little girl fantasies...big girl dreams...

think back
can you recall all the dreams
the youthful ambition
driven to do great things
before, of course
you realized the work required
or uncovered the hidden catch in reality
not all futures play out exactly the way they seem
and sometimes the world just pummels it out of us
determined to keep us pigeonholed
telling us where they want us to go
doesn’t it just seem
those spaces grow more confined
if you’re less than advantageously defined

as any starry-eyed young girl
I had big ideas for my place in the world
I wanted to design houses
I wanted to see how they were made
you know…constructed
but in the end I settled
for learning how to decorate
a sad sort of compromise

I also longed to sing on the stage
sappy love ballads, if you can imagine
but singing disconnected me from the pain
made me feel more alive
farthest I ever got was church
solo & in choirs
knees knocking & trembling inside
too timid to brave any higher achievement
I locked my voice away in its box
my own dying little secret

I even debated following daddy
becoming a mechanic
they used to tell me it was fairly decent money
it was never about that for me
but those were some pretty huge shoes
and I was convinced I couldn’t fill them
he wanted more for his little grease monkey
I quietly silenced that dream too

a few less savory careers entered my mind
from time to time
all falling (thankfully) by the wayside
common sense or sheer fear prevailing
more often than not I was just confused
many avenues were never pursued
and I drifted quite a bit
looking for my niche
my home

but in all those little girl fantasies
not once did it ever occur to me
though I’d never reach any of my loftier goals
I’d grow up to do something far more important
I’d discover who I was
learn I’m stronger than I ever thought
and use my voice to empower others
word by word
releasing the pain trapped within me
it’s imperative
as part of the human condition
we must figure out how to let go
what we cling to
I learned how to love & forgive myself
unburdening a terrible weight
making connections through the expression
and then it happened
I moved a mountain
with my oceanic being
and found my deepest love
in Poetry

Written by FromTheAsh
Author's Note
Copyright © 2019 FromTheAsh. All Rights Reserved
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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