deepundergroundpoetry.com
Perfect [Obsession] v.2
I'm still reeling; hunted by his words written in lust, seething, heartbreak, but most a hunger for more; these words that create such tantalizing strings of explanation to unveil cravings of the human heart--
A seeing
[/font]
They reveal me. As the white satin drips off my shoulders, I dip my toes into this stagnant mirror abandoned and forgotten by a child to catch a very different reflection- new curves, marks innocence less. I see what magic has been lingering there never unearthed- the simmering glow of molten stone under cover of cold, clear blue; I see the stifling lies- and the light.
No
I'll never be that bleach blonde Barbie doll it was assumed I would aspire to be,
but then, neither will I be the dark artist I've always admired and envied for
their gift.
Tepid
Passion in the every day eludes me. I have become numb. Numbed myself to the
onslaught of whatever I perceived as pain and as a result have become an
analyst. Not completely dead, but on the way there picking and checking
even you, as I go along.
Ha!
What a relief! What a completely disastrous relief to see it come crumbling
down. To watch as all the checks and controls explode from their lofty
places and concuss me enough to lower my inhibitions:
the defences erected in the jaded anticipation of another war
Another day
Bring me no offerings of peace, I don't need them any more. I've already
surrendered-- begging with my body for another bite; asking, without words, that you grind all you have into all my desire and rip away anything that dares
to shield my skin from your lips.
Unabated joy and strawberry-milkshake love again,
freedom from our home-grown habitual expectations.
This obsession has taken over my very core
and the controls are past breaking.
Perfect.[/font][/font]
A seeing
[/font]
They reveal me. As the white satin drips off my shoulders, I dip my toes into this stagnant mirror abandoned and forgotten by a child to catch a very different reflection- new curves, marks innocence less. I see what magic has been lingering there never unearthed- the simmering glow of molten stone under cover of cold, clear blue; I see the stifling lies- and the light.
No
I'll never be that bleach blonde Barbie doll it was assumed I would aspire to be,
but then, neither will I be the dark artist I've always admired and envied for
their gift.
Tepid
Passion in the every day eludes me. I have become numb. Numbed myself to the
onslaught of whatever I perceived as pain and as a result have become an
analyst. Not completely dead, but on the way there picking and checking
even you, as I go along.
Ha!
What a relief! What a completely disastrous relief to see it come crumbling
down. To watch as all the checks and controls explode from their lofty
places and concuss me enough to lower my inhibitions:
the defences erected in the jaded anticipation of another war
Another day
Bring me no offerings of peace, I don't need them any more. I've already
surrendered-- begging with my body for another bite; asking, without words, that you grind all you have into all my desire and rip away anything that dares
to shield my skin from your lips.
Unabated joy and strawberry-milkshake love again,
freedom from our home-grown habitual expectations.
This obsession has taken over my very core
and the controls are past breaking.
Perfect.[/font][/font]
Published 2nd Oct 2010
| Edited 25th Feb 2018
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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2nd Oct 2010 10:05pm
I'm still reeling,
haunted by his words that ring
over and over in my head
changing my perspectives and thrashing my reality.
These words that create strings of explanation,
that reveal cravings of the heart--
good though the line;
over and over in my head. doesn't for me compare to "written in lust" which was one of the great lines.
abandoned and forgotten by a child,
I see the reflection of a woman- ;
presuming you talk of moving into adulthood would "the child" work better.
no<---great addition
----------------------------------------------
i must say you are brave with the edit. i think the extra verse you created works well the " no" being a genuine statement.
in the original format we were led along your journey in to woman hood. of surrender, of the realization of who you are and what you desire.
this format completely changes now it drags us, it has more punch from the 1st person perspective. it's no longer a story though in reality it is.
is it better? i think so, is the original worse? i don't think so.
i think what you've done is create two different poems with almost the same words.
thanks for the read again ;)
haunted by his words that ring
over and over in my head
changing my perspectives and thrashing my reality.
These words that create strings of explanation,
that reveal cravings of the heart--
good though the line;
over and over in my head. doesn't for me compare to "written in lust" which was one of the great lines.
abandoned and forgotten by a child,
I see the reflection of a woman- ;
presuming you talk of moving into adulthood would "the child" work better.
no<---great addition
----------------------------------------------
i must say you are brave with the edit. i think the extra verse you created works well the " no" being a genuine statement.
in the original format we were led along your journey in to woman hood. of surrender, of the realization of who you are and what you desire.
this format completely changes now it drags us, it has more punch from the 1st person perspective. it's no longer a story though in reality it is.
is it better? i think so, is the original worse? i don't think so.
i think what you've done is create two different poems with almost the same words.
thanks for the read again ;)
3rd Oct 2010 00:17am
thank yoooou! haha [: i agree it's quite a change, which is why i didn't replace the other one. i'll see what i can do.. but maybe another day.
3rd Oct 2010 2:30am
don't do too much though and keep them as two separates. they both have great qualities.
4th Oct 2010 2:08am
I like v.2 better mainly because its 'A seeing' stanza works so much
better with the rest of the piece. I prefer 'a child' because it denotes
a greater separation of child from woman (and denotes a commonality with
all children).
But the poem-like grouping of stanzas in v.2 seems a bit too controlled;
I prefer the gushy, prose-like lines of v.1, as they make the writer
appear less in control which fits better with the content. (Though
breaking the prose-like lines at around 70 characters for readability
wouldn't be a bad idea.)
