Dissection

Hard hitting and emotive. I love the blunt language you use in this and the simmering restraint of the voice, that doesn't quite blow up, like all that is needed is one more push to break the table, coupled with the feeling of resignation in the last line.

Peace, Indie

thank you so much! this was directly inspired by your Violent Erotica competition a while back, but i never got around to finishing it and ended up with a doughy center instead. just ended it today. [:

You're welcome :) I'm honoured that the comp I ran inspired you and I'm so glad I got to see this. It's wonderful.

God. where to start with this little cracker.

"Kills more than the dead sex"
what a punch in the gut. I'm not positive but maybe you need
a period at the end of that line.

"She was awfully gentle, wasn't she?
Sophisticated and aloof
halo hanging just a little sideways
and you held her like a china doll "

I got the feeling the narrator is being somewhat condescending
towards both the subjects here and maybe that thought might be
reinforced by the next couple of lines.

The whole thing is quite brutal with no a hint of apathy or indifference or sadness.

kind of unnerving how calm cold and collected she is.

I think the ending is superb.a great line to start the last stanza:

"and I want to shatter the table between us
two hands in one fist, gritted teeth"

brings the emotion up a notch and the rest gives a glimpse at
what might be at the core of her anger.

all in Jesta I take my cap off to you. a  right riveting read.

(sorry I have no suggestions or critique to help any)

great stuff! shine da fk on!

  

wow! thank you for such an in-depth response. [:

i hadn't meant for her to sound condescending, but maybe a tiny bit bitter... it was to show how this previous dish was more delicate and it was supposed to reveal her as a personality and their relationship; saying he liked what he had but obviously needed something else as well (the narrator). i may not have been as clear as i should have been on that point.

i could have used a colon after 'dead sex', but wasn't sure it was necessary with the line break.

thank you again! your feedback is always a treat for me. [:

What the blue hell! SO DAMN GOOD! It's insane. I feel actually frantic, that dull ache in my belly, it's SO GOOD. (I really love poetry. I really, really do. And yours is ass-kickingly evocative.)

"mingled with the bitter lime of knowing
[I can't give you what she had] "

That made me drop on the ground.
  
AND THIS
"I want the face that reminds me I'm nothing
if not your moment -
the face I fucked out of you  
the first time we simultaneously clocked   "

Made me curl in the fetal position and rock back and forth in absolute YES-ness.

*gasp*
 
*faint*  
 
translation -- i'm utterly star-struck with that comment!

Well geesh I can't top the guys above with my adulation of your work..besides your head might explode...but you are good...very good..never doubt that...your like a tornado of words wrapped tight flinging your destruction across the land...but there is something beautiful in watchin that tornado from afar whip and do it's work from a distance..it's mesmerizing...and you are a primal force to be reckoned with my dear..thanks again

that is a beautiful comment, thank you. well done on *not* getting my head to explode. [:

Nice work Jestalessa.  I feel contriteness and the pain below.

Strider :)

ah, Strider, i thank you for your continued support. glad you could feel it. [:

this iss freakin' beautiful in its starkness, definitely a stunner! great, great job mi amor! can't wait to hear your voice over of this piece. :)

my dahling!

thank you so much, amor! it is good to see your charming, familiar typing again... and voice is in process as i type. [:

My dear....I assume from the read that you and 'her' are the same person, and I get this from the almost-contradiction of the very first and last lines. If this be so, then well crafted.

Be careful with lines like "the bitter lime of knowing", as you run the risk of parodying your own writing style in moments like that...this is not a good thing. The line is fine enough...just an observation that your writing sometimes strays/stretches past where you need to stretch it.

This technique, deliberate or not, of creating tension or a sense of arrested movement, is very nicley done (not seen often, either in words or pictorial art, yet the power is undeniable);

"I loved that you could be so careful -
felt your ropes taut  
primed for my Swiss Army" (I would not have used 'swiss army', as it is a little too indirect for the directness of the line, but that matters not one jot).

There is a marvelous vanity in this piece, a recalling of "how great I was...you never stood a chance" kinda thing, and it's a pleasure to see.

dp

you are a marvelous source, my friend; my gratitude is boundless. i will check the lines mentioned and maybe pare them down a bit if they're too much; i just hate using the same names for everything... though there are literary tools for that glaring issue i have with life. [:  
 
muchas gracias, thank you again... amen.  
 
