7:18 AM

7:18 AM





Another sleepless night
Passes me by.


            I’d like to say
               I’m really not tired

        But the truth of the matter is
             The bed feels like winter without you.




I spent the night awake smoking
Blown glass nightmares
And trying to steady shaky hands.


         He came by with
             Muffins and taurine.



2 hours past
Dirtying the sheets.

           Time rolled by
                “I’ll see you later”


I wonder why I thank him…
As if he left a tiny gift
Of some sort behind.


                                 
Diamonds glistened within emeralds



           The longer the time ticks
               The more I begin to recognize

                                       The familiar chill
                                     Creep through my soul...
                      Across my bones
                                               Within my chest
                Throughout my ribs
                                And it’s around that time
I’m reminding myself to
                                  Breathe.





All those thorns you drug me through


I promise I kept the rose...


                              Placed within a stone vase


                                           Leaves
                                         Browned
                                              Curled

                                              Brilliant red
                                 Dried blood crimson

                                              Fading
                                                            Petals fell
                                                                        Black
                                                                              Brown…


All that remains is……..



(I can’t believe I kept those roses that long to have remains
In the first place.)



Cremated ashy memory of something
Once beautiful
And vibrant….


               Another failed attempt
                        At trying to make
                                          Me happy...

(At least for the moment I was….)

                    I’d tell you for the sake of argument
                                                     

Complexity
                                                         
And amusement…


(Have I ever told you I amuse myself more than others?)



What a mess you made of me…
Dragging me through all those thorns…

It wasn’t worth
All the years of therapy
Ahead of me.


(Have I told you I hate planning ahead?)



                        I rewind a little
                            And conjure up these images

                              Stormy skies
                                      And angry waters…
                        Walking

                                     Beside you
                                                          (Laughter)


The wind was stronger than me…

I was high….


My excuses for being underweight…


You fell asleep
With your head in my lap
The way back...

                             



I stroked my fingers through your hair
                                         
Kissed your forehead
                                                               Whispered
                                                                                      “I love you”



                                                     



8:03 AM



It’s around the time that I open up
That I always begin to shut down.



                                   
                                                 
Therapy never works for me…

                        My thoughts are unsteady…


                                          Broken
                                                         Fragmented
                                                   Portions
                                                           Of something
                                           
Someone else
                                                 
Would call an emotion.


Too many particles
To form a whole
On one’s own.



(Microsoft word is always telling me to revise…. my sentences are fragmented…)



I wasn’t sure I was trying to make sentences to begin with.



(Apocalyptica “I Don’t Care”)



I have a nightly love affair with music
                            Choices made to fit moods

                    I wish I could do that with all my lovers….
                                                       
I always try to not
                                                                Get to
                                                              Involved
                                                                   With things…


(I tend to be a little wreck less at times)


My lovers tended to keep me in line.




(Have I told you I was a train wreck on standstill?)



I really am….




A mess these days...





                 
At least you cleaned the glass up before you left this time.



Still you
Left me with...

                              Diamonds glistening
                                    Within emeralds


                                       
And I thanked you for
                               
    This like it were a precious parting
                                                     
Gift.