Mental Moments

My Mind

Sometimes I feel trapped in my mind
Endless stream of thoughts and anxiety combined
I yearn to escape but then I tell myself I'm fine
Delusional drifts
A perpetual decline
In mental distress over things I can't control
Melancholy  
Can't help but keep and carry on  
I struggle and strive  
Can't help the person who's inside  
So I try to help others through conversation I provide  
Stuck all the time
If I escape where would I go?
Will I lose my mind?
I'd hate to say but probably so
There's no way to hide
I can't run from what I'm thinking  
I control my thoughts
Just as well as I do blinking
Cognitive dissonance
What position am I taking?
Conflicting beliefs  
I'm paranoid or either crazy
But still have those days when everything is going smoothly
I listen to music cause' it's the only thing that soothes me
In such discord
I'm trying to get my shit together
I believe if I can
I'd make the situation better

"Nut Case"
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/images/uploads/poemimages/61281.jpg
I’ve been shucked all my life.
Cracked deep inside, I cry,
I try, I cry, and I try again.
Still, I’m hung out to dry, dyed.
Feels like salt has been  
poured in my wounds, but,
I have a delicious flavor for living.
Though I live in an empty shell, I’m
patiently waiting to be bagged, finely  
chopped, to be added to a new recipe.
Candied or spiced nuts anyone?

Blue Devil Depression


his presence is repulsive
but he’s beautiful to me  
soothing and distressful all at once  

he stands before me  
arms out stretched  
urging me to take his hand  

and I do  

slowly he peels my innocent skin  
and exposes my raw flesh  
that he infects with psychosis  

scabs begin to form  
and he ushers me  
into his brutality  

he lusts upon my blemished soul  
while he fucks himself  
and reminds me  
that nothing but frantic rage lives  
among my forever stained eyes  

I try to cover my shame  
and make myself a shield from the fiery brimstone  

my hopeless screams of repentance  
echo and cloud my thoughts  

I beg for just one drop of mercy  
and to please kill the worms  
that feast upon my heart  
and continually gnaw through my bones  

my desperate pleas anger him  
and arouse him  

he throws me by the neck  
further into the fire  

he’ll never release me  

my pain is too pleasurable  
for both of us  

I am his black rose now  
and he knows  

this is where I thrive  
this is where I want to be  
and this is where I belong

I walk in circles when I think, when I don't my mind gets twisted, smoke weed to stay sane, irony is my middle name, wearing a mask made of flesh, is life different to death, when you realise that nothing can be a lot of something else, who can understand my words, I wonder who can relate, a lost soul isn't found until its lost in the first place, I base my life on contradiction if my paradox fails, i'll die before I am born just to be born and die again. If the question is asked, as how my stream of thoughts came to be, let them know that living to die is sane..but deing to live is insanity.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iMRBU_pYzeA/UDuIIqquJOI/AAAAAAAAAww/XQewaUbNjng/s1600/Isaac.jpg

           < weather from the north >

              rocks
              cliffs
              morning breaks with the waves white
              the sky empty
              waiting
              for weather from the north
              for the last of a bright sun followed
              by years of cloud
              horizon to horizon
              a gray cotton sheath
              a dressing for a wound
              the voices
              the wind
              the notes of waves
              the chorus of seabirds
              the last of the sun
              the bulb of the planet
              it's fragile glass
              sucked of air
              the sea boils
              the birds explode
              and the rocks are
              as they always are
              the rocks survive

                        - - -

Monster
I want to call it a monster
it pulls me in
makes me feel like I'm oozing
fastens my pulse
a drumming in my chest
getting harder
       louder
i feel like the earth
when a train goes by  
 mini earthquake
not literally shaking
   my eyes are
hollow in my skull
 empty spaces
 black scenes
I'm going numb
my skin bubbles
       burns
i smell gasoline
I'm soaked in it
I'm cooked, baked
  in flour
white, burning
  flustering
my stomach tosses
  turning
fighting the feeling
my throat stings
stench in the air
i curl my finger tips
thrust my body back
everything changes
colors moving
mashed together
mixing into one another
all together
   black
last to see
i hear voices
   disappearing
      fading
everything ok?
      not
      no
      never
its all colliding
everything stings
from curled tips
  to fists
fetal position
I'm shaking
    now
I'm dazed
   confused
lost
my drum role
lost

Salvia

One hit is all it takes.
To see into another realm.
Is it beautiful?
Is it terrifying?
Terrifying.
I am seeing blue everywhere.
And tiny blue faries.
But then my vision shutters to black.
And when I come to, I have a decaying hand on my shoulder.
I start to scream when I am shot forward by a blast of flames.
Where am I?
I am in a submarine.
We are hit. Being torpedo'd.
Shit! I am running now.
Trying to get to my friends.
Everything is black.
I turn a corner and everything goes still.
The lighting is dimmed here.
I have found them, but it is not them.
On their faces are little aliens.
Sucking out their identities.
Their souls.
Where are there faces?
All I see is a blank canvas.
And then I look past them.
Eyeless creatures.
Demons of silent hill.
Oh fuck!
Is this real?
Of course it is.
How could it not be?
It's so vivid.
I start to run and I am being chased.
I can hear it.
But where is the creature that is tracking me down?
I look behind me. Nothing.
I slow down. Look again, and still nothing.
Then as I turn back, it is in the hallway ahead of me waiting.
For some reason I don't know, I approach it.
It waits. Unmoving.
Is it blind too?
I reach out and touch it.
Then, just like that, I am back with my friends at my house.
But I feel a hovering presence the rest of the night.
Lingering over my shoulder.
Is this how it was suppossed to be?
Is this how it would feel to lose your sanity?
Not knowing truth from reality?

Crazy
Oh look, pretty shiny things
Everywhere.
Green, yellow, purple
So sparkly.
Oh look a spider
Gangly legs
Creeping along my table.
Hey, what’s that?
Over there,
It’s so black,
So dark.
Little shivers
Are crawling up
My spine.
I’m so scared
I can’t breath
My chest is closing in.
What’s happening to me!
Run, run far away
I’m going crazy.
The walls are collapsing
The earth is opening.
Its going to swallow me.
Run, Run, I
Can’t run any faster.
I’m going to die.
The screams won’t stop.
It hurts so much it’s too loud.
No! the darkness is coming.
It’s going to eat me.
I can’t escape.
Too much.
Too much.
I
Need
To
Let
go.

Knowing me knowing you *


oh,so now you don't want to know me
think you can bury me away under all your answers
chances of that working is about as slim as a snowman
running the London marathon

You can't run away from me
same way as that bitch your seeing
can't see past the fire raging in your eyes
it's no surprise she bleeds herself white for you
and all you can do is hold a cup out for more  


you cant silence my voice
it's not your choice now one way or the other.

*Yeah ok it's the name of an abba song, no idea how i know that