(and it is here i will dissolve the facade, because you've given me too much credit for the creativity of the story. your interpretation is way better than mine! which is why i read you for pleasure and not myself.) [:

Well Jes this is rather 'in yer face ' excellent and power packed .

topped with the bitterness of knowing    
[I can't give you what she had]    

this is the basis of all the gusto in my opinion , great writing jes :)

thank you so much, diddi. good to see you cruising in this way. [:

This is so powerful, yet so personal. It reads beautifully fishy :-) I adore it

thank you so much, loverfish! [:

J

:) Clearly I have taken my time
for this one. No particular reason.

It overwhelmed me the first time. I think
I will get it right now.:)

'You still miss her, I can tell.    


[High drama. I have admired poets
who close poems with a bang. You
on the other hand provide stellar
starts. This is such a simple and
yet multi-dimensional opening line.

It could mean a hundred things. Read
like a first line hook from a Guy Ritchie
film. I will always say. Screenwriting.:D]
   

Kills more than the dead sex    
the routine bump bump[switch]cum    
I out-of-body watch these days    
when your mind is occupied otherwise.


[Whoa! This reminded me of William Harvey.
L2 will stay with me for ages. Envious.
L3 is a glimpse of your next stop at
poetry. Bravo J.]
   

Probably in her lush dark hair    
and sun-soaked navel.    
She was awfully gentle, wasn't she?    
Sophisticated and aloof    
halo hanging just a little sideways    
and you held her like a china doll.    


[Tension. You are a talent for that.
The interjecting questions are like
nine inch daggers flung at the reader
who is in the seat of the unfortunate
man. I loved 'aloof'.The halo reference
is a ball buster. Cruel and apt. This
is going to be quite a ride.]



I loved that you could be so careful    
[your ropes were taut    
primed for my Swiss Army.]    


[The irony and potency of the first line
is immaculate. It's a doubled edge sword,
one that is entirely left to the whim of
the viewer. See the side you care to.

'Taut ropes and Swiss army'. Very interesting
combination. I like it a lot. And yet undecided.
Okay. I would say keep it. Quite meaningful an
expression despite the seemingly effortless
nature of it. ]
 

But red roses and silk sheets    
Austrian crystal chandeliers    
lobster and scotch on Daddy's 80 foot yacht?    


[Tangible. Spikes and broken shards.
Sarcasm. Especially the mention of Daddy.]


Gag reflex yanks at my diaphragm    
exaggerating far gone memories    
......
that aren't even mine    
moulding them into every    
conceivable cliche    
topped with the bitterness of knowing    
[I can't give you what she had]    


[L1 and L2. Superlative. High point for me.
So far. The most visually beautiful statement
I have read all day. Sheer joy.:)

You continue that in the next four lines. In your usual fare. Fair. And baaam! The last
addition. Timing [Wrong jargon, but what the heck] Could not have been more effective.]

   
and I want to shatter the table between us    
with fists and gritted teeth    
braced to smear me [dust/blood/water]    
through your ballasted heart.    

[I should have seen this coming. Now this
poem is fierce. It will ravage and haunt.
and this is more than a poem now. The hint
can't be mistaken.]


[so balanced.so fucking sane you look like this]    
I want the face that reminds me I'm nothing    
if not your moment -    
the face I fucked out of you    
the first time we simultaneously clocked    
that we meant more    
than 'later' to each other    
and almost as much as tomorrow.    

[For a blink, I felt the loss of saturated steam. Natural. There is an unnerving sense
of intimacy there which disturbs the reader.
It's like self harm. You can tell it's
happening. I loved the clocking reference.

I read this a few more times. Now I get the
power of the storm in it. At first having
rendered blind  I had missed it. 'Later'
was never used in a more clever way. Apt.]

   
I remember, you loved me then.

[GASP. Crucified. Nailed. Silence.]

I am so glad you finished it later. Somethings
are bound to happen at the right moment.

THIS IS IT. Nerve wracking and smile inducing read. I hope I could say better. But whew! You
blew it out of the stadium J.

Loved this. [evidently]

Sumeet

p.s- I will remember saying this.
I am so proud of you, you have no idea.
Go get them girl.:)

i don't think a breakdown critique has ever made me, um, shriek and tear up a bit, but this has done it. thank you is all i have. so, thank you. and thank you. [: x

I read this a couple of times, gasped in pure awe, stared at it for a bit, decided that I couldn't think of anything of importance to say, so I left and reflected, came back, read it two more times, gasped and stared in awe again, and I still can't think of what to say.

