deepundergroundpoetry.com
Degeneration of a sacrifice
As I crash through life from one relationship to another,
I find I have a bad habit of falling too much into love.
Inebriated by the attentions of a woman I
Readily;
Easily;
Regrettably ;
Metaphorically;
Rip my heart out of my swollen chest and place it delicately in her hands,
Whereupon I silently;
Solemnly;
Purposefully;
Ask them to take care of this for me.
Invariably, through time, I seem to mess something up.
My heart's guardian tosses it aside in a mixture of disgust and disappointment
And I am left with a hollow, empty soul into which I must grow a new one.
As with any regeneration, it is not a perfect replica.
Scabbed;
Scarred;
Stunted.
Nevertheless it is all I have to offer to the next smiling eyed woman who
Ensnares me with her gaze and cheeky grin.
Captivating me with an intoxicating air and outstretched expecting hands.
And once more I extricate my sanguine organ and place my token down,
Only for the cycle to repeat.
I wonder how many more times can I perform this task before it fails.
Fails to be recognisable as that which it is supposed to be.
Fails to be a satisfactory offering unto the goddess to whose alter I kneel before this time.
Fails to survive the extraction.
I find I have a bad habit of falling too much into love.
Inebriated by the attentions of a woman I
Readily;
Easily;
Regrettably ;
Metaphorically;
Rip my heart out of my swollen chest and place it delicately in her hands,
Whereupon I silently;
Solemnly;
Purposefully;
Ask them to take care of this for me.
Invariably, through time, I seem to mess something up.
My heart's guardian tosses it aside in a mixture of disgust and disappointment
And I am left with a hollow, empty soul into which I must grow a new one.
As with any regeneration, it is not a perfect replica.
Scabbed;
Scarred;
Stunted.
Nevertheless it is all I have to offer to the next smiling eyed woman who
Ensnares me with her gaze and cheeky grin.
Captivating me with an intoxicating air and outstretched expecting hands.
And once more I extricate my sanguine organ and place my token down,
Only for the cycle to repeat.
I wonder how many more times can I perform this task before it fails.
Fails to be recognisable as that which it is supposed to be.
Fails to be a satisfactory offering unto the goddess to whose alter I kneel before this time.
Fails to survive the extraction.
Published 3rd Aug 2012
| Edited 16th Feb 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
20th Sep 2012 8:49pm
Beautiful piece and written with such a wonderful array of vocab.
With such an amazing armory of diction at your disposal I think you might be able to find a word or phrase better suited to the position being filled by 'too much' even if that phrase is a cliched phrase such as 'head over heels'.
"I find I have a bad habit of falling too much into love."
You might want to leave a space rather than using a full-stop. Unless you had a deeper reason for holding the piece together as you have.
"Invariably, through time, I seem to mess something up.
My heart's guardian tosses it aside in a mixture of disgust and disappointment"
It could help to remove the 'more' in the sentences you began like this.
"I wonder how many 'more' times..."
All this 'advice' is just my opinion, don't take anything to heart if you feel you have reason to keep it as it is.
Superb piece though, keep it up.
Duncan
With such an amazing armory of diction at your disposal I think you might be able to find a word or phrase better suited to the position being filled by 'too much' even if that phrase is a cliched phrase such as 'head over heels'.
"I find I have a bad habit of falling too much into love."
You might want to leave a space rather than using a full-stop. Unless you had a deeper reason for holding the piece together as you have.
"Invariably, through time, I seem to mess something up.
My heart's guardian tosses it aside in a mixture of disgust and disappointment"
It could help to remove the 'more' in the sentences you began like this.
"I wonder how many 'more' times..."
All this 'advice' is just my opinion, don't take anything to heart if you feel you have reason to keep it as it is.
Superb piece though, keep it up.
Duncan
21st Sep 2012 00:21am
Thanks so much for your response. Few take the time to comment, let alone explain what they think about it.
The 'too much' and the full stop are chosen specifically. I don't tend to feel for cliche when I write, so the 'too' was intentional. I considered italic or bold to emphasise it, but I am undecided.
The full stop is intended to impart a completeness to the statement.
As for 'more', I tend to lean toward rhythm of speech for my work and that is how the phrase formed to my mind. Again I considered italic emphasis, but I'm not sure if it would benefit the final work.
Once again though, many thanks for taking the time to read my work.
The 'too much' and the full stop are chosen specifically. I don't tend to feel for cliche when I write, so the 'too' was intentional. I considered italic or bold to emphasise it, but I am undecided.
The full stop is intended to impart a completeness to the statement.
As for 'more', I tend to lean toward rhythm of speech for my work and that is how the phrase formed to my mind. Again I considered italic emphasis, but I'm not sure if it would benefit the final work.
Once again though, many thanks for taking the time to read my work.
21st Sep 2012 7:49am
Always a pleasure. I don't think you should use italics to emphasize anything as it's good for your words to speak for themselves. As for 'too' and 'more' at the very least they caught my attention which would make the use of italics/bold unnecessary.
