A Retrosextive

It took years for Tony to remember what brought him to this moment. He recharged his mind thousands of times with acid and shrooms and other drugs and still found the same skidding path. He could see happening. But it's only then where there is no turning back and he has to play out his demented fantasies.

The spring of 1999 was an interesting year. Lots of firsts. First kiss. First fuck. First love. First seduction by another woman.

Tony was dating Tracey, a hyper girl who laughed at nearly everything. Talked fast with her freckles cheeks moving in unison. He was amused by her. Smitten, really. He never thought about what he could give her in the larger realm of life. He could only promise her laughs and a caring soul. After that, it's what the wind brought.

That day, Tony made a decision that would unknowingly change his life. It seemed casual and innocent, but deep inside he knew it was a risky one. He decided to go visit Sonia, a girl a few years older than him as she was a friend of his sisters. She would come to the house and hang out with his sister and go through the latest Tiger Beat magazine and choose the celebrity they were going to marry and compare them to the high school boys.

He went. Little shy and awkward entering into her house. He forgot how he was even invited or how the opportunity to go to her house happened. But he went. Without his sisters or his girlfriends knowledge. "What do I expect to happen? What do I want from her?" He thought. But he was there. She brought him down the stairs into her tv room. Some minor unforgettable chat which was drowned out by his nerves rattling. She began massaging his shoulders and neck. Which, in hindsight was not a very good job considering current understanding of massage techniques. She was squeezing too hard on the muscles and not allowing the fibers to stretch and separate. Instead she was bunching them together in clumps.

Tony was quieter than he normally is. Smiling at her. Laughing a little at unfunny lines. She would give hugs along the way and commenting on how cute he was. "Thanks" tony remarked without wondering if she was looking for a response in kind.

Time seemed long and he thought of Tracey in those desperate seconds that she is crying or pacing wondering where he was without telling her his whereabouts. He stands up and says politely that he needs to go.

Without hesitation he walks out the door and into his car. A few beads of sweat were wiped off as relief hit him. He drives off and gets home and bee-lines it to the phone and calls Tracey, only to say hello. She wasn't home. He remembered she was at dinner with her family for their grandparents anniversary.

The weeks that followed carried a nagging weight on tony. He wondered what would have become of that if he had full knowledge of the situation. If he had listened to his desires instead of his guilt. The feeling of guilt sat like a circle of thorns around his heart. Perhaps a feeling Tony never wants to feel again.