deepundergroundpoetry.com
Bleeding Crimson Rain
The moon herself screams in agony
The stars cry for my pain
Mother earth holds me close
As the sky bleeds a crimson rain
My tears shatter on the ground
And the icy liquid freezes over
My own spirit leaves my soul
So I hide under this devilish cover
Darkness envelops my heart
Like a vine grasping a tree
Its burning fingers with such a hold
Pull me under the surface of the sea
The moon herself screams in agony
The stars cry for my pain
Mother earth holds me close
As the sky bleeds a crimson rain
I can't pull myself back up
I've been down much too long
I can't fight alone anymore
Its grip is much too strong
But I've lived in solitude all my life
I have been long forgotten
Now the only one to witness my death
This sphere so long ago begotten
The moon herself screams in agony
The stars cry for my pain
Mother earth holds me close
As the sky bleeds a crimson rain
The stars cry for my pain
Mother earth holds me close
As the sky bleeds a crimson rain
My tears shatter on the ground
And the icy liquid freezes over
My own spirit leaves my soul
So I hide under this devilish cover
Darkness envelops my heart
Like a vine grasping a tree
Its burning fingers with such a hold
Pull me under the surface of the sea
The moon herself screams in agony
The stars cry for my pain
Mother earth holds me close
As the sky bleeds a crimson rain
I can't pull myself back up
I've been down much too long
I can't fight alone anymore
Its grip is much too strong
But I've lived in solitude all my life
I have been long forgotten
Now the only one to witness my death
This sphere so long ago begotten
The moon herself screams in agony
The stars cry for my pain
Mother earth holds me close
As the sky bleeds a crimson rain
Published 10th Jun 2011
| Edited 11th Jun 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
10th Jun 2011 5:29pm
I love the repitition of bleeds a crimson rain. Crimson is such a beautiful word & your use of it here is perfect. Excellent poem!
11th Jun 2011 11:15pm
10th Jun 2011 5:57pm
I can't help but feel this poem is about a woman's monthly cycle (even though I'm pretty sure it's not).
Anyway, period pains aside, I think this poem has some pretty good imagery and some well crafted lines. I agree with the original comment that your use of repetition is good here, sort of gives the poem a lamenting, mournful feel.
Not much in the way of constructive criticism. I'd consider revising the lines:
"I've been long forgotten" and "Is this sphere so long ago begotten"
The first one is too short and the second is too long. So, break out the contraction for "I've" to "I have", which will lengthen that line slightly, and then I would be inclined to remove "Is" from the beginning of the second line. It's still not quite right but it's close. That's my suggestion any way, naturally you can feel free to completely ignore it. :)
Anyway, period pains aside, I think this poem has some pretty good imagery and some well crafted lines. I agree with the original comment that your use of repetition is good here, sort of gives the poem a lamenting, mournful feel.
Not much in the way of constructive criticism. I'd consider revising the lines:
"I've been long forgotten" and "Is this sphere so long ago begotten"
The first one is too short and the second is too long. So, break out the contraction for "I've" to "I have", which will lengthen that line slightly, and then I would be inclined to remove "Is" from the beginning of the second line. It's still not quite right but it's close. That's my suggestion any way, naturally you can feel free to completely ignore it. :)
I've always known the flow was off but wasn't so sure how to fix it, so thank you! And no..it's not about a chick's period lmao
11th Jun 2011 10:59pm
2nd Nov 2012 8:18am
