New job, old thoughts

   What a shitty way to waste these hours that cant be made up.
I'm just sitting here, looking at guitars online wishing I had mine here, so I could thrash some of this angst away.

  I start my job Monday. Im gonna be a cashier at a local cigarette store that also sells bongs and shit like that.
Its part time and minimum wage but at least working will help occupy these idle hours,give me something else to think about at least a couple hours a day.
 
  I like to work though. I love hard heavy physical work, the kind that not everyone can handle, that lets you know your a man.
I love the charge of picking up a three hundred pound post and throwing it in a hole again and again and again. Its a high, you feel like a fucking giant, and it seperates the tough from the weak.
 
  Oh well, Im to strung out for that kind of work anyway, I was two ten when I was doing that kind of shit now Im maybe one seventy on a good day, one sixty or less if I've been hitting it hard.
We'll see how it goes, somethings gotta give though, and soon, or i might go off.

  I aint felt so much like dying since i was fourteen, and all thats changed is that I lost a girl who showed me how deeply I could love, I dont want her to come back to me though, I want her as far out of my world as possible.
 
  I wont lie and say I can change because despite all the negatives this is where I belong, where I feel at home.
If I were to go to college, select a carreer, settle down and live a quiet life like she deserves or any mainstream life it would be a slow death of myself. I know, I did it for two years and though I think about ending it now, i was already dead then.

  Maybe after were free of the bondage of this life and move to whatever comes next we'll get another chance. Maybe Thats just wishful thinking, I dont know what to think and I wish I could just stop thinking and let my mind go blank.