About the first stanza:
#1
I'm still reeling- constant- haunted by his words. Written in lust, seething, heartbreak, but most
desire and an insatiable thirst for more.
#2
I'm still reeling,
haunted by his words that ring
over and over in my head
mangling my perspectives and thrashing my reality.
These words that create strings of explanation,
that reveal cravings of the heart--
'insatiable thirst' is a little much. I'd usually place 'written in
lust' in this category too, but, like Billy, I love how it's used here.
'ring over and over in my head' is a bit tired. (so is 'haunted by his
words', but, like the 'lust' one, 'haunted...' works fine for me.)
The addition I really like is 'These words that create strings of
explanation, that reveal cravings of the heart--' though maybe 'strings
of explanation for the cravings of the heart' or even 'strings of
provocation for the cravings of my heart' would work as well...
When I read either version, it's the 'Tepid' stanza that really gets my attention.
The lines ending with '...and as a result have become an analyst.' are just
wonderful. Adding 'even you,' to #1's 'picking and checking as I go along.'
is very interesting. I like the complexity it might add, but I'm not sure
about the 'him' in the first stanza and the 'you's in the last. Who is that him?
Who are those yous?
fav's also:
'Ha! / What a relief! What a completely disastrous relief,...'
'Bring me no offerings of peace, I don't need them any more...'
you guys are invaluable with your input!
okay, so in stanza #1 v.1:
if i chanaged "insatiable thirst" to just "thirsting" do you think that would be better? i changed them both from "yearning" because i DO hate cliches as much as they seem to slip into my stuff. (i blame it on lack of experience...and not lack of creativity haha) and what if i just sort of edited v.1 to be better in the ways v.2 is better(i.e. better imagery for stanza 2, more melding between stanza 1 and "A seeing")? it's just driving me nuts not having one of them be better than the other!
i definitely prefer the running stanzas of v.1 better to the poetry format that i put into v.2, but that comes down to copy/paste laziness and that will be fixed.
the 'him' refers to the writer of the words...in v.1 i had the poet who inspired me, the 'you' is the subject onto which the inspiration was projected. i had taken someone else's words and applied them to my life, my relationship (rocky at the time), adjusting myself, that sort of thing. that's what all this is about! haha i might be able to change it to be more ambiguous...i'll have to look into that a bit deeper.
ray, you're fab, thank you! [:
okay, so in stanza #1 v.1:
if i chanaged "insatiable thirst" to just "thirsting" do you think that would be better? i changed them both from "yearning" because i DO hate cliches as much as they seem to slip into my stuff. (i blame it on lack of experience...and not lack of creativity haha) and what if i just sort of edited v.1 to be better in the ways v.2 is better(i.e. better imagery for stanza 2, more melding between stanza 1 and "A seeing")? it's just driving me nuts not having one of them be better than the other!
i definitely prefer the running stanzas of v.1 better to the poetry format that i put into v.2, but that comes down to copy/paste laziness and that will be fixed.
the 'him' refers to the writer of the words...in v.1 i had the poet who inspired me, the 'you' is the subject onto which the inspiration was projected. i had taken someone else's words and applied them to my life, my relationship (rocky at the time), adjusting myself, that sort of thing. that's what all this is about! haha i might be able to change it to be more ambiguous...i'll have to look into that a bit deeper.
ray, you're fab, thank you! [:
if you don't see a reply for i while, i just wanted you to know that i harbor good intentions. have to go off and do actual work :(
and yeah, two versions, soon to be three, four; a poem is finished not when it's perfect, but when you really can't stand it anymore...
uh but then, you come back to it a year or so later and just have
to mess with it again so i guess it's never finished until you die.
(though then maybe someone else sees it and steals it, and ends
up with the same problems... :)
and yeah, two versions, soon to be three, four; a poem is finished not when it's perfect, but when you really can't stand it anymore...
uh but then, you come back to it a year or so later and just have
to mess with it again so i guess it's never finished until you die.
(though then maybe someone else sees it and steals it, and ends
up with the same problems... :)
Anonymous
8th Oct 2010 5:12pm
I read this aloud to myself, and the experience was wonderful. Each line is perfectly carved and expressive, and often this reads like good prose. A real treat for the eyes and the ears. Two minor issues: "his words that resonate" seems a bit cliche, and I think you meant "stagnant mirror" ("stagnate" is a verb).
Also, I think you're an excellent dark artist, and that your envy is misplaced. :]
Also, I think you're an excellent dark artist, and that your envy is misplaced. :]
8th Oct 2010 5:25pm
thank you so much for your kind words! your critique/feedback is invited and appreciated at any time on any of my work (or play). [:
30th Nov 2010 6:39pm
Anonymous
26th Jan 2011 9:30pm
must have been good before the edits, because its fantastic now.
original, intense and damned incisive.
It pricked my interest..held it and stole it away by the end of the pome (mis-spelt deliberatly..thats how Mr Kerouac used to describe them)
S
original, intense and damned incisive.
It pricked my interest..held it and stole it away by the end of the pome (mis-spelt deliberatly..thats how Mr Kerouac used to describe them)
S
26th Jan 2011 9:35pm
wow, thank you! i keep coming back to it. v.1 is the first poem i ever posted for anyone to read anywhere, and it's been edited since its beginnings as well, but not so much as to lose its feel. what a great compliment, thanks. [:
