Shattered

Long time ago
I wished to be Chaucer like
I wished to be a fighter pilot
I wished to be wealthy and live in a mansion
Now I only wish to live somewhat happily
And long enough to see another day.

Another day, another existential trial
I hurry along down my next life path
It's better to keep on moving than stay trapped in denial
I gave life my all with everything I had.
-
Yet it still wasn't enough; why do I feel hopeless?
I did things by the book, but rules were meant to be broken
Nothing can ease this creeping sense of numbness
And what remains of my heart is on display like a token.
-
What remains of my heart will burn for you
Please cherish me, I can't take more abuse
I offer you all my being, with blemishes and scars
I have nothing else to offer but what remains of my heart.
-
This fragile organ's still dancing thoughtlessly
Where's the love and the empathy?
I got burned by wearing my heart on my sleeve
This toxic world has got me down on my knees.
-
What remains of my heart will burn for you
Please don't lie to me, I need to hear the truth
I offer you all my being, both the physical and the spiritual
I'll accept all of your being as long as it's mutual.

If I asked you to stay, would you grant me my wish?
I'm drowning in self-misery, but I can be saved by your kiss
I try to move forward, to learn from my mistakes
But there's so much regret that I'll carry until the grave.
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Moving forward is no longer an option
Can I ever be cured from this insatiable corruption?
Losing myself is my darkest fear
The only thing that grounds me is having you near.
-
Hope seems too good to be true
Just like the day I fell in love with you
If I could rewind time, there's so much I'd change
Now all I can do is weather through the pain.
-
Moving forward is no longer an option
Do I have a chance to achieve redemption?
Losing myself is something I wish to avoid
There's not much I can do to fill in this void.

Not only once  
Not only once, did you made me think that there could be forever  
Not only once that you took that back  
Then you said that we were never meant to be together  
And this fucking hurt.  
Because here I was,  
Who was an idiot.  
A moron,  
The pushover  
Who was hopeful  
Who fought for what mattered to me.  
 
Not only once did I tried to get over you  
Not only once did I tell myself that I finally did it  
So do you think that I did? That it happened?  
And this is the best part.  
Not only once I tried to stop thinking about you,  
So fuck you for not only once still being part of my dreams.  
Where I could’ve lied and be in the sound and comfort of my sleep  
You who not only once, invaded what I thought was left for me.  
 
Freaking hilarious isn’t it.  
Once, twice or even more than that,  
Not only once that I did tried to hold back  
To try to talk to you  
Because for the longest time, you were still the person  
I wanted to speak to, to share whatever the hell crap I am feeling right now,  
Even if you’re half the reason for this shitty feeling.  
 
Not only once did I tried to stick it in my head  
That we were over,  
Not only once did I tried to punch my chest  
Because I had to let my heart know that you will never come back  
 
Not only once that I tried convincing myself that you will never be mine. Again  
No matter how many times the crowd tells me that you  
You, the person I loved  
I shared a chapter with  
I open my heart to  
Is happy,  
,Is free  
And in the arms of not mine,  
 but another