Heartbreak

   
   
   
   
i.   A sign    
     “To be continued.”      
     left on the    
     bedroom door    
     reminding him of    
     disregarded yesterday    
     As it is read      
     shattered        
     fragments of    
     life’s windscreen        
     appear vividly    
     like a dress rehearsal      
     for the afterlife    
        
     But the man has      
     emotions      
     Whilst sheltered      
     they speak volumes      
     sharing     
     his cracked      
     dislocated        
     heart      
     with society and the rest      
     of this unforgiving        
     world    
        
   
ii. An affirmation      
    just two      
    words, was where      
    this tormented      
    bliss began    
    The rubix        
    riddle he's    
    clutching     
    becomes apparent      
        
    Yet still        
    in depths of    
    consciousness    
    the heart        
    races      
    chanting      
    alarming        
    retorts      
    Screaming        
    "suicide"      
    from the depths      
    of dark      
    unexercised      
    bass-less      
    beats    
    Yet it remembers      
    those three letters,      
    oh how easily        
    he shouted      
        
    “I do!”      
        
   
iii.  Today studying     
      new verse     
      Two new words      
      prompted      
      to say        
      at a moment      
      opportune    
        
      He studies them      
      learns them      
      rehearses them      
      auditions        
      in front      
      of his reflection      
      in her full length      
      wall mirror    
      Finally he finds        
      enthusiasm      
      in his voice     
      as he blurts      
      six letters,        
      in harmonious      
      dissonance      
        
   
      “The End.”    
   
   
-x-    
   

Baby,
 
I miss you differently tonight. I miss you in layers so thick they seem atmospheric. My longing for you, and keen awareness of a measured distance between you and I are clashing beautifully with the love I feel and have only just begun to explore with you, A love that I'm now certain is my future.
 
But it is taking a moment, to ease in, and get more than just a glimpse of what has taken root.  
 
God I am struggling in that moment, but must let it look.  
 
I miss you like this Nick, and it mirrors the night sky. A tremendous storm has been building in the sky for an hour now. It has shown itself, and staggers me. An acid trip like, wild scene, as violet neon flashes connect violently with electric blues and divert, scattering like lizards hiding in black and charcoal grey clouds as ominous as a murder of crows.  
 
And all of this, it grows in silence. The storm is like a mighty gatekeeper without sword. The clang of steel on shield would not improve its stature. It needs no noise to be mighty. So, it makes no noise.  
 
I imagine myself lying underneath this terrific sky with you, and finding your hand, and feeling your fingers tighten on mine, and I imagine I would understand the storms quiet more completely as my breathing began to notice your breathing and they aligned. As my heart's beating calmed just so it could hear more clearly, yours, and your hearts beating listened to mine as if it were a lullaby.  
 
I know you are going to lay down tonight with the idea of us held tightly in your arms, and hunger for the idea to be replaced with white naked skin and my mouth moving down you.  
 
Hold it tightly then, I am right there with you.  
I miss you just like this Nick. Just like this.

EMOTALING
|I’mōdƏI| emote + spiral

So many boxes
Reaching all the way to the
End of the driveway
Like a house of cards
Spiraling up into the blue sky
I feel
I think
I judge
Myself all at once
Paintballs pow pow pow
Into my neck
My cheek
My skin
My chest
Where it hurts the most
I cannot move
Anymore
My bones are frozen
My muscles tense
I’m at a standstill
The suspense is intense
The more I think about it
Move boxes like a puzzle, make them fit
The more my bones become stones
Refusing to bend, to walk around it
The feelings pile up on one another
Running up the ramp but standing still
What happened to my lover
His words came fast and loose
Maybe even
Knocked out a tooth
I feel
I think
I judge
I second guess my decision
Maybe seven times at best
And every feeling
Sends me reeling
But my legs, full stop
The emotions have lassoed in
Pulling my thoughts up tight
Knot upon knot
Until I know not
If I made the right conclusion
Or not, maybe just a temporary resolution
I run
I stop
I hesitate
Isn’t there anyone who can
Calculate
Retrace my steps and not
Hyperventilate
Put my heart back in my chest
So I can finally feel some rest
My breath is coming labored now
Too many boxes left to take
I turn and look him in the eye
Big brown eyes that used to cry
Throwing sparks
Ignite the parts
Of me that run and hide
Usually
But now instead
They stand, take root
While judgements fire off
Rapid succession, making me cough
Catch my breath and search for soft
Places to land as I fall all the way down
Realizing the hot pavement
Melted my shoes
I think
I feel
I judge
Everything I’ve ever said, ever done
And then I do it all again
Tightening the noose
Not letting feelings loose
Immobile at the start
Heart fluttering, stop and restart
Each butterfly wing
Touching another feeling
And everything
Everything
Just keep spiraling

Bring me your rain—
cascading, cooling, cleansing
moisture from heaven.
I'm burnt, and tired
of putting out fires.
Burnished embers surround,
parched and lifeless
in the barrenness.
Everything good
has been consumed by flames.
I need hope; an oasis;
sweet relief.
Send your clouds
to weep on the land.
Fresh rain of life;
purifying showers.