So, how are we all?
I have had an interesting month so far, actually. As per the advice of someone dear to me... I saw a therapist to help me deal with anxiety in social situations, amongst other things, and she told me that I was probably the most honestly mentally healthy person she ever counseled, despite some of my issues (mostly regarding some struggles I have with depression and general social awkwardness). She did acknowledge that I am indeed very childlike (it does not come across a lot in my writings quite so much, but it is there if you look deeply at certain things I have written), something people in my offline life have told me they noticed very strongly... and that I have dyscalculia, which basically means my brain cannot comprehend math in the normal ways that most people's brains can. Luckily, she has a lot of experience with counselling children, which was why she was the therapist that was recommended for me. I am basically like a big kid who just happens to be hyper smart in every way except for my inability to understand math in conventional ways, while also being on a whole other level spiritually than everyone else in my life (probably the area I am the smartest in). I am kind of contradictory in that though I have a hard time trusting new people... even so, I tend to develop crushes easy and fall in love easily, and once I get to know someone and vice versa I open up big time and tend to tell them perhaps too much about me more often than not. Despite feeling intense awkwardness in social situations. Luckily, I studied a whole lot of psychology and psychiatry back when I was in school... back when I thought seriously about becoming a psychotherapist myself someday! So oddly, my therapist ended up telling me as much about her as I did about me, since I tend to have this effect on people where they feel like I am so easy to talk to, that they can just open up and tell me anything. Kind of like how people feel around a good therapist. I any case, the thing I am learning the most is that I should not feel funny about having the childlike aspect to me... it is just how I am... so I have to learn to live with it and accept that despite my physical age I am probably never going to fully grow up mentally or emotionally. And I should never even attempt remotely, any tasks or jobs in life that require math skills since with me that is just never happening. I remember taking a test once, and it said that mentally I am at the youngest eight and at the oldest fourteen. With me coming off acting a whole lot like a twelve or thirteen-year-old most of the time. So, my first several sessions with the therapist were mostly about all of that... and learning to love myself for who and how I am, so that I will not repeat some of the mistakes I made in the past, such as trying to be different ways for different people. Which never ended well, to put it kindly! Other than that, things have been mostly business as usual in my life. Just finished my latest written work today and put it up. That was something else I told my therapist about... my prolific writings, and how I have uploaded now well over 600 of them over the years here on DUP, and how I have done a ton of art (along with other, longer [novella-length] writings) over at DeviantArt. She was amazed by that, and said I should be published, though I did explain to her why I am not: my writings are just not mainstream enough for most publishers. She said something very true about that: "That is because your works have so much uniqueness and variety to them, and most publishers just prefer things more boring and derivative and therefore easier to market." Her exact words on the subject, not mine. Now, while I would not say that most publishers today like to print boring stuff (that is kind of a subjective opinion on her part, really), I must agree that my works are very different and more the kind of thing that is easier to self-publish in the end, which I why I upload it here and on DeviantArt. At any rate, it was good to hear her compliment my works like that, since I do pour a lot of my heart and soul into them. As for today, just chilling out around the house and keeping busy with various projects. It is one of those days where I would seem to have a great deal of free time to do things within.
Anonymous
<< post removed >>
@kou_indigo
Hoi hoi
Same here, minus the depression parts.
I react very open to most things I come across, which in general (often) is linked with something fresh and childish. We have to manoeuvre in a careful way not to be too open. So we don’t filter as much as most people.
I didn’t even know the English word for dyscalculie in English. When writing my poems or lyrics, I count the syllables on my left hand while at the same writing with my right hand.
I am a ‘beelddenker’, which means that my brains work the other way around. Most people use words to paint a picture. I see the picture right before me and have to search for the words to describe what I see.
Many many aspects of what you write are about me as well.
A very special experience it is anyway! I never had this before in my life.
I am glad you shared it!
Thank you so much!
Kind regards, Gus
Hoi hoi
Same here, minus the depression parts.
I react very open to most things I come across, which in general (often) is linked with something fresh and childish. We have to manoeuvre in a careful way not to be too open. So we don’t filter as much as most people.
I didn’t even know the English word for dyscalculie in English. When writing my poems or lyrics, I count the syllables on my left hand while at the same writing with my right hand.
I am a ‘beelddenker’, which means that my brains work the other way around. Most people use words to paint a picture. I see the picture right before me and have to search for the words to describe what I see.
