Deep depths

Good stuff here, lord V

very strong start, the alliteration lends itself to meter and also reads rather well. the spider-silk silver ripples in the inky pool line evokes a wonderful image because I've often observed the said ripples

maybe have a think about replacing 'silvered' two lines down because with all the words available to you  ...or because of all the words available  ..either or, heh heh

but, to be serious for a minute

It's easy to see you've put some thought into what you've written and how you you've written it, there's some technique employed and very rich imagery applied, it's hard to gauge how comfortable you were in its execution. for the most part the flow is remarkable, the lines are very fluid and have solid continuity, but there are a couple of exceptions which are caused by repeating words, including words like 'as' which though small tend to, for me anyway, knock the balance a little. for example the first time you use as would have read better if you used while ..or whilst if you prefer and so each time as is used afterwards it loses something

that said, it's by no means disastrous and if I may say, the poem as it is demonstrates your ability to write in any given mode, structure and technique

I'd chalk this as one which works, and wish you good tidings, good fellow

Why thank you immensely Craic, high praise indeed. This was borne out of a sensation and desire to paint a scene without actually painting and getting frustrated at how the image did not match my mind's eye. As such it had no editing and could do with the modifications you wisely advise. However if you have any word of similar colour silver, it would greatly help; that is why it is repeated. I did not want grey as that speaks too much of dullness, maybe steel in one of those two places.
As to which mode, structure and technique, I was not actually aiming for any and was just writing. Glad it seems they are there somewhere in there!

Many thanks for your words, glad tidings be unto you too.

well, since writing this comment and reading your responce, I've put some thought into trying to come up with an alternative to silvered. today, I finally conceded to myself that I couldn't and came here to confess my failings

...said feeling of failings was somewhat compounded by the realization that you came up with an apt alternative some time ago heh heh

good stuff

Is that humility I hear from you Craic? It is unbecoming of you! It was divine inspiration for the alternative rather than skill, your critique is always welcomed and apt.

http://youtu.be/lXf6wxeMFHc

This poem immediately took me to one of my most favourite clips from one of my most favourite films 'V for Vendetta' in which the main character, Evey, has overcome facing death to be reborn without fear. She stands in the rain completely overcome with freedom. Marvellous stuff.

I love the use of color in this piece. The whole spectrum of hues melded with emotions is a beautiful pathetic fallacy. Hell, I'm gonna go all out and say this is probably my favourite piece that you have ever written.

Thank you for the read.

It is gladdening to hear you say such things. I had almost thought my style of rhyme and colour had left me, but this seems and sounds like a true return to form but with the added benefit of time and experience.
It has been a while since I last saw V, but that scene somewhat conveys my feelings here: a return and rebirth and spiritual understanding. Rain as the calming, refreshing, liberating element in its dark hued glory, bereft of fears and hidden desires so often connected to darkness.

WOW Viddax ~
This is simply gorgeous and powerfully thought provoking!
omg if you were near me I would take you hard body LOL !
Seriously though I loved this...  
Ffs this is beautiful ....  
Write on!
Jackie xoxoxox

I am glad you think so, when I wrote this it just felt right and came charged with a splash of destiny. I managed to drink deep from the well of inspiration it seems to have received such high praise.
If you take me, it will have to be mind, body and soul: got to have a mind to know how to make the body move and got to have soul to meld together completely.

Exacly without the mind there is no connection, Sapiosexual all the way!

Up the Sapiosexual! If you know what I mean...

Well V, you've been given all sorts of comments but I'd just like to say your words formed a movie in my minds eye...truly beautiful and dark though not in a sinster way...they are very moving and in particular the following line

'and obsidian hair harassed backwards from my face'

I love this description '...harassed backwards...'

I am so glad you found it dark and beautiful and moving without being sinister. In my mind's eye is a picture of this and has dark clouds: ominous but not threatening.
When the wind whips furiously my hair, if long enough, becomes harassed and cajoled into sweeping backwards.

the images evoked remind me of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xf66Lmrqk00

it's a very powerful work and while the language does flow, i would personally suggest taking a second look at the overall line breaks and structure. for how fluid your diction is, the syntax could be better. i know you're looking for friendly feedback but i feel like it's stylistically professional and just lacking that extra mile in editing that could get this published. (because it's definitely that good).

I thank you for the critique and link, but do not think I will alter the line breaks. It probably sounds a whole lot better in my mind when read, so would sound better if read. Yet that step is not on the cards anytime soon. Though I can sort of see the slightly disjointed and messy flow the lines have whereas the phrases by themselves flow far better.

Lord V so beautiful is your ink full of delightful images..

such as this..

"spider-silk silver ripples in the inky pools
while onyx clouds clash overhead
with steel-tinged streaks of lightning
and thunder complemented by pale spray
resonating in primal power."

love your Deep Depths..

love Crim

Such delicious dark depths, with such serendipitous company. Words on the theme of primal power must truly be blessed if they gain the notice of the mistress and expert of such styles.

Purely hypnotic, I found myself adrift
..drifting away on your voice speaking
of such gloom only to be tapped..
nudged.with your tone saying:

'hey, do you see the "steel-tinged streaks of lightning"
carrying the force of my message thru the bleu rain'


Bravo, bravo!  L.V,... I loved this a lot

-Howlings

Hypnotic, but far from the clear voice I wished I had, rather than the garbled slur I'm stuck with. I may do another spoken version of my poems some time.

I came back for the very rare Viddax audio. You should do more of these :)

I may, when my fires burn brighter with joy, or dark rage forces me to rant and rave in desperation.