Finding new life

The rhythm is at least mostly pretty good here.  It's spritely when you mean to be spritely and I love how it changes when it changes.  Actually you do have some really powerful rhythm changes and mood changes here--"I discover my downfall."  "As my fire burns on."  "War torn thoughts and forlorn skies"  But in "Cauterization envelops my mind"--um, that's just a really, really strange thing to say.  Cauterization is used in treatment of physical wounds.  It's a process by which physical wounds are treated in a certain way, hence the Medicalese ending "tion."  It's the process by which the affected tissue of the wound is burned away, or sealed, with a heated instrument, not the process by which fire "envelops" something. Did you mean to say that your mind is wounded or infected, and the wounded or infected parts are being cauterized--sealed or burned away as with a heated instrument?  Still, the heat would not "envelop" as you say, but would simply touch.
 
There are some minor spelling errors, but I don't think anyone will really care about those, unless it was going to be published in a lit mag or something like that.  There are commas where there shouldn't be, or where there should be periods, and things like that.  I'll let you find them, if you want to look for them and fix them, but I will point out that the first stanza is particularly jumbled, owing at least some of its jumbledness to that confusion of misused punctuation.  
 
Anyway, otherwise, like I said, you seem to use mood and rhythm changes very well in this piece.  I like how "finding new life" in this piece is not wholly a wonderfully happy thing, but more of a struggle.  But then, this is a "self" piece, so it makes more sense that it would be more real that way.

I appreciate your critical feedback. It's exactly what I've been looking for. I'm glad for the most part, it was good. Thank you!