Who I Am

 
I feel like I’m a failure at life, I just can’t seem to do anything right, I can’t even go to sleep at night.

People say life is hell but my hell is inside of me, day by day my brain sets fire to me, when oh when will I be free?

Free from this blazing prison that tortures me, no bruises to prove the damage it causes,
That’s why so many long sleeves fill my closet. For when the burn within gets to be to much, to my skin with a razor I touch.

For the "Who I Am Comp"

W ater sign born as an Aquarian
H ated from birth unwanted nobody's child
A ttacked, tortured, sex-trafficked form ages 6 - 13
T eenage rebellion at knifepoint

I ntimidated by women - mother figure was a lunatic

R etardation given to me created me as an empath
E ventually, a doormat to catch dog shit from heals
A ll my life I have been this way with women
L oveless marriage now divorced - I finally woke up
L oveless still, maybe I am undeserving of real love
Y et subsequently it was offered and cruelly taken away

A night club bouncer of and on for 12 years - no fear of men
M aybe I should adopt that tactic in life in general

H ardman taking zero shit
O ne of life's positive principles
N arscasitic accusations completely false
E mpath I am the bipolar opposite of a Narcissist
S oft like a teddy bear hugs always welcome
T otally honest and up-front, caring, loving
L oving, protecting the underdog and those needing help
Y ou have heard it straight for the bear's mouth - no bullshit.


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"What I really am honestly" was inspired and written for the purveyors of lies and bullshit, not that they will care. These targets are true psychopaths who have no conscience. The muck spreading that has been done this past year all from the world of the made-up, not one piece of truth. some of you have been taken in by these lies. So please read this, this is the truth - regardless I am not "A Dickhead", a "Narscasist", "A legless Cowboy", "Useless Cripple", "Limbless Retard". Yes, these terms have all been used. "Stay away from him he's a bad bastard"

Do me a favour, treat people the way you want to be treated don't be hoodwinked, you can ask me anything and you will only get the truth, empathy and respect.
I have a few regular friends who really know me, they will also tell you the truth

I am more than just a name.
Hidden behind my ink.
Sun kissed skin.
Tightly curled hair.
Hard headed.
Learning lessons.
Playing with fire,
Just to get burned.
Being content .
For this life i was given .
Mother killed by cancer.
Sperm donor never there.
Wanting to be loved.
Wanting to love.
Taking it day by day.
Insomnia, sleepless nights.
Now getting old,
Feeling aches and pains.
Needing more time,
There’s never enough.
Intelligent, yet immature.
Living, crying, and laughing.
Ups and downs.
I am who i am and thats okay,
My journey made me this way.

©️ Courtney Hines

       
You must know there are times
I will not choose you over the poem;  
nor your email, text or pouting silence
over the verse;  
  
Bulging zippers will not sway me  
nor swollen suitcases by the entrance.  
If you want to be first in someone’s life    
you must know, it can never be mine.    
  
I'll never be the faithful wife  
skinning vegetables at the sink;
a gimlet eye’d grandmother supervising,
starched apron and recipe splayed
submissively across the counter -  
contents spooned carefully;
the roast, flayed, awaiting its wake -
attendees of potatoes and carrots
following into the heated pyre.    
  
I'll never be the faithful mistress  
in a négligée holding a drowning olive  
after a cocktail party --
  
alarm at attention so we don’t oversleep
alerting your wife to your late absence.  
  
I'll be in the tub with the poem instead;
gluttonous ink splashing imagery  
over its porcelain skin with each spit  
of candle and stroke of pen.    
  
You must know, in bed I'll fantasize  
about the poem, how it carried me    
shielding my isolated survival
from extinction, while hunted
by laundered mindsets
firm in sects of belief.  
  
You must know the poem  
is 'One Hundred Years of Solitude',  
a plantation abandoned by death;  
it’s 'All the archived Names'  
without Ariadne’s Thread;
the Life that Pi actually dreamt    
'The Shipping News' reporting anthologies
modern American beats underground;  
it’s 'Water for Chocolate' torched  
by match heads; it's 'Midnight  
in the Garden of Good and Evil';
it's Romeo; it's Juliette.    
  
You must know, that if betrayed  
by lies or entrapment I will escape    
elope, even commit suicide  
before captured alive;    
  
we’ll die together, deeply inhaling afterlife  
as Plath – taping your sleeping existence
away from us, towels caulking the frame;    
  
and you, you must know  
you'll wake lonelier than you’ve ever been.    
~  

WHAT I AM IS A TYRANT!!!!      
Toussaint Louverture          
reincarnated far away from        
The lure your four fathers made        
A Dark shade over prejudice        
A sharp blade masquerading        
As a feather caressing your conscious        
So take my presence as ominous to the air im about to change.        
         
WHAT I AM IS A MONSTER!!!        
Vigorously feeding on people        
Who mistreated my empathy subliminally i see them as evil so i dig into their wombs, stickin them with my heroine needle leaving a corpse that resembles an ego, and lubricously crude memories that trigger when seeing me.        
         
WHAT I AM IS A FIGHTER!!!        
craving the sensation of          
Tasting my own blood and        
The blood of thoes i would face        
Self destructive behavior justified by        
Mutual shared destruction but rarely          
Admiting that im in love with the chaos.        
         
WHAT I AM IS ENLIGHTENING!!!        
Educated on the fact that's this wretched Nation devastated my race then left us fated to fade away with subversion in brokcast stations, perversion of our nature then lure us into incarceration to portray our  pigmentation as excursion to be washed away as our service construct this foundation of  burglars when on this continent were the NATIVES!!!!!          
         
WHAT I AM IS VIBRANT          
a frequency unidentified intangible divine insanity cramed into the cranium of an animal. Who chages form        
Depending on energy  emitting from eye's entangled with separate selves living different lives who's able to take advantage of shifting paradigms.        
         
WHAT I AM IS A WARLORD ARTIST SLASH PORNSTAR ASTRONOMER SLASH MOZART HYBRID FIXING MY OWN SCARED BODY WHAT I AM IS the same as you god personified wounded by the pulls of two opposing Entergy vibes. Love yourself and all of your madness we are the delicate balance of opposites attracted into one live construct CONSCIOUS

 
In a nutshell and simply put...

I am...

First and foremost...

Physically...35
At heart...21
Mentally...somewhere in the 80's
Emotionally...in the mid-teens...lol
And lastly, but not leastly...
Spiritually...old as f@$k...

This is the best discription I can come up with on the spot and in the moment.

On the other hand...
I am an aspiring musician...
Without most of the foolishly irrational and unfathomably unrealistic expectations typically imbued in the breed...

Meaning, I work, want to and will eventually go back to school, while dreaming about being a rock star on my days off.

I am originally from Montana...
Spent my 20's in San Francisco...
Moved to Milwaukee last year and I love it! Except when it gets too cold to do anything, but try to stay warm...grrrrrr

This is...Me

On paper (or) "online" as it were,
but there is so much more to "yours truly" than mere words can define or explain.

Not yet sure where I'm going...
But I do know how I'm getting
wherever life takes me...

With hope and sincerity...
Respect and honesty...
Commitment and drive...
Not to mention...
A whole lot of focus...
And an equal amount of fun...