Indifferent

I'm not stupid, I know my place
So no emotion will go to waste
Time maybe, but just in case
I'm reminding myself I'll be replaced
There is no hope and no delusion
My mind is not riddled with confusion
I might not always know what I'm doing
But I won't be the one life's fooling
I was thrown away like garbage
Tossed into the dirt so heartless
Picked up for a useful way out of the darkness
Once it's done you'll say "get gone" but
Instead you'll find me lying on the sidewalk
Cars passing by and listening to strangers talk
Coinciding with the traffic is the rushing of my thoughts
Crash and burn, I make the wrong stops
Peaceful contentment I find at roadside signs
I want to roll my body over and cross every line
Threat of danger illuminates me like streetlight glow
I should stay here where it's safe but I really want to go
Drive the old me out and force a new me in
I smell the scent of destruction in the air
But also change where I don't have to care
Appetizing to the soul, a new kind of hunger
So tempted to feel the collision on my skin
The breakdown of me at one with the wreckage
New blood spilling, heart and mind killing
Salivating at the taste for reckless thrills
Where I don't have to feel
And my wants and desires are taken from me
Stripped of who I am to find liberation
I'd let it all float away right now
Because I've no interest in a pointless existence
Or the requirement to make decisions
I think I have the ability to make good ones
But I don't, it's all a choice of perception
Emotions rush in like fresh air, but they're just pollution
A disguise I fall for every time, logic provides no solution
And then I get caught in my own illusions
I'm only seeing what I want to see, so fucking clueless
It's no wonder why I sometimes feel so useless
I am no good for myself I only bring ironic amusement
I want to work with everyone but no one wants to go through it
Understanding could be the death of me as long as I choose it
But if I rid myself of comprehension skills
Tear the empathy and compassion from my heart
I'd still lose life as yet another mindless drone
Slowly dying until I run out of moments
I want to live for more than that
But I don't want to come alive only to be killed
I hate to fall just to pick myself up
It teaches me strength but leaves me in webs of conflict
I'm tired of being tangled in hope and belief
To find my reasons to fight are everything I'll never have
Growth and progress are my greatest self accomplishments
I do treasure them, but how far will they really get me?
Rather than contemplate newness, I'd rather just rest in the numbness
Embrace the cold and make sculptures out of ice
Feeling nothing, doing nothing
Silent voice, thought eliminated by choice
Like a switch
I could shut off
Then reboot as someone different
It would be so much easier
And then maybe one day
If I ever decided it was worth it
I could turn the old me back on again at will
Too bad it's never that simple
Guess I'll just hit pause
And resume at some point
Sleep in hopes to find restfulness
And leave dreaming behind for now
Because when I'm awake I change
For better or for worse
Indifference begs to take me away
To disconnect the part that hurts