Love Notes to a Panic Attack

My heartbeat comes in threes,
And in between
bearing witness to
broken promises and foot and mouth

I could waltz with you forever

In a hall of funhouse mirrors
distorted glass tangling our hands
in a silvery mass
reflection as delicate as dried flowers

because I have forgotten how to thirst

(snap three times)
One two three
One. breathe in
Two, Breathe out
Three, a space to remember
all doubt

every yearbook picture, starry night and stale mate
I can remember the blue turtleneck in fourth grade
but I can’t remember if I’ve eaten today

(snap three times)
Suddenly my steps in a six eight
and although the room spins faster
the steps get easier
spinning into oblivion
hanging like a leaning fencepost

And although you step over me
I still say sorry for your splinters

One, two, three
Delineate, disguise, and disquise every emotion
with the inevitable

swallowing my tears
till my belly’s gorged

devour my story
like a dying star
breathe in, never out

growing out—because the room didn’t get smaller
it was just you.

Wonder why I’ve never felt so alone
why I’ve never called my head a home
I wonder if my mother forgave me for the stain
on my blue picture day sweater

weathering questions, inferences and woes
wonder which way the wind calls home

I would waltz with you forever

One.

Two.

Three.

My heartbeat comes in three
and in between.

the mirror and the wall
I could hear the waltz,
Once floating from a tv set

I have lived, loved you since I was small
branding my reflection
with lines of red and blue

Muscle memory, turned to scars.