Many many aspects of what you write are about me as well.
A very special experience it is anyway! I never had this before in my life.
I am glad you shared it!
Thank you so much!
Kind regards, Gus
Howdy, ya'll. Hope everyone's doing well. I recently started a new job at a theater bistro, and the past three weeks this show has been running have been a crazy blur! We've sold out of almost all of our food and drinks, and are now only allowed to take the big rolling carts to the furthest, slowest, of the two elevators, so everything takes at least three times longer, and now my everything aches. On top of all of that, I've got terrible social anxiety and imposter syndrome, and I've got a crush on a coworker and I've been too afraid to talk to him at all. 
Then I was cyber-bullied about that crush, by people who are sad, angry, individuals (but they will no longer have an effect on me, I got my anger out in my last poem). Luckily, everyone is now off from the theater for two weeks until the next show, so we can all rest. I'm gonna sleep hard. 
Then I was cyber-bullied about that crush, by people who are sad, angry, individuals (but they will no longer have an effect on me, I got my anger out in my last poem). Luckily, everyone is now off from the theater for two weeks until the next show, so we can all rest. I'm gonna sleep hard. After a couple of weeks a poem with scare quotes peeked out from behind the curtain and began climbing the jenga tower of creativity. This was around 3 a.m. last night and the poem came belching and fussing and cussing its way out. ‘Twas terrible. 18 poets in scare quotes read it w/o like or comment which was kind and appropriate. I awoke resolved to get that damned thing outta sight asap and did so. But an Angel having nothing better to do troubled the waters (and how many of you slip right on by this fairly well-known Biblical allusion w/o recognition) prompting up off the bed into rewrite. It’s still not finished, but at least it’s recognizable as a poem. At least for those with ii2c.
So you’re at least in the mix, doing your thing and hanging out with creativity. That’s a win right there, Ms. Orc-Pirate. I plan to check out your poetry real soon and will be kind and supportive. I near 80 years, so much of my work hangs out with thank-you poems, wish-I’d-paid-you-more-attention poems. And regret poems. Why wasn’t I kinder and is it too late. So…dear Ms Orc Poet, here’s wishing you the best. Just the right amount of bummers to keep you on your toes and a heart full of breathlessness at the beauty of the sublimity which exists all around us. You go, girl!
Mrd said:So you’re at least in the mix, doing your thing and hanging out with creativity. That’s a win right there, Ms. Orc-Pirate. I plan to check out your poetry real soon and will be kind and supportive. I near 80 years, so much of my work hangs out with thank-you poems, wish-I’d-paid-you-more-attention poems. And regret poems. Why wasn’t I kinder and is it too late. So…dear Ms Orc Poet, here’s wishing you the best. Just the right amount of bummers to keep you on your toes and a heart full of breathlessness at the beauty of the sublimity which exists all around us. You go, girl!
I wasn't necessarily trying to promote my stuff, just venting a bit, but thanks, I appreciate it. My works are varied across many topics, so there should be a little somethin' for everyone. I know the best is yet to come, and all will work out.
I wasn't necessarily trying to promote my stuff, just venting a bit, but thanks, I appreciate it. My works are varied across many topics, so there should be a little somethin' for everyone. I know the best is yet to come, and all will work out.
JiltedJohnny said:@kou_indigo
Hoi hoi
Same here, minus the depression parts.
I react very open to most things I come across, which in general (often) is linked with something fresh and childish. We have to manoeuvre in a careful way not to be too open. So we don’t filter as much as most people.
I didn’t even know the English word for dyscalculie in English. When writing my poems or lyrics, I count the syllables on my left hand while at the same writing with my right hand.
I am a ‘beelddenker’, which means that my brains work the other way around. Most people use words to paint a picture. I see the picture right before me and have to search for the words to describe what I see.
Many many aspects of what you write are about me as well.
A very special experience it is anyway! I never had this before in my life.
I am glad you shared it!
Thank you so much!
Kind regards, Gus
Very pleased to meet you, Gus! Yeah, I had no idea how to spell Dyscalculia until only recently... I used to actually think it was spelt Discalcula, which actually when I really, really think deeply about it sounds an awful lot like a vampire who is really bad at math. Lol! In any case, one of the biggest things in life that had caused me to be unable to grow up in certain ways... aside from my brain being just wired this way... was from various traumas and tortures I went through during my childhood. From being abused while in a Catholic school from first grade until fourth, to being put in a very terrible program when I was twelve that used all kinds of sadistic abuses and literal tortures in order to basically brainwash kids for nefarious purposes (I have a strong will, so they could not break or brainwash me at all, which just made them try harder to hurt me even more); plus having to deal with my mother's boyfriends of the week abusing me whenever they had a mind to all the way up until I had turned seventeen and they got too scared to push me around for fear I'd beat the crap out of them (by that point, I had already studied and mastered three different kinds of martial arts, though I swore only to ever use them in self-defense and have kept that vow perfectly)... it all kind of came to a head when I turned sixteen and multiple horrible things happened in my life that year, the worst of them all being the death of my first love, a girl named Andrea, who was murdered by her own father. After that, I lost it completely for a good year and following that I was never quite the same again... I developed a nervous condition that kept me from being able to get a driver's license, basically when I get super nervous my hands shake and I kind of freeze up, which is dangerous if you are behind a vehicle's wheel. I can always calm myself down quickly enough to steady my nerves, but my driving instructor told me it was bad enough (especially with the whole momentary freezing up thing) that driving was not on the table for me in life. So, everyone I've dated or been romantically involved with since then, they always have to be able to drive... since I am not able to. So yeah, all of that kind of piled up on me in life (and a whole lot of other things too) to the point where I ended up just not being able to mature completely like most people can. For one instance... there was this one year when someone I was in love with at the time made me seriously think they were leaving me because their mother did not approve of me. The way they broke up with me (though they ended up getting back with me later on) drove me into a state where for two weeks I could not think clearly and all I did was sit on the floor of the living room in my house and play with my dolls, in between obsessing over watering my flowers outside, fearing they were going to die and leave me all alone. My grandmother was taking care of me at the time, and between her and my brother they did not know what to do for me. Then, one of my friends... a girl named Laurie (who I would later have a falling out with because of totally unrelated reasons) basically got ahold of the person who had broken up with me online and said to him something to the effect of: "Hey, look what you did! You broke her even more, are you proud of yourself?" and he got back with me after that, said to heck with what his mother thought, and helped me come back to my senses again. He's been caring for me ever since, and we've put that incident well and truly out of our minds and gotten past it, thank heavens. So yeah, I pretty much react to being hurt the way a child does, every single time. Which is why the people who love me tend to be very, very protective of me. I have a few other odd issues too that cannot be helped in life... for instance, sometimes I will laugh or cry for no apparent reason or at inappropriate moments (a therapist I saw when I was fourteen told me I was emotionally messed up). And it is all very messed up indeed... like, I will just want to cry my heart out when something truly horrible happens, and if it is something truly mind-bogglingly awful then I will start laughing kind of crazily sometimes... rather than actually crying like I would want to; or should be doing. And sometimes, I will just get so overcome with certain emotions that I can lose control of them, and in those moments... I could laugh or cry, or both at the same time even, going from one right into the other. Luckly, the people who love me know how to keep me very happy so that I do not often get like that... but when I do, they do also know how to calm me very well, which is good. I also used to have a problem with depression and self-loathing that was so bad, it actually drove me to harm myself in potentially gruesome ways. Such as cutting my wrists, from my wrists all the way to my elbows (which oddly enough healed right up every time due to my body's odd capacity for healing itself from things that probably should have killed me); or, in the worst example of them all, there was a time when I actually tried to cut my own face off with a razor when I thought I was ugly and nobody would ever love me. I was actually with someone at the time, too, but they were treating me badly at the time (outright physically abusing me actually, to be honest), so it drove me ridiculously bonkers, and made me just want to harm myself horrifically. I was very lucky in that what damage I did (and it was horrible at the time, I have to admit it); it ended up healing perfectly and without even so much as a scratch to show for it. That was the last time I ever self-harmed or did cutting to try and kill my pain. After that, I learned that I was worth more than that... and that pain does not kill pain, it only makes it worse by a lot. So, I have been through some very, very dark and brutal things in life. Which is why it was kind of a shock to me when I was told by my therapist: "Hey, you're pretty mentally healthy!" But I guess since I learned how to deal with all of my issues prior to seeing her, that is pretty good. A lot of people with issues like mine never learn to handle them nearly as well. If at all! So, I've been through literal Hell but still managed to come through it reasonably enough. I cannot say the same for poor Laurie, who ended up in stuck in a psychiatric institute years ago after an incident in her own life that made her go crazy (and talk only in science equations for a while). Guess there is always somebody with worse problems! Lol. 
