Poetry competition CLOSED 13th April 2012 00:56am
WINNER
cjmshadow (Poetic Joker)
cjmshadow (Poetic Joker)
Deepest Regret
When the Ringing Faded Out.
**Inspired by Pearl Jam's The Last Kiss.
I do recall the night
when I watched her fade away.
Everything about it plastered
into my memory.
The sounds, the smells,
the tastes, the views.
That final moment in her pulse,
when it fluttered out, it blew.
The wreckage to the side,
and the bleeding from my leg.
Rain pouring down, begging God
to please, "Take me instead!"
I remember quite vividly,
the stench of all the rubber, burnt.
I can still see in my head, every shard of shattered
glass, sticking to her shirt.
More than anything, I'll never forget
waking up, as the ringing faded out.
She was not beside me,
my girl was nowhere to be found.
I never got to say goodbye,
she never knew I loved her.
But I have to wonder if she can tell,
that I am still bleeding for her.
**Inspired by Pearl Jam's The Last Kiss.
I do recall the night
when I watched her fade away.
Everything about it plastered
into my memory.
The sounds, the smells,
the tastes, the views.
That final moment in her pulse,
when it fluttered out, it blew.
The wreckage to the side,
and the bleeding from my leg.
Rain pouring down, begging God
to please, "Take me instead!"
I remember quite vividly,
the stench of all the rubber, burnt.
I can still see in my head, every shard of shattered
glass, sticking to her shirt.
More than anything, I'll never forget
waking up, as the ringing faded out.
She was not beside me,
my girl was nowhere to be found.
I never got to say goodbye,
she never knew I loved her.
But I have to wonder if she can tell,
that I am still bleeding for her.
There i was
from the outside in
watching my own personal sin
watching a past already written
"He's just making it through
he's just trying to stand it all"
sometimes i forgive him
sometimes this deed
should have made him fall
opening a box he called pandora
and proceeding by lamp light
some days it was a horrible mistake
sometimes it was right
a slice of control
and blood is the toll
he cuts in threes
and i beat against the wall
not for his attention
but for the past to fall
fail
change
rearrange
put the blade back in the box
bury the damn thing
buy locks
but he has saviours none
the deed can never be
undone
sometime i can deal
sometimes i know
they don't heal
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/47226-somebody-somewhere/
You were always the second best,
put myself before you,
and now I've been through the mill,
and I've seen my flaws,
I've seen the pain,
I've caused in you...
Somebody, somewhere
will love you like I couldn't
I was never the selfless one,
always the fool,
now I'm living with the guilt,
of hurting you
Somebody, somewhere
will love you like I couldn't
Somebody, out there,
will treat you like I couldn't
Even though I failed before,
trust me when I tell you now,
Somebody, somewhere
will love you like I couldn't
You were always the second best,
put myself before you,
and now I've been through the mill,
and I've seen my flaws,
I've seen the pain,
I've caused in you...
Somebody, somewhere
will love you like I couldn't
I was never the selfless one,
always the fool,
now I'm living with the guilt,
of hurting you
Somebody, somewhere
will love you like I couldn't
Somebody, out there,
will treat you like I couldn't
Even though I failed before,
trust me when I tell you now,
Somebody, somewhere
will love you like I couldn't
Anonymous
DEAREST GRANDFATHER
(mudered before I was born)
My greatest regret
I had no say
If I would ever
Meet you
The Nazis took you
First, because you were
A Socialist, A Unionist
Anti-fascist
Only later I read
That you never got to Auschwitz
They murdered you
In cold blood
I can forgive
But I cannot obliterate
Vengeance is the Lord's
But I cannot forget your death
(mudered before I was born)
My greatest regret
I had no say
If I would ever
Meet you
The Nazis took you
First, because you were
A Socialist, A Unionist
Anti-fascist
Only later I read
That you never got to Auschwitz
They murdered you
In cold blood
I can forgive
But I cannot obliterate
Vengeance is the Lord's
But I cannot forget your death
As she began to blossom in my tummy I told my self I will not repeat my families boozed out history
I will love and nourish her
I will be all I can be
When I saw her sweet face for the first time I was sure I conquered my deepest fear... avoiding what hurt me so much
Three years later I am what I never wanted to be
I can hear her cries "mommy, mommy, where are you going?"
