Tea And Biscuits With An Alien
Rudy is an alien. For the lack of a better description lets call him a grey.
We had a chat about philosophy, ethics, social engineering and genetic restructuring
one evening over a cup of tea and biscuits.
Me: Funny you should show up, i've been thinking about you guys, about what makes you tick.
Rudy: Yeah, we know, your questions are becoming more relevant, we are glad.
Me: Well, i'm glad you´re glad, now we can all be glad together.
Rudy: (sips tea) I sense hostility. Control yourself human, it´s worth it.
Your anxiety is typical, you should be above such things, being of value.
Me: Yeah, but are you of value to me, is what i ask myself.
You treat me like a piece of meat, i have clamp bruises and i´m supposed to believe
that you care for my well being, that you have my best interests at heart?
Value you say, lets discuss that. What's the going rate for my carcass?
Rudy: You wanted us to work on you, we've been working on you.
Trust us, you're in good clamps. Lets change the subject.
Me: OK, lets talk about the nature of the universe.
Rudy: From me me me to everything and all, hahaha, we like it.
Me: Whatever. Obviously the big bang theory is wrong, nothing will come from nothing.
Rudy: Interesting choice of words. Obviously we have had a long time to think about this.
Yes of course we saw early on that something cannot expand into nothing and yet
the measured evidence suggested movement and expansion.
This led to a long held conclusion that our growing awareness of the universe was the expansion.
There were obvious faults with that theory and it had it´s critics.
That velocity and space are relative leads to reality being relative and then
the question becomes in relation to what?
Like you humans we began considering multiple universes and larger designs,
but inescapably we were soon asking ourselves what do all the universes relate to,
what is their frame of reference? Something bigger still and endlessly perhaps
and into the tiniest of the tiny endlessly also?
I tell you, the whole thing was giving us a massive headache.
We had a kind of hippy movement for a while, a dangerous lot.
They claimed everything an illusion, time, space, reason and themselves even.
They always failed to explain how the illusion became self aware
and how it could be scrutinized by other self aware illusions endlessly.
And so we have been seeking the grail ever since and getting nowhere might I add.
Me: The grail?
Rudy: The spark, human, the ignition, the source.
Me: Oh you mean God, the one who created himself, but didn't really
because he´s always been there ever since he created himself, you mean that guy?
Rudy: When you put it that way, it makes one wonder if he´s just sitting at the
bottom of a test tube in the basement of a madman like the rest of us.
I want to use that as a joke for a upcoming student lecture if I may.
Me: Blow your brains out.
It makes one wonder you said, nice to see i´m not addressing a group of you.
i can´t believe you don't get that there can be no beginning or end,
therefor no creator or destroyer. Your hippies were right.
Rudy: We have given this thought human. We can be sure of only one thing,
we are aware therefor we are. How we became and what we will become
are the key questions rather than the nature of the physical universe,
it is only of secondary concern.
We don't chase the wind, we seek it's source.
Me: Hope you don´t discover it's just an asshole.
Have some biscuits or my wife will frown.
Lets get on the topic of alien intervention of human affairs.
Rudy: (forcing down a biscuit) Must we?
Me: Is it DNA upgrading? A breeding program? Are we somebody´s idea of a restaurant?
Or do you just get a kick out of playing God since you can't find him?
Rudy: Oh God, the humanities. If only my boss could hear this,
I think his elongated jelly bean head would just pop. We like you.
Me: Ah, you don't like your boss. Of course you would have a hierarchy,
it's so functional and keeps everyone in line for the top percentage.
Rudy laughing: Communist.
Me: You never answered my question though, what's it all about,
what's so special about humans? What do you need us for?
Rudy almost choking on a biscuit: Omelettes.
Me: Open a window honey, give the alien some air.
Rudy: I´m not an alien, I´m linked to you.
Did you think I came here for the pleasure of your company and the stimulating conversation?
Me: Any second now i'm gonna kick your ass mister.
Alright, i'll bite, so why did you decide to grace us with your presence?
Rudy: Oh believe me it was not my decision, I had tickets for the Intergalactic Cup.
My team is on a winning run. Actually it´s our team, you've been there a few times.
Me: What, as a spectator, a player, the ball? No wait, i don´t want to know.
Man, you must have really messed up to be linked with me eh.
Rudy: I've had worse....
We like you.
Me. Oh shucks, you're just saying that you little palooka.
Rudy: I need to tell you why I was sent here while I have time.
Me: More tea?
Rudy: No thank you, I am fine. Listen, it's important you know in advance.
Me: Hold on, telephone. Yes mother, like i said, we will be there on Tuesday.
Bla bla bla bla bla
bla bla bla
Sorry about that, you were saying?
Rudy: That dream you had about white light is a memory of the future.
Like I said, you are all in good clamps.
Me: Yeah, i'll be right with you.
Where did he go?
Of all the inconsiderate rude..
