deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Hobbyist
He never amounted to much
His passion more like an undercurrent
than a fire
Quiet
Kept to himself
Read a lot
Paper boats on the water's surface
He felt he had much to offer
But the world turns even when yours
is sitting still
Muscles ache
Children grown
Tiny cuts to show
Paper yellows in the sunlight
He would sometimes look back
Knowing only in hindsight
What was opportunity
Bargain hunting
For his hobby
Another pad to fold
But folded cranes never fly
His passion more like an undercurrent
than a fire
Quiet
Kept to himself
Read a lot
Paper boats on the water's surface
He felt he had much to offer
But the world turns even when yours
is sitting still
Muscles ache
Children grown
Tiny cuts to show
Paper yellows in the sunlight
He would sometimes look back
Knowing only in hindsight
What was opportunity
Bargain hunting
For his hobby
Another pad to fold
But folded cranes never fly
Published 24th May 2011
| Edited 23rd May 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 9
reading list entries 1
comments 13
reads 1196
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
24th May 2011 7:01pm
A fine piece. The opening stanza is a triumph. The second fallows suite nicely. My only criticism would be the three lines before the finale. Thoroughly enjoyed.
27th May 2011 8:24pm
That was my concern as well but just two lines, not the three. Not sure what to do yet, still. I'll let it simmer for a bit.
Anonymous
25th May 2011 00:20am
I think you need an "an" before "opportunity". Other than that this piece is fine in my opinion. I especially love the line "paper yellows in the sunlight."
27th May 2011 7:52pm
I actually disagree with the \'an\' being put there..
\'\'Knowing only in hindsight
What was opportunity\'\'
Seems more \'open\' than if \'an\' was in there.
Maybe i am reading it a little differently at that part but to me it is perfect as it is
\'\'Knowing only in hindsight
What was opportunity\'\'
Seems more \'open\' than if \'an\' was in there.
Maybe i am reading it a little differently at that part but to me it is perfect as it is
27th May 2011 8:23pm
Anonymous
- Edited 9th Jun 2011 6:13am
28th May 2011 5:39am
<< post removed >>
Hooked me from line one and kept my brain swirling the entire way through. Nice piece dude.
22nd Jun 2011 2:13am
Anonymous
28th Jun 2011 4:30am
Really enjoyed this one. It's got some good lines, captures a mood (one of them, don't know which though).
Only critique I have is the "grow/show" rhyme, not even the meaning, just the rhyme. It kinda threw me off.
Only critique I have is the "grow/show" rhyme, not even the meaning, just the rhyme. It kinda threw me off.
30th Aug 2011 2:43am
i am dign dat selection mr mad....i hav ritten on everything from notebooks 2 cardboard 2 bank slips....real talk....a tru riter wil rite on anything he can find at dat moment of inspiration....gr8 work....
2nd Oct 2011 9:05am
The first stanza traps me and the third leaves me confused, I'm glad the last brought it back to Earth. Well done, PTM - as always.
25th Dec 2011 8:37am
PierreTheMad
Bows!
It will take its time.
To sink. To mix. To recombine.
Powerful.
Curtsy,
S'
Bows!
It will take its time.
To sink. To mix. To recombine.
Powerful.
Curtsy,
S'