I looked right through her with a pain in my heart
I walked out the door, I drank my self to a pitiful state only to find her waiting by my bed, "mommy, can we play a game?"
Mommy can't play a game because shes sick
Treatment centers, hospitals, and jails
Mommy is back to hurt her delicate heart once more
I never wanted to be what I became.
I will love and nourish her
I will be all I can be
When I saw her sweet face for the first time I was sure I conquered my deepest fear... avoiding what hurt me so much
Three years later I am what I never wanted to be
I can hear her cries "mommy, mommy, where are you going?"
I looked right through her with a pain in my heart
I walked out the door, I drank my self to a pitiful state only to find her waiting by my bed, "mommy, can we play a game?"
Mommy can't play a game because shes sick
Treatment centers, hospitals, and jails
Mommy is back to hurt her delicate heart once more
I never wanted to be what I became.
Deepest;
Lying on my floor,
Chilled to the bone.
I reach for the door,
But I’m all alone.
I couldn’t say all the things I wanted to say,
I just hid my head trembling with fear.
I can’t take back what you’ve taken away,
But I feel you, I feel you near.
I’m going to die alone, that’s too fitting,
I always tried to smile, told myself I was happy,
But honestly I was thinking, “Who am I kidding?”
When on the best days I felt so crappy.
I’m ashamed and I’m alone,
I’m tired of running away so I’ll just lie here.
I don’t want to die clinging to the pain, I need for you to know,
Just how much in life you made me fear.
As I bleed out I think about what you did to me,
And how you were so callously cruel,
As you took my virginity.
To have kept it secret... Am I a fool?
But even now as I think of you in my last moments,
Think of all things you did and could still do.
Even though I spent my years silent and never showed this,
My deepest regret was never having the courage to tell on you.
Lying on my floor,
Chilled to the bone.
I reach for the door,
But I’m all alone.
I couldn’t say all the things I wanted to say,
I just hid my head trembling with fear.
I can’t take back what you’ve taken away,
But I feel you, I feel you near.
I’m going to die alone, that’s too fitting,
I always tried to smile, told myself I was happy,
But honestly I was thinking, “Who am I kidding?”
When on the best days I felt so crappy.
I’m ashamed and I’m alone,
I’m tired of running away so I’ll just lie here.
I don’t want to die clinging to the pain, I need for you to know,
Just how much in life you made me fear.
As I bleed out I think about what you did to me,
And how you were so callously cruel,
As you took my virginity.
To have kept it secret... Am I a fool?
But even now as I think of you in my last moments,
Think of all things you did and could still do.
Even though I spent my years silent and never showed this,
My deepest regret was never having the courage to tell on you.
For Jeremy
Dearest Jeremy
My deepest regret
was never knowing you
even though I carried you
for twelve weeks.
Dearest Jeremy
Someday mommy will see you
hold you my baby
tell you I love you
just be with you
My baby Jeremy
without a marker
on the ground
in my heart
always you live.
My deepest regret
my darling son Jeremy
is not seeing you a man
marry the girl of your dream
and sire me a grandson.
Dearest Jeremy
My deepest regret
was never knowing you
even though I carried you
for twelve weeks.
Dearest Jeremy
Someday mommy will see you
hold you my baby
tell you I love you
just be with you
My baby Jeremy
without a marker
on the ground
in my heart
always you live.
My deepest regret
my darling son Jeremy
is not seeing you a man
marry the girl of your dream
and sire me a grandson.
The Name
The pain i felt
As the picture flashed
Rushed down my spine...
... In a cold Chill
The anger I felt
That i could have been so stupid
I didn't knew
A word could mean so much
Until the day
I knew the story
I'm Truly
...Sorry
For all that happened
I would change it, Stop it
Prevent the pain, remove the memory
Then the anger...