Rudy Goes AWOL
A couple of months later i was sitting watching a late night sci fi movie when there sounded
three soft knocks on our fifth floor window. Pulling the drapes aside i saw Rudy floating outside
with a silly grin on his pale face and wearing some sort of transparent head gear.
Rudy: Are you busy with something?
Me: Christ, get in here before the neighbors see you, you lunatic.
Rudy passes through the window as if he is made of light and hovers down to sit on the couch.
Rudy crossing his thin legs: Have any of that fine Yunnan tea around? I would love a cup or two.
No worries, the neighbors can't see me and if they hear, it's only you talking to yourself again.
Me: Show off. Alright i'll make a batch, but what are you doing here?
i did receive your message, my wife told me. Flash of light dream is memory of the future, got it.
Is everyone on your planet as weird as you are?
Rudy laughing: Planet? We don't need no stinking planets. How many channels on this thing?
Me: 452 and please stop flipping the channels with your head, i can't afford another TV.
So what's the deal, going to explain to me what i am supposed to do about
knowing the apocalyptic future? And what the hell is that thing on your head?
Rudy: Yunnan tea in a mug, one teaspoon of acacia honey and then we'll talk.
Me from the kitchen: You spin me round round baby round round like a record baby round round round round.
Rudy: That's a fun tune, haha we like you.
Me: Ain't i the lucky one. Here's your precious tea. Well?
Rudy: Well what?
Me: What are you doing here?
Rudy: I´m stirring honey into the tea human.
Me glaring at Rudy: My wife took our boy to her mother's place for a few days to think things over. You really messed me up with that foreknowledge crap you pulled on me, she's afraid that i've lost my marbles. You have some explaining to do mister.
Rudy: It's true I do and that's why I'm here.
Me: Okay, i'm all ears.
(Rudy produces a four foot mirror out of a tiny piece of lint and holds it in front of me)
Me horrified: Jesus, i didn't mean literally.
Rudy: Sorry, couldn't resist.
Me: Stop toying with me, i'm a nervous wreck here.
Rudy sipping tea through his face mask: You are of course familiar with the butterfly effect, it is real but connected to thoughts as well as actions and it can be steered for a desired outcome, but most effectively when operated through the most potent senders or butterflies if you will. A few hundred thousand of these special butterflies exist on earth and not all are human but each one has been programmed through dream time suggestions and visits such as the one you received from me earlier with the single purpose of destroying all life on planet earth. You my friend are one of those Monarch butterflies.
Me: Get the fuck outta here.
Rudy: No I´m quite serious, I and my worker friends have been deceived, we have only discovered recently that we have been helping to carry out this terrible plan. That's why I am here now and my friends are visiting others to warn you not to believe in the visions you have had, that they are lies but capable of becoming truths.
Me: Oh that's just wonderful, here i was trying to deflate my ego and be a more humble human being, concentrate on me and my loved ones instead of worrying about this crazy world all the time and you come here sip my tea and casually lay this awesome responsibility on my shoulders. Why do you and your friends care anyway what happens to this world? Wait a minute, by telling me this aren't you committing treason or something, sealing your own doom?
Rudy: We have no choice now, like I said to you before I am linked to you and my friends are linked to others, if you go away so do we. Like never before we have a common interest. The mask I am wearing disguises my thoughts and actions to my superiors, an important precaution.
Me: Alright, can't you just program me with positive visions and problem solved? i really don't want to have any more to do with this directly than i have to.
Rudy: If that were so we wouldn't even be having this conversation now would we? The bosses can monitor all dream time work, there is no way around that, believe me we too wish there was, dealing with you fickle humans in the waking state is not exactly our cup of tea so to speak. No you have to reprogram yourself, I can assist you in suggesting the best ways of doing so but that's about it, the work has to be done by you. If it helps, I can tell you that I have faith in you.
Me: Lets say by some miracle the other butterflies and i manage to reprogram ourselves into happy visionaries and we avert the cataclysm, it won't be long into the process that your bosses will see that something is not right with their plan and they will suspect your friends and you and then it's bye bye Rudy and the world by some other means at their disposal.
Rudy emptying his mug: Let us worry about that, we got ourselves duped into this mess and we don't like it one bit, our responsibility is now to fool our bosses and plan their fall from grace. They may be super intelligent, but they are also vain, arrogant and sure of themselves, we shall use those weaknesses to our advantage. There are greater forces, a higher court which they have to answer to if our plans succeed. Interesting times eh human?
Me from the kitchen: i'm not telling my wife this, she will divorce me for sure.
Rudy: Ahh yes more tea please, but skip the biscuits hahaha. Lets take up lighter chat since we are getting to know each other on a more personal basis. Ask me some silly things.
Me: My head's in a whirl. Okay is there any local musician or artist that's appreciated in your neck of the galaxy?
Rudy: Sure that's an easy one, Iggy Pop is huge, even among those in different time rapidity and those homed in super gravity environments such as Krmtspm race. They are a bizarre higher life form that resemble a big flat yellow slug hahaha.
Me smiling: Yunnan makes you high, right?