deepundergroundpoetry.com
reality
the monsters we make
are harder to shake off than reality
it's a problem
reality is like a rip in your jeans you can sew them and there fixed
but monsters can keep coming back
people would pay big money just to talk to shrink to get rid of a problem
and they don't help one bit
the monsters you make
you have to get rid of,
you have to set a goal in life
otherwise your just gonna......
fail
are harder to shake off than reality
it's a problem
reality is like a rip in your jeans you can sew them and there fixed
but monsters can keep coming back
people would pay big money just to talk to shrink to get rid of a problem
and they don't help one bit
the monsters you make
you have to get rid of,
you have to set a goal in life
otherwise your just gonna......
fail
Published 27th Jul 2010
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comments 5
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The author encourages honest critique.
27th Jul 2010 10:17am
27th Jul 2010 10:37am
You are so right about setting goals ~ and they start with that dialog within yourself. Ripped jeans is a great metaphor, you be sure to keep fixing yours up. The blank space towards the end of your poem works well here, nice move.
Best ~ Abra
Best ~ Abra
27th Jul 2010 5:09pm
thanks :).....and no matter what in life theres a goal that you havent set but your working towards it
First, well done, Rosy!
Second, with the strong proviso that this is suggestion, not criticism, can I make some detailed comment (please ignore it if you wish):
1. I think your poem would be tighter with some punctuation, Rosy. The first four lines kick off with a nice rhythm, but then l.2 runs into l.3 and then l.4, and the effect is diluted, and l.4 then sort of rambles on. Why not split it, like this:
the monsters we make
are harder to shake off than reality -
it's a problem.
reality is like a rip in your jeans -
you can sew them and there (they're?) fixed,
but monsters keep coming back.
l.5: Why say 'would pay'? Surely they do pay big money. And I think 'to get rid of a problem' is unnecessary. Again, splitting the line will give it more punch, like this:
people pay big money just to talk to a shrink
and they don't help one bit.
Finally, I love your separation of the final word, 'fail'. It catches the reader's attention and it's surprising, and therefore effective.
As with my previous comments on one of your poems, Rosy, this is meant to help, not criticize. I like the poem and simply think with a few little touches it could be more effective, but decisions on your work are all yours, of course. Keep up the good work. CJ.
Second, with the strong proviso that this is suggestion, not criticism, can I make some detailed comment (please ignore it if you wish):
1. I think your poem would be tighter with some punctuation, Rosy. The first four lines kick off with a nice rhythm, but then l.2 runs into l.3 and then l.4, and the effect is diluted, and l.4 then sort of rambles on. Why not split it, like this:
the monsters we make
are harder to shake off than reality -
it's a problem.
reality is like a rip in your jeans -
you can sew them and there (they're?) fixed,
but monsters keep coming back.
l.5: Why say 'would pay'? Surely they do pay big money. And I think 'to get rid of a problem' is unnecessary. Again, splitting the line will give it more punch, like this:
people pay big money just to talk to a shrink
and they don't help one bit.
Finally, I love your separation of the final word, 'fail'. It catches the reader's attention and it's surprising, and therefore effective.
As with my previous comments on one of your poems, Rosy, this is meant to help, not criticize. I like the poem and simply think with a few little touches it could be more effective, but decisions on your work are all yours, of course. Keep up the good work. CJ.
2nd Jul 2011 6:28am