... of having
...The Name i...
called you
Brought sooo Many memories
I sat and i cried
TORE my mind apart...
Wondering HOW???
Anyone could do such a thing
To anyone so innocent
Tears of Anger
Tear away myself
...For "The Name"
I said to you...
My feelings fell
When it came out
My heart Sank
...Because the look
... Of Burning Pain
Deep Hurting
That was brought about
... Reminiscing...
Hurtful... Hands
I Still cant believe
That was me...
But being honest...
your NOT really...
I'm soo much more
Than without you
The pain you Feel
So do I
Because remember we're ONE
But..
..."The Name"
IS merely a name
But we're
... but your
...but I'm
...All to blame
I cant express
The feeling I get
When i read it
The scene...
... Before my eyes
I Truly
HATE IT
I hate the people
that did it
I hate the fact
you were a part of it
If I could do
Anything to make it up
KNOW I would...
Because The sorrow I feel
Eats at me
Gnaws at my...
... Inner self
Because...
... "THE NAME"
The pain i felt
As the picture flashed
Rushed down my spine...
... In a cold Chill
The anger I felt
That i could have been so stupid
I didn't knew
A word could mean so much
Until the day
I knew the story
I'm Truly
...Sorry
For all that happened
I would change it, Stop it
Prevent the pain, remove the memory
Then the anger...
... of having
...The Name i...
called you
Brought sooo Many memories
I sat and i cried
TORE my mind apart...
Wondering HOW???
Anyone could do such a thing
To anyone so innocent
Tears of Anger
Tear away myself
...For "The Name"
I said to you...
My feelings fell
When it came out
My heart Sank
...Because the look
... Of Burning Pain
Deep Hurting
That was brought about
... Reminiscing...
Hurtful... Hands
I Still cant believe
That was me...
But being honest...
your NOT really...
I'm soo much more
Than without you
The pain you Feel
So do I
Because remember we're ONE
But..
..."The Name"
IS merely a name
But we're
... but your
...but I'm
...All to blame
I cant express
The feeling I get
When i read it
The scene...
... Before my eyes
I Truly
HATE IT
I hate the people
that did it
I hate the fact
you were a part of it
If I could do
Anything to make it up
KNOW I would...
Because The sorrow I feel
Eats at me
Gnaws at my...
... Inner self
Because...
... "THE NAME"
Anonymous
I was not always the best as a daughter
but I did my best.
As a sister, a friend, I will not pretend-
There were times I just wasn't there.
As a student-excelled but it really came easy-
so that was a bit of a break.
To people like Granny-my heroes I say-
They deserve more than I could repay.
(yet, I tried)
And of course as a mother, my mistakes were many
but no matter the load-it was never too heavy.
(and I carry it still)...always will.
To the ones I have loved, and still do today-
they know I tried-
in all possible ways.
But there is one person I abused all along-
years of neglect-harsh judgement's-
so wrong.
The one person alive who needed me most-
I abused myself-then haunted me-
my own ghost.
It hasn't been long-since I began loving me
Took me near dying-to set myself free.
I now see how much I honestly missed-
how could I blindly do all but admit-
That I was available to take every hit.
Looking back now-
hindsight is a nag
I hurt me for years-
and years don't come back.
but I did my best.
As a sister, a friend, I will not pretend-
There were times I just wasn't there.
As a student-excelled but it really came easy-
so that was a bit of a break.
To people like Granny-my heroes I say-
They deserve more than I could repay.
(yet, I tried)
And of course as a mother, my mistakes were many
but no matter the load-it was never too heavy.
(and I carry it still)...always will.
To the ones I have loved, and still do today-
they know I tried-
in all possible ways.
But there is one person I abused all along-
years of neglect-harsh judgement's-
so wrong.
The one person alive who needed me most-
I abused myself-then haunted me-
my own ghost.
It hasn't been long-since I began loving me
Took me near dying-to set myself free.