That feeling of being second best, the settled choice, or having been loved only when it was wrong, comes across strongly.

You have a way with words and expressing raw emotion that I am envious of.

Great piece, thanks for sharing :)

wow... that is quite the compliment, Rachel! you don't need to have anything 'important' to say, but that's pretty much my main reason for not leaving comments on most things i read as well. thank you so much for taking the time to give me your feedback. it is deeply appreciated. [:

not much else tsay that the great long string hasn't already said

jestalessian classic

i'm chuffed you still find these readable, m'friend. thank you much.

It's a haaaard place to start kissing a distant face that's wishing for a missing heart ache. A bad race, but it's first rate when you can be on the moment, beyond any pondering, or wishing like Brian Wilson's "Help Me Rhonda". More connection than luck to be expecting to fuck the truth past a mask of blues from some "still missing her" ill will in kisses that should be yours for sure past-gazer.

This tome is close to my dome, it rose memories never shared, only carried alone. It's good to be moved, thank you for your groove. The music gasps and japes in the gaps and your voice takes it to a place that lasts. I love your flow but would've been blown if the voice and patter had employed the same staccato shatter as the vibrato underlined in your written rhyme. But then maybe like Floridian election decisions I just hunger for injections of blitzin' punched- lines.

wow, thank you. [: glad you could enjoy it and relate even though it wasn't lyrically what you'd hoped for. i'd consider another reading, but i don't really write punchy like that. i like to read people who do though. [:

Obviously an amazing piece.. I too have come back many times. It really is a comment on your resolution on craft and perspective that so many people adore and are impacted by your piece. So many indepth statements made, and even when we have nothing to say but,i love it,i dont think its to make you feel good,it makes us feel good. Guilt by association... My only thoughts on the piece not yet stated is that, I read such a relatable and tender neurosis...sounds tad strong but this chick is a bit crazy,but so are we all...in fairness I also say this as a thick male who feels like ive probably looked dead into the face of such women with tidal wave emotions going on,and being that they couldnt give me direct reasons for feeling a certain way I simplified it as oh shes crazy( if only she had well thought out and poetically rendered ideas like this poem at instant disposale I would have gotten it)

i think there's got to be a little crazy in everybody, we just don't like to admit it. and yeah, those waves of emotion rise and flood whether we like it or not. i'm trying to get into heads, speak honestly from that point of view and see what comes out. so, so, so pleased you saw something you recognized (and let me know). means i'm on the right track. [:

How often pain spawns beauty ... nicely done. I read it first and then listened to you read it. All I can say is wow!

well, thank you! i'm looking forward to checking in on yours as well. [:

welcome to DU [:

I'm re-reading this several times while I wait for my phone connect to load the vid-reading.  

Hearing you voice it as I read along, gives it an added dimension.  The title tells me I'm not to far off on what's going down- meaning how I'm interpreting the piece. I like the layers given to the title, and love the darkness: the home movie that I'm receiving.  I don't wish to break down what I got from it, for fear of revealing that I just might be a thick headed, insensitive lout.  

Just the same, I know what I like, and I like this.    

my friend, this is pure fiction, so you can say whatever you want and it will be taken in to give me a better idea of what i'm doing to the internets. much appreciate your taking time to think about it and leave me some feedback! [:

The first stanza was as close to perfection as I've read in a long time. The way you describe him, and her, it's as if you're inside his head, and depending on how I feel when I read it I get shades of acidity, sarcasm, pity, wistfulness, stoicism, compassion, jealousy and love. The gag reflex line wasn't my favorite, it pulled me out of the piece for some reason, I don't know why--probably just my preference. The rest flows as natural as can be.

huge compliments coming from you, Mike; thank you so much for taking the time to pinpoint all those emotions. i'll have another look at the gag reflex...it did seem to break with the voice now that i'm thinking of it. awesome feedback, my friend. thanks again. [:

awesome write , I'm kinda speechless now , after reading this three times ... I can see I have no talent at all ...I bow to you ( i'm not worthy ) Thanks for the share ...Tim

oh don't be ridiculous. [:
thanks so much for reading (especialy the re-reads) and for the kind words.

and welcome to DU [: