever they want to give.
And be happy, and be grateful.
You promised me. You said okay,
I'll say goodbye. But I never will,
Because I never want to stop
Talking to you. Your exact words.
I can't stop thinking about how
Your friend flipped the Jeep 20 times.
What was going through your mind.
We stayed on the phone for hours that night
To keep you awake. They'd shot
You up with something anyways to
Help with that. But was it all true.
Maybe your legendry in my mind
Is as credible as Prince Charming's
Or Jiminy Cricket's. What was lethal
About you was the substance behind you.
I felt for you overwhelming chemistry.
But I also knew about your life.
I knew how passionate and ambitious
You were. I must use the past tense now,
Your beautiful face needs a headstone
Floating over it in order to save my soul.
You're not even 21. I'm completely ludicrous.
I act like a child on my snap story,
And I imagine people laugh at me.
I can't express how I try to get through days
I'm terrified of by acting thoroughly
Juvenile and immature.
My only friend now is an 18 year old boy
Who was a friend of my daughter's.
I already told you I ostracize females.
They don't understand the guy worship.
Grow up, they say. Get a hobby.
The problem with you is you had that voice.
The sexiest voice I've ever heard.
You'd not hear me because my phone sucks ass,
And you'd say what, and I'd want to squirt across the room.
You sent me those videos.
I was entranced by the mere sight
Of your Adam's apple. I imagined
What it would be like to watch it
Move as you moved inside me and
Filled me with your precious essence.
I tell people constantly I can survive
Anything if I just have money.
Just enough to have comfort.
I'd do anything tonight for chicken mcnuggets.
I'd do anything to see your face
On my Kik again. I'm officially moving
Your pictures to my infamous folder.
It's full of beautiful guys I've not wanted
To let go of but needed to get their images
Off my phone. Because there's only
One age old tenet that works for me.
Out of sight, out of mind.
I hope one day you'll leave my mind.
I also hope you'll have a severely
Happy, full, wonderful life.
You're absolutely brilliant.
You are always and forever a gift.
Goodbye my sweet love.
I'll never look at rain and storms
And thunderclouds the same way​ again.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ICrDYsfjvgY