A Thousand Tiny Deaths

I die a thousand tiny deaths
Each time I hear his voice
Memories of how I waited in anticipation  
My heart beating erratically  
Beats of sweat rolling between peaks and valleys  
My breath in staccato before he opened my door
The sounds our bodies made
As he brought me to unimaginable heights of pleasure
My tear stained pillow when he left
My life on hold as I yearned for his return
The cycle of shame, damnation and denial each time I walked away
Then went back
The jolt I felt
When I saw that my yearning had turned into obsession
And his desire for me was a mere pastime
 
I die a thousand tiny deaths
Each time I realize I wasted years of my life  
When all I had to do
Was love myself sooner
So I could meet you