Vulnerability

 
Vulnerability
               
                 that's what you looked for
       saw when you looked at me  
You were so accurate
       in your assessment but you knew that too
                     Didn't you

You watched the 13-year old, vulnerable (did you have any inkling how vulnerable, fresh victim from an old male relative's groping hands?)

walk into your classroom

When did you start to groom? She wasn't your first (not by far)
Most like not your last (guilt-emblazoned scar)

Molestation: the gift that keeps on giving
Year by year
Day by day
Flashback by taut inescapable sudden unexpected memory surge

She's 14
You've decided on a treat
You, 37 (mayhap 38) and your sister (30s too, younger though) want somewhat tender and she's your choice candidate
You've spent a year creating exactly what you want and she'll do as you bid
for she's your creature wholly now looks up to you in every way
You're training her to be "the perfect toy for men"

I'm going about my day today when suddenly it hits.

I'm suffocating, overwhelmed, she's sitting on my face. I know she doesn't care that I can't breathe

I pray they'll be done with me soon
he's fucking me and knows I'm smothering too
I know somewhere in the corner of my mind that they're just using me and this is the first time that I've made that connection in my head at all but that's too much for me just then

I'm scared I'm not going to make it out of this experience alive because she's not letting me breathe no matter how much I eat her disgusting cunt out

She's pressing all her weight on me and she's twice as big as me

Normally, I think everyone is beautiful, no matter size or shape

Today, I just want out
Out from under her
Out from under him
Out from this floor where they've pinned me with their bodies
Out from this life

But, I survive


Abruptly, I'm back
The taste of panic in the back of my throat
Pulse juddering
I'm shuddering violently internally

Externally, I've learned to control this enough to project a semblance of calm.
And, I can dissociate with the best of them

But, to heal, distance is not the answer; if it were, I'd soooo be there

Funny how anger is, how it turns on what may seem the slightest of things
Becomes depression: I've been told that's anger turned inwards; I don't know

The other night, I left the house to pick up a couple items from the store. One of the neighbor guys (I referenced him in "Hey") was outside - the guys were, apparently, drinking.
At any rate, he came over and got between me and my car, asked me why I wouldn't give him a chance and told me he could provide for me

Like I said, he was drunk

Before I answered his queries, he looked more closely at me within the safety lights that flicked on from the building, reached out and ran his finger across my bottom lip then stuck it in his mouth and groaned.

I was so shocked, I jumped back, and began assessing risks and options.

He saw my shock, said, I'm sorry, then said, but your lips they look so good like berries and they taste Ohhh. What do you have on them? Then, he asked me for a kiss.

I promptly said no, got in my car, and he asked through the window, why won't you give me the time of day, I'd take care of you so well. I work and would pay the bills.

I only said, no thank you, was too afraid of escalating the drunken impositions by more vociferous display.

When I returned, I knew he was still there hanging out with his cronies. I had to make it from the car to my apartment door, hands full late at night.

I called a friend was on the phone the whole time I made the trek, both of us aware of every nuance around - thankfully twas uneventful

I remembered later on while recounting the events of the night, my seven-year old self and what her reaction would have been, was, when others teased her or chased her about. How she was known for the fact that she would slap or that she had the sharpest fingernails because she would take no crap

I remembered how I used to have to work very hard to not slap for it was like a reflex action for me and how the more diminished that became, the more vulnerable I became.

And, then it happened, of a sudden with blazing intensity.

I was suffused with anger like a flash fire: how dare he?
How dare he reach out and touch me?
Without enticement. Without encouragement. Without permission.

There was a time when I'd have been flattered by that

That time is gone