I now see how much I honestly missed-
how could I blindly do all but admit-
That I was available to take every hit.
Looking back now-
hindsight is a nag
I hurt me for years-
and years don't come back.
Anonymous
If I could change just one thing
in this selfish fucked up world
I would take away what made you
the selfish pathetic bitch you were!
So many say I should forgive you
that it was an accident you did not mean
that you were consumed by intoxication
I will never forgive you again!
You told me you were out shopping
Having fun with all of the girls
Little was I aware that
6 drinks would Fuck my whole world!
I waited up for hours I called you
first calm, then worried, then "fuck!"
where the hell were you
answer your bloody phone.
4 hours went by of me looking
all over the god damn town,
horrid painful thoughts
Running through my head
she's cheating, she's hurt, she's bleeding
she's left me, she's probably dead!!!
I lie on the sofa alone now
As a set of car lights enter the drive
I run to the door to abuse you
But its 2 officers gazing at me
I thought it, Ifelt it but didn't believe it
no way are you leaving my world!
I followed them down to the station
had to try and identify this broken up wreck
Nothing to hold you together
every bone a complete fucking mess.
Blood alcohol four times over
drugs still lingering through
I wonder if it was hard to feel it
My precious daughter dying in you?
I will never forgive all that you did
You knew and you hid it from me
why?
So you can still drink your self fucking stupid
No questions to answer again
was it not enough you did it 10 years back
When you killed our first child 6 months in
do you remember?
you begged me, you cried and you promised
to forgive you. Never again will you drink!!!
No conscience. No sorrow. No regret
just your own tears for yourself and your lies
Well the deepest regret that I feel
Was falling for the most selfish bitch on this earth
Not a moment of thought for our unborns
as long as you were holding your can
tell the devil i said hi there
As you suffer in the deep pits of hell!
You ripped my heart out twice over
I will never forgive what you did
To have no regret after the first time
To get out there and do it again
I live my life full of hatred
For the coldest person now dead
I may come across sometimes morbid
Im sorry Its not who I want to be
but for years I had waited to hear daddy
so i could share all this love inside me.
Just to cradle my children in my arms
and twice now i could have had all my dreams
Shattered and bitter beyond comprehend
To my two angels that float in the breezeway
I love you my two beautiful girls
one day your daddy will find you
until then precious sweet dreams my loves.
in this selfish fucked up world
I would take away what made you
the selfish pathetic bitch you were!
So many say I should forgive you
that it was an accident you did not mean
that you were consumed by intoxication
I will never forgive you again!
You told me you were out shopping
Having fun with all of the girls
Little was I aware that
6 drinks would Fuck my whole world!
I waited up for hours I called you
first calm, then worried, then "fuck!"
where the hell were you
answer your bloody phone.
4 hours went by of me looking
all over the god damn town,
horrid painful thoughts
Running through my head
she's cheating, she's hurt, she's bleeding
she's left me, she's probably dead!!!
I lie on the sofa alone now
As a set of car lights enter the drive
I run to the door to abuse you
But its 2 officers gazing at me
I thought it, Ifelt it but didn't believe it
no way are you leaving my world!
I followed them down to the station
had to try and identify this broken up wreck
Nothing to hold you together
every bone a complete fucking mess.
Blood alcohol four times over
drugs still lingering through
I wonder if it was hard to feel it
My precious daughter dying in you?
I will never forgive all that you did
You knew and you hid it from me
why?
So you can still drink your self fucking stupid
No questions to answer again
was it not enough you did it 10 years back
When you killed our first child 6 months in
do you remember?
you begged me, you cried and you promised
to forgive you. Never again will you drink!!!
No conscience. No sorrow. No regret
just your own tears for yourself and your lies
Well the deepest regret that I feel
Was falling for the most selfish bitch on this earth
Not a moment of thought for our unborns
as long as you were holding your can
tell the devil i said hi there
As you suffer in the deep pits of hell!
