deepundergroundpoetry.com
Fading Time
Time fades like dust in a cloudy sky
There's a place where all dreams go to die
It's a place with no sun and no stars
on the shores neither near nor far
It's a place where we reap what we sow
Silver wishes and misspent sorrow
Where tears fall like rain on a rose
Dream your dream, don't be afraid
In the ocean of hearts, you dare to wade
Stick your toe in, it's not too cold
Try to smile as you grow old
In the galaxy of hope, There's only two places to go
Dare to imagine, let your dreams flow
Or drift off to the empty sky
Where all dreams go to die
There's a place where all dreams go to die
It's a place with no sun and no stars
on the shores neither near nor far
It's a place where we reap what we sow
Silver wishes and misspent sorrow
Where tears fall like rain on a rose
Dream your dream, don't be afraid
In the ocean of hearts, you dare to wade
Stick your toe in, it's not too cold
Try to smile as you grow old
In the galaxy of hope, There's only two places to go
Dare to imagine, let your dreams flow
Or drift off to the empty sky
Where all dreams go to die
Published 23rd Jul 2011
| Edited 23rd Nov 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 2
comments 7
reads 1224
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
23rd Jul 2011 6:31am
I was feeling positive at the end, then you had to kill my buzz. LOL! Kidding...a thought provoking piece. Enjoyed it very much, lady.
23rd Jul 2011 6:38am
I feel like there's a chunk missing in the middle, further towards the end... but I can't fill it. I'll admit, I got frustrated so instead of leaving it open and unfinished I got lazy and ended it with the last two lines. Meh. I LOVE your advice, so feel free ;)
Anonymous
23rd Jul 2011 7:08am
Okay then, I'll expand my comments and try to offer some positive assistance:
"There's a place where all dreams go to die
It's a place with no sun and no stars
It's a place neither near nor far
It's a place where we reap what we sow"
That's a bit too repetitive. Two uses of "It's a place" would be just fine, but the third and fourth puts too much stress on the repetition, which can be slightly distracting to the reader. Vary your word use here to make it sound and flow better"
"Stick your toe in, it's not cold"
The meter is off by one syllable here. Add the word "too" to "it's not cold" so it reads, "it's not too cold", and that should fix that.
"In the galaxy of hope, There's only two places to go
Dare to dream, don't be afraid to go"
Replace one "go" with something else that rhymes with "go". It'll make those two lines sound better.
Your rhyme scheme changes quite a bit too, which might make the poem flow less, depending on the reader and the speed in which your piece is read. Currently the rhyme scheme is this: AA BB CCC DD EEEE FF. Two suggestions I have here are, 1) break the scheme up into couplets, so that it rhyming is consistent (AA BB CC DD EE FF, etc...) and, 2) format the lines so that the couplets are separated into pairs. That might make the poem look and sound better to the reader.
As far as your trouble with the middle-end of the poem, I'm not sure what advice I can offer you other than to think about it and play with it to see what works best. You're attempting to wrap the beginning in with the ending by referencing "sky" and "all dreams go to die", which is perfectly fine. In that context, maybe replacing "empty sky" with "cloudy sky" as you have in the beginning, would serve to wrap up the poem better.
"Dream your dream, don't be afraid
In the ocean of hearts, you dare to wade
Stick your toe in, it's not cold
Don't be afraid to smile as you grow old
In the galaxy of hope, There's only two places to go
Dare to dream, don't be afraid to go"
This part might be what you were talking about? It sounds a bit like a motivational speech. Maybe that's partially because you use "don't be afraid to" twice within a short distance of each other.
"In the galaxy of hope, There's only two places to go" This line, or something similar, might be better placed towards the middle of the poem. If it's in the middle, that might provide you with better direction and a means of ending the poem more to your liking. That line seems a bit out of place where it currently is. Try bumping it up a bit and reworking the lines and rhyme scheme to make it all fit together better.
Um, lol, did I totally tear up your piece? I'm really sorry. I like it, I do...promise! ^_^
"There's a place where all dreams go to die
It's a place with no sun and no stars
It's a place neither near nor far
It's a place where we reap what we sow"
That's a bit too repetitive. Two uses of "It's a place" would be just fine, but the third and fourth puts too much stress on the repetition, which can be slightly distracting to the reader. Vary your word use here to make it sound and flow better"
"Stick your toe in, it's not cold"
The meter is off by one syllable here. Add the word "too" to "it's not cold" so it reads, "it's not too cold", and that should fix that.
"In the galaxy of hope, There's only two places to go
Dare to dream, don't be afraid to go"
Replace one "go" with something else that rhymes with "go". It'll make those two lines sound better.
Your rhyme scheme changes quite a bit too, which might make the poem flow less, depending on the reader and the speed in which your piece is read. Currently the rhyme scheme is this: AA BB CCC DD EEEE FF. Two suggestions I have here are, 1) break the scheme up into couplets, so that it rhyming is consistent (AA BB CC DD EE FF, etc...) and, 2) format the lines so that the couplets are separated into pairs. That might make the poem look and sound better to the reader.
As far as your trouble with the middle-end of the poem, I'm not sure what advice I can offer you other than to think about it and play with it to see what works best. You're attempting to wrap the beginning in with the ending by referencing "sky" and "all dreams go to die", which is perfectly fine. In that context, maybe replacing "empty sky" with "cloudy sky" as you have in the beginning, would serve to wrap up the poem better.
"Dream your dream, don't be afraid
In the ocean of hearts, you dare to wade
Stick your toe in, it's not cold
Don't be afraid to smile as you grow old
In the galaxy of hope, There's only two places to go
Dare to dream, don't be afraid to go"
This part might be what you were talking about? It sounds a bit like a motivational speech. Maybe that's partially because you use "don't be afraid to" twice within a short distance of each other.
"In the galaxy of hope, There's only two places to go" This line, or something similar, might be better placed towards the middle of the poem. If it's in the middle, that might provide you with better direction and a means of ending the poem more to your liking. That line seems a bit out of place where it currently is. Try bumping it up a bit and reworking the lines and rhyme scheme to make it all fit together better.
Um, lol, did I totally tear up your piece? I'm really sorry. I like it, I do...promise! ^_^
23rd Jul 2011 11:11am
I can visualize my poem laying in mangles all around you. One line twitches, another takes it's pathetic last gasps of air. As you finish ripping a line down the middle, you notice another trying to inch away from you.
But it's okay. I've never looked at a poem like you laid it out to me. I'm intrigued about what it can become now ^_^
But it's okay. I've never looked at a poem like you laid it out to me. I'm intrigued about what it can become now ^_^
Anonymous
23rd Jul 2011 10:39pm
Your poem has a great amount of potential. And I wouldn't have picked it apart as I did without your invitation to do so, which I feel you provided me. Rest assured I won't do this all the time, but I hope it helped you reexamine your piece in a different light.
25th Jul 2011 9:50am
Shit, Shaman, you know Robin Williams in the Dead Poets' Society? You're kinda like his evil twin ;)
25th Jul 2011 9:45am
This is right up my alley.
Very spiritual feel with vivid imagery,
and a slightly Kubrick ending,
playing with the reader's perception. I really felt this.
Very spiritual feel with vivid imagery,
and a slightly Kubrick ending,
playing with the reader's perception. I really felt this.