Hoi hoi
Same here, minus the depression parts.
I react very open to most things I come across, which in general (often) is linked with something fresh and childish. We have to manoeuvre in a careful way not to be too open. So we don’t filter as much as most people.
I didn’t even know the English word for dyscalculie in English. When writing my poems or lyrics, I count the syllables on my left hand while at the same writing with my right hand.
I am a ‘beelddenker’, which means that my brains work the other way around. Most people use words to paint a picture. I see the picture right before me and have to search for the words to describe what I see.
Many many aspects of what you write are about me as well.
A very special experience it is anyway! I never had this before in my life.
I am glad you shared it!
Thank you so much!
Kind regards, Gus
Very pleased to meet you, Gus! Yeah, I had no idea how to spell Dyscalculia until only recently... I used to actually think it was spelt Discalcula, which actually when I really, really think deeply about it sounds an awful lot like a vampire who is really bad at math. Lol!
In any case, one of the biggest things in life that had caused me to be unable to grow up in certain ways... aside from my brain being just wired this way... was from various traumas and tortures I went through during my childhood. From being abused while in a Catholic school from first grade until fourth, to being put in a very terrible program when I was twelve that used all kinds of sadistic abuses and literal tortures in order to basically brainwash kids for nefarious purposes (I have a strong will, so they could not break or brainwash me at all, which just made them try harder to hurt me even more); plus having to deal with my mother's boyfriends of the week abusing me whenever they had a mind to all the way up until I had turned seventeen and they got too scared to push me around for fear I'd beat the crap out of them (by that point, I had already studied and mastered three different kinds of martial arts, though I swore only to ever use them in self-defense and have kept that vow perfectly)... it all kind of came to a head when I turned sixteen and multiple horrible things happened in my life that year, the worst of them all being the death of my first love, a girl named Andrea, who was murdered by her own father. After that, I lost it completely for a good year and following that I was never quite the same again... I developed a nervous condition that kept me from being able to get a driver's license, basically when I get super nervous my hands shake and I kind of freeze up, which is dangerous if you are behind a vehicle's wheel. I can always calm myself down quickly enough to steady my nerves, but my driving instructor told me it was bad enough (especially with the whole momentary freezing up thing) that driving was not on the table for me in life. So, everyone I've dated or been romantically involved with since then, they always have to be able to drive... since I am not able to. So yeah, all of that kind of piled up on me in life (and a whole lot of other things too) to the point where I ended up just not being able to mature completely like most people can. For one instance... there was this one year when someone I was in love with at the time made me seriously think they were leaving me because their mother did not approve of me. The way they broke up with me (though they ended up getting back with me later on) drove me into a state where for two weeks I could not think clearly and all I did was sit on the floor of the living room in my house and play with my dolls, in between obsessing over watering my flowers outside, fearing they were going to die and leave me all alone. My grandmother was taking care of me at the time, and between her and my brother they did not know what to do for me. Then, one of my friends... a girl named Laurie (who I would later have a falling out with because of totally unrelated reasons) basically got ahold of the person who had broken up with me online and said to him something to the effect of: "Hey, look what you did! You broke her even more, are you proud of yourself?" and he got back with me after that, said to heck with what his mother thought, and helped me come back to my senses again. He's been caring for me ever since, and we've put that incident well and truly out of our minds and gotten past it, thank heavens. So yeah, I pretty much react to being hurt the way a child does, every single time. Which is why the people who love me tend to be very, very protective of me. I have a few other odd issues too that cannot be helped in life... for instance, sometimes I will laugh or cry for no apparent reason or at inappropriate moments (a therapist I saw when I was fourteen told me I was emotionally messed up). And it is all very messed up indeed... like, I will just want to cry my heart out when something truly horrible happens, and if it is something truly mind-bogglingly awful then I will start laughing kind of crazily sometimes... rather than actually crying like I would want to; or should be doing. And sometimes, I will just get so overcome with certain emotions that I can lose control of them, and in those moments... I could laugh or cry, or both at the same time even, going from one right into the other. Luckly, the people who love me know how to keep me very happy so that I do not often get like that... but when I do, they do also know how to calm me very well, which is good. I also used to have a problem with depression and self-loathing that was so bad, it actually drove me to harm myself in potentially gruesome ways. Such as cutting my wrists, from my wrists all the way to my elbows (which oddly enough healed right up every time due to my body's odd capacity for healing itself from things that probably should have killed me); or, in the worst example of them all, there was a time when I actually tried to cut my own face off with a razor when I thought I was ugly and nobody would ever love me. I was actually with someone at the time, too, but they were treating me badly at the time (outright physically abusing me actually, to be honest), so it drove me ridiculously bonkers, and made me just want to harm myself horrifically. I was very lucky in that what damage I did (and it was horrible at the time, I have to admit it); it ended up healing perfectly and without even so much as a scratch to show for it. That was the last time I ever self-harmed or did cutting to try and kill my pain. After that, I learned that I was worth more than that... and that pain does not kill pain, it only makes it worse by a lot. So, I have been through some very, very dark and brutal things in life. Which is why it was kind of a shock to me when I was told by my therapist: "Hey, you're pretty mentally healthy!" But I guess since I learned how to deal with all of my issues prior to seeing her, that is pretty good. A lot of people with issues like mine never learn to handle them nearly as well. If at all! So, I've been through literal Hell but still managed to come through it reasonably enough. I cannot say the same for poor Laurie, who ended up in stuck in a psychiatric institute years ago after an incident in her own life that made her go crazy (and talk only in science equations for a while). Guess there is always somebody with worse problems! Lol.
Anonymous
Fabulous. I’ve just been in the forest / the moors for the last week. It’s been pure introverted bliss.
Anonymous
Wafflenose said:I'm beyond pissed off with Heat now. It's night time here. It's 27C outside and 27C inside. No breeze, no air, no rainfall, drought, URGH. We're going to a beach tomorrow so that I can spend the day in the sea. Enough already.
I know what you mean. Bit pissed off with it myself. Moist is a fkn understatement right now.
Make of that what you will. 🤣
I know what you mean. Bit pissed off with it myself. Moist is a fkn understatement right now.
Make of that what you will. 🤣
Hoi hoi
Am I the only one who believes my prayers are answered?
If only you could see my allotment garden. Only some 100 meters from the Amstel (remember Amsterdam?) it’s perfectly possible to keep the soil just moist enough as the result of water seepage.
So much is still in bloom, you wouldn’t believe it.
Apart from all this bliss, it teaches me a philosophical lesson. Slow down a bit. Be more patient. Drink more water or tea.
The cooperation with Faithmairee (DUP) and the Devine Ms R. (The Netherlands) is really going places.
And with the preparations happening of going to travel with our new small tent for some 6 or 7 weeks, I’m in a real good place.
As in: a very very good place.
Kind regards, Gus
Am I the only one who believes my prayers are answered?
If only you could see my allotment garden. Only some 100 meters from the Amstel (remember Amsterdam?) it’s perfectly possible to keep the soil just moist enough as the result of water seepage.
So much is still in bloom, you wouldn’t believe it.
Apart from all this bliss, it teaches me a philosophical lesson. Slow down a bit. Be more patient. Drink more water or tea.
The cooperation with Faithmairee (DUP) and the Devine Ms R. (The Netherlands) is really going places.
And with the preparations happening of going to travel with our new small tent for some 6 or 7 weeks, I’m in a real good place.
As in: a very very good place.
Kind regards, Gus
Hoi hoi @Kou_Indigo
When I read this, and I did that a couple of times to take it all in, maybe I may suggest that taking care of the people I love, writing songs and my allotment garden… these are the things I found very much healing.
And apart from some gentle things (like these x not substances or alcohol) to take some of the edges off, I would quietly go on my way if I were in your shoes.
Take good care of yourself please. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t possibly be there for others.
Kind regards, Gus
When I read this, and I did that a couple of times to take it all in, maybe I may suggest that taking care of the people I love, writing songs and my allotment garden… these are the things I found very much healing.
And apart from some gentle things (like these x not substances or alcohol) to take some of the edges off, I would quietly go on my way if I were in your shoes.
Take good care of yourself please. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t possibly be there for others.
Kind regards, Gus