You ripped my heart out twice over
I will never forgive what you did
To have no regret after the first time
To get out there and do it again
I live my life full of hatred
For the coldest person now dead
I may come across sometimes morbid
Im sorry Its not who I want to be
but for years I had waited to hear daddy
so i could share all this love inside me.
Just to cradle my children in my arms
and twice now i could have had all my dreams
Shattered and bitter beyond comprehend
To my two angels that float in the breezeway
I love you my two beautiful girls
one day your daddy will find you
until then precious sweet dreams my loves.
Because of Me
The guilt and regret won't leave my mind as I enter this church for you
All our memories keep swirling through my brain as I sit here on this wooden pew.
I can't bring myself to talk about you; when asked I say I have just one sister
For the pain I feel when I think of you burns within me like a thousand boiling blisters.
I wish I could still say I had two sisters, that I wasn't always the family's "baby"
If only I had been braver and stronger back then, maybe, just maybe,
You, baby sister, would still be here, and I never would've had to say goodbye
But instead I'm at your funeral, and I know it's my fault you're here...I'm the one who let you die.
As your small casket passes by, I can't stop the quivering sobs, or the stream of tears
And my mind forces me again and again to relive that day, like a never ending nightmare.
You were five at the time, and I had just turned eight
We'd been through many foster homes, some halfway decent, others not so great.
But this house was worse than the others; the people were crueler, the beatings more severe
I should've done something in the beginning, maybe begged our workers to take us far away from here.
Yet I did nothing, but instead tried to prepare you for the agonizing days to come
I told you to expect more empty stomachs, and beatings that would leave us numb.
For though I knew this house was worse, I thought we'd survive the same way
We'd listen to the yelling, endure the pain, and hope that tomorrow would be a better day.
Until the day came where our foster father decided to prove me oh so wrong
The day he beat you just a little too much, for just a little too long.
You had tried to take some food from the pantry, for the stomach pains were finally too much to bear
But you were caught by him, and he didn't listen to your pleading or begging, for he simply didn't care.
I thought it was just another beating, and so I stood waiting in the shadows in the hall
I didn't want to make it worse, or get beat myself, so I watched even as he threw you against the wall.
Over and over he beat you with with his fists, and with his belt
And still I waited, praying he'd stop soon, so I could attend to your bruises and your welts.
But he was not himself, but high off of one of the many drugs he had in his secret room
And as the minutes dragged by, I began to feel overwhelmed by a sense of doom.
When his hand reached for the wooden bat his son used for baseball, my heart stopped
I screamed at him, but still watched helplessly as the bat quickly dropped.
I can still hear it in my ears, the crack of the bat as it smashed against your head
I can still see it with my eyes, the sight of your blood splattering against the wall, painting it dark red.
As others saw what had happened and dragged him away, I ran to you, but no matter how hard I tried
I couldn't wake you up, and finally had to admit, that my little sister had just died.
And so here I am, weeks later, staring at your lifeless body, wishing that I could once again see those beautiful blue eyes
Unable to block out all the sorrow and pain, while wondering over and over why.
Why did I do nothing to save you, why did I give in to my fear
This regret is something I know I'll have to live with for the many upcoming years.
With tear filled eyes and a broken heart, I tell you I'm sorry, give you one last kiss, and slowly walk away
Praying that perhaps I'll be forgiven, so that I may see you again in Heaven one day.
The guilt and regret won't leave my mind as I enter this church for you
All our memories keep swirling through my brain as I sit here on this wooden pew.
I can't bring myself to talk about you; when asked I say I have just one sister
For the pain I feel when I think of you burns within me like a thousand boiling blisters.
I wish I could still say I had two sisters, that I wasn't always the family's "baby"
If only I had been braver and stronger back then, maybe, just maybe,
You, baby sister, would still be here, and I never would've had to say goodbye
But instead I'm at your funeral, and I know it's my fault you're here...I'm the one who let you die.
As your small casket passes by, I can't stop the quivering sobs, or the stream of tears
And my mind forces me again and again to relive that day, like a never ending nightmare.
You were five at the time, and I had just turned eight
We'd been through many foster homes, some halfway decent, others not so great.
But this house was worse than the others; the people were crueler, the beatings more severe
I should've done something in the beginning, maybe begged our workers to take us far away from here.
Yet I did nothing, but instead tried to prepare you for the agonizing days to come
I told you to expect more empty stomachs, and beatings that would leave us numb.
For though I knew this house was worse, I thought we'd survive the same way
We'd listen to the yelling, endure the pain, and hope that tomorrow would be a better day.
Until the day came where our foster father decided to prove me oh so wrong
The day he beat you just a little too much, for just a little too long.
You had tried to take some food from the pantry, for the stomach pains were finally too much to bear
But you were caught by him, and he didn't listen to your pleading or begging, for he simply didn't care.
I thought it was just another beating, and so I stood waiting in the shadows in the hall
I didn't want to make it worse, or get beat myself, so I watched even as he threw you against the wall.
Over and over he beat you with with his fists, and with his belt
And still I waited, praying he'd stop soon, so I could attend to your bruises and your welts.
But he was not himself, but high off of one of the many drugs he had in his secret room
And as the minutes dragged by, I began to feel overwhelmed by a sense of doom.
When his hand reached for the wooden bat his son used for baseball, my heart stopped
I screamed at him, but still watched helplessly as the bat quickly dropped.
I can still hear it in my ears, the crack of the bat as it smashed against your head
I can still see it with my eyes, the sight of your blood splattering against the wall, painting it dark red.
As others saw what had happened and dragged him away, I ran to you, but no matter how hard I tried
I couldn't wake you up, and finally had to admit, that my little sister had just died.
And so here I am, weeks later, staring at your lifeless body, wishing that I could once again see those beautiful blue eyes
Unable to block out all the sorrow and pain, while wondering over and over why.
Why did I do nothing to save you, why did I give in to my fear
This regret is something I know I'll have to live with for the many upcoming years.
With tear filled eyes and a broken heart, I tell you I'm sorry, give you one last kiss, and slowly walk away
Praying that perhaps I'll be forgiven, so that I may see you again in Heaven one day.
Mama I wish I would've took the time to tell you
But I was afraid that I might have really failed you
As a son, a brother, a future father, a man
I was petrified that you wouldn't understand
I was confused and troubled going through my inner struggle
I wanted to spread my wings but the feathers got ruffled
I thought you wouldn't want me living under the same roof
If I would've had the courage to expose you to the truth
It goes against your blueprint and your stern expectations
I wish I would've never withheld the information
All I wanted to do was to make you real proud
So I procrastinated, I swore and I vowed
That one day I'll inform you but the opportunity went
You passed away and left me before I got to vent
You breathed your last breath when I felt I can exhale
I wanted to confess I'm a proud gay male
A sissy, a fag, a homosexual
Now I'll never know if you thought it was acceptable
But hopefully you would've accepted me for me regardless
Because being gay comes with its fair share of hardships
A beautiful person with that one little wart
Sometimes I wonder if I would've had your support
Even till this day my heart's a little heavy
But not as much because you probably knew already
But I was afraid that I might have really failed you
As a son, a brother, a future father, a man
I was petrified that you wouldn't understand
I was confused and troubled going through my inner struggle
I wanted to spread my wings but the feathers got ruffled
I thought you wouldn't want me living under the same roof
If I would've had the courage to expose you to the truth
It goes against your blueprint and your stern expectations
I wish I would've never withheld the information
All I wanted to do was to make you real proud
So I procrastinated, I swore and I vowed
That one day I'll inform you but the opportunity went
You passed away and left me before I got to vent
You breathed your last breath when I felt I can exhale
I wanted to confess I'm a proud gay male
A sissy, a fag, a homosexual
Now I'll never know if you thought it was acceptable
But hopefully you would've accepted me for me regardless
Because being gay comes with its fair share of hardships
A beautiful person with that one little wart
Sometimes I wonder if I would've had your support
Even till this day my heart's a little heavy
But not as much because you probably